Love not a very high priority?

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Sanctus
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20 Oct 2012, 8:45 pm

I read a lot about people being a virgin at 25 and getting totally desperate about it. Now I'm "only" 19, but I've never even had something close to a relationship, and I don't care.

I notice that friends and family try to "casually" ask me if guy XY is my boyfriend.. like "what the hell is wrong with you, why are you still alone". To be honest I could never understand why people make such a big deal of love and relationships. Maybe because I think and act too "logically" and therefore think that true, unconditional love doesn't exist and every relationship will at some point end in indifference or even hate. So it's like I don't even bother. I honestly don't feel like I want a boyfriend. If I met someone I'm really attracted to, fine, maybe I'd give it a try. But I'm not searching and I certainly don't feel bad for being single. IMO there are so many more important things, like hobbies and dreams.

And even if, one day, I had a relationship, I guess I would pretty quickly scare him away. I'd need looots of freedom, I would be almost incapable of actually showing affection and I'd get annoyed at any attempts of romance. Maybe I'd be better off in some kind of an open relationship, or a "friends with benefits" thing. :P



billiscool
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20 Oct 2012, 8:54 pm

yeah, for some reason women are more happer being single then men are.
You are right, there nothing wrong with being single. However if your a male people will
think you are a loser, a creep, a wimp.
Then you get the ''oddball'' dateless man like me, who is happy and has confidence in myself.
Really don't care about what people think about me.
Then again you are single by choice.



Sanctus
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20 Oct 2012, 8:56 pm

billiscool wrote:
yeah, for some reason women are more happer being single then men are.
You are right, there nothing wrong with being single. However if your a male people will
think you are a loser, a creep, a wimp.
Then you get the ''oddball'' dateless man like me, who is happy and has confidence in myself.
Really don't care about what people think about me.
Then again you are single by choice.


It's not like people don't brag about female virgins. It might be better than for men, but people will assume there's something wrong with you anyway. :wink:



Taverson
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20 Oct 2012, 10:10 pm

Sanctus wrote:
billiscool wrote:
yeah, for some reason women are more happer being single then men are.
You are right, there nothing wrong with being single. However if your a male people will
think you are a loser, a creep, a wimp.
Then you get the ''oddball'' dateless man like me, who is happy and has confidence in myself.
Really don't care about what people think about me.
Then again you are single by choice.


It's not like people don't brag about female virgins. It might be better than for men, but people will assume there's something wrong with you anyway. :wink:


Are female virgins as rare as males paint them to be?


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billiscool
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20 Oct 2012, 10:20 pm

Taverson wrote:
Sanctus wrote:
billiscool wrote:
yeah, for some reason women are more happer being single then men are.
You are right, there nothing wrong with being single. However if your a male people will
think you are a loser, a creep, a wimp.
Then you get the ''oddball'' dateless man like me, who is happy and has confidence in myself.
Really don't care about what people think about me.
Then again you are single by choice.


It's not like people don't brag about female virgins. It might be better than for men, but people will assume there's something wrong with you anyway. :wink:


Are female virgins as rare as males paint them to be?

I remember reading stats once. 1.6% of men have never had sex. but only 0.3% of women never had sex (i assume it only counted heterosexual people)



Taverson
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20 Oct 2012, 10:28 pm

billiscool wrote:
Taverson wrote:
Sanctus wrote:
billiscool wrote:
yeah, for some reason women are more happer being single then men are.
You are right, there nothing wrong with being single. However if your a male people will
think you are a loser, a creep, a wimp.
Then you get the ''oddball'' dateless man like me, who is happy and has confidence in myself.
Really don't care about what people think about me.
Then again you are single by choice.


It's not like people don't brag about female virgins. It might be better than for men, but people will assume there's something wrong with you anyway. :wink:


Are female virgins as rare as males paint them to be?

I remember reading stats once. 1.6% of men have never had sex. but only 0.3% of women never had sex (i assume it only counted heterosexual people)


In regards to attempting to find a lifelong companion who is a virgin though... not that I would ever use virginity as a requirement when considering a women, but because of my religious upbringing it would be preferred.

But again I would never think of a woman as a lesser being for not being a virgin nor would it be a dealbreaker. Love transcends all barriers.


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Pondering
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20 Oct 2012, 11:08 pm

Having a partner to be in love with is not a high priority for me at all, at least for right now. I'm a young, healthy, moderately attractive man who is trying to figure things out in my life right now, and have some fun in between. I need to occupy myself with those activities before I submit myself to having to deal with someone elses needs and wants.

I've had relationships before and been in love, it's a lot of work. Then sometimes relationships don't work out, and generally when you've tried so hard but things still don't work out, it can be quite a depressing distraction for awhile. Simply put, falling in love makes you susceptible to heartbreak. I'm not saying I am unopen to a serious relationship, but a serious relationship is something that will have to grow on me instead of starting off from the get go.

Having best friends I care about that care about me is enough for me right now.


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arrmada
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25 Oct 2012, 9:52 am

Don't worry and take all the comments you hear towards you being single as others wish to make you "to fit the norm". Why do those other people care so much, it's not their life, what matters is what you want.
I didn't have a BF when I was 19, but I felt very happy without any guy around, still everyone would ask me constantly the same questions as you are now hearing, implying I'm not normal or smth.
As if a good guy would be easy to find if you have a wish of doing this at all:D
But be prepared that this pressure on having a BF will only increase as years go by-I'm 29 yo single NT, had BFs but none of those relationships turned into smth serious, so I tend to be single than settle down with smb just to satisfy expectations of my family or whatever:)



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25 Oct 2012, 10:13 am

I think you're lucky to be in this position. It seems asexuality is increasingly being recognised as a legitimate way to be - whether as just not wanting sex or not wanting either sex or relationships.

It seems to me it's infinitely preferable to wanting something you can't have, so I'd make the most of it. :) You may find when you get older that there are some negatives - a lot of the way the world works is to accomodate couples. For example, there's the odd financial benefits for couples. But these are small matters ultimately. You might feel a bit alienated if you're friends are all coupling up. Some people might view you as a bit strange. There are negative steryeotypes for single women too - spinster crazy cat lady is not exactly a flattering image. :p As long as you surround yourself with the right people and don't worry about what the other people think you should be ok. Again, if a few people get the wrong idea about you, it's not that big a deal. Surely everything else about your life and personality will influnce their perceptions anyway.

I think you're doing the right thing by not trying to get into a relationship just to conform. It wouldn't be fair to yourself or your hypothetical partner to have a relationship just for appearances sake. Keeping up the pretence would be tiring and would be unlikely to lead anywhere good.

I would disagree with your view of relationships, though. I think love exists and can be unconditional and have seen others in happy relationships. You don't have to turn into a hopless romantic, ;) but I would hope you'd never avoid a relationship simply on the assumption that it's not possible it will end well. But you said you're open to idea you might find someone attractive one day, so I don't think you're in danger of doing this. You said you don't feel bad about being single, which is the important thing. Maybe you will find some unconventional relationship does suit you better, or maybe you'll just enjoy not being one of the ones free from searching all the time. :)



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25 Oct 2012, 12:16 pm

@OP: How would you evaluate your general social situation? Do you get along with people? Do you have friends?

I think many of those who are desperate to get a girlfriend (or boyfriend) just feel lonely and rejected.

arrmada wrote:
But be prepared that this pressure on having a BF will only increase as years go by

What kind of pressure are you talking about? Emotional pressure or pressure by others?



arrmada
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27 Oct 2012, 4:19 am

arrmada wrote:
But be prepared that this pressure on having a BF will only increase as years go by

What kind of pressure are you talking about? Emotional pressure or pressure by others?[/quote]

Well at times I do feel lonely (if it could be considered an emotional pressure), because I know I'm able to love a person with all my heart, and its just sad I have nobody to give this love to, still usually I think people don't really feel affected about how they are in general, but about the way how others take them.
Its a pressure of others mostly e.g. every time I'm at the wedding or some family gathering many people feel entitled to ask wheres my guy, why I don't have one, when will I get married, that they are waiting that its my wedding coming next, that I should't leave motherhood for my fourties and so on. uuugghhh;/



SickInDaHead
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27 Oct 2012, 5:32 am

billiscool wrote:
yeah, for some reason women are more happer being single then men are.
You are right, there nothing wrong with being single. However if your a male people will
think you are a loser, a creep, a wimp.
Then you get the ''oddball'' dateless man like me, who is happy and has confidence in myself.
Really don't care about what people think about me.
Then again you are single by choice.



Women have an entire corporate media system that champions them being alone and "not needing men" while they are young. Then everything flips around for women over 40 who, if not saddled with kids and having a few divorces by then, are looked down on.

Men are conditioned to think that being alone means either being a failure or selfish, or a "loser who can't get laid". If he's older, then he's viewed as a wanna-be teenager having a "male midlife crises".

People with AS somewhat immune to the atrium of lies that has the NTs climbing the walls have at least enough presence of mind to ask why, but the answer is already there.


Do what you want and tell everybody where they can stuff it.



Adam82
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27 Oct 2012, 6:25 am

Women seem to be able to cope and function better single, than men can. Guys who don't have a girlfriend often get very miserable about it. I'm a 30 y.o virgin here, and it does bother me. I feel like I've wasted my youth.

Virgin men seem very common here, but even on this forum virgin women are a rarity



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27 Oct 2012, 8:23 am

Adam82 wrote:
Women seem to be able to cope and function better single, than men can. Guys who don't have a girlfriend often get very miserable about it. I'm a 30 y.o virgin here, and it does bother me. I feel like I've wasted my youth.

Virgin men seem very common here, but even on this forum virgin women are a rarity


I'm female, and I can definitely say I don't cope and function well being single. I'm not a virgin, but if I was that would not be what made me miserable. Being lonely is what makes me miserable. Not having someone to share life with and have a family is what I can't cope with.



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27 Oct 2012, 8:40 am

arrmada wrote:
Its a pressure of others mostly e.g. every time I'm at the wedding or some family gathering many people feel entitled to ask wheres my guy, why I don't have one, when will I get married, that they are waiting that its my wedding coming next, that I should't leave motherhood for my fourties and so on. uuugghhh;/

Hehe. I'm only 23, and my mother regularly asks me:
"I couldn't to reach your phone yesterday evening. Do you have a girlfriend? Don't be afraid to tell me when you do."