i miss her

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i think i cant trust my emotions. because i dont understand them and am not sure i feel them.

i miss this girl.

i am sure i offended her. we dated for maybe four or five months, and then i broke up with her. because she wasnt 'the one.' and what i mean by that is i over thought everything. i looked at all three thousand eight hundred angles and came up with the uncertain conclusion that she wasnt the one.

i get a sensation in me, like a physical feeling, whenever i talk to a girl that just looks like her.

i miss her.

i wrote her a letter recently stating why i did not want to be with her. and i wrote her this letter a few months ago. and we broke up years ago. as if she wanted to hear again why i dumped her. she does not want to hang out with me.

the worst part is the not knowing. not being aware enough or connected enough to my emotions, or sure enough that i even have emotions to know enough that i love her.

she doesnt make me feel stressed. i remember that about her. understanding, easy to talk to, easy to be around, sweet. i never f*cking know what i feel and that is getting in the way of me being, not so much 'feeling', but being happy.

Overthinking things never leads anywhere good.

You'll just have to try to take it easier with the next one

Unless... this is a question? Like if you should ask her out again?..

Did you tell her how much you miss her?

If you miss her that much, maybe you SHOULD be together...?

Couldn't hurt to share how you feel, admit to making a mistake and asking if she'd still be interested in a 2nd attempt? [shrug]


What makes you so absolutely sure she's not "the one"?

no, it cetainly does not. you mention the 'next one' and that is where the concern comes in.

what if i am fortunate enough to find someone like her again and i do the same thing? what if i dont experience enough normal attachment and emotion to make a decision with my heart? i dont want to make a relationship decision based on rational thought, but maybe that is what i am going to have to do?

how do i know, absent of feeling warm and fuzzy, that i love someone?

i feel pain some nights, physical pain, in her absence. maybe that is all i need as an indicator.

i think the letter focused more on why i left her, because i was never able to give her an explanation and i felt like i owed her one so i talked about how she has a drug problem. for the love of god, what is wrong with me? and im sure it sounded very well thought out and rational as i can convince myself and anyone else of near about anything. she has troubles is all, but shes in therapy and stuff. she smokes weed occasionally is all and i somehow used this as the basis for telling her she 'is not the one.'

i do remember telling her that i am trying to be around only good things in my life these days and i remember her as being a very good thing. this does not sound like much of a compliment does it? this was in the same letter though that was honest about her 'drug problem,' which is not what an NT would consider a 'drug problem' I am learning, which has a connotative meaning of something very bad. i just was telling her how i observed her use of marijuana in relation to her emotional problems because really i want her to be as happy in her life as possible.

after that, i asked her to hang out over the phone and i asked her to hang out in a facebok message and did not hear back soon and when i did not hear back soon, i freaked out again and told her to forget it and defriended her.

i have to think she is sick of me being critical about her life and sick of me explainging over and over again but in different ways why she is not good enough for me.

im so upset. i am sorry to go on.

I think you may need therapy

I've had the same thought processes you've had. Very detrimental..

heh. yes, very much so.

thank you all for your responses.

i am working on it in therapy. it seems that i should work through some of this before i even consider contacting her again. gaining understanding on what is going on with me and learning how to be well has to come first or it would just happen again. and i dont mean that i will end up being with her, but the same is true for whoever does come next.