How Do I Cope

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Let me start off by saying that I am an NT. I am as NT as a NT can get. My fiancé is an Aspie. We've been together for 8 months now and overall it's been a fairly successful relationship I think. We've had our ups and downs of course but we've always seemed to be able to get through it. I've tried to be a supportive partner. I've educated myself by way of various Asperger and Asperger and Relationships books. So it goes without saying that I do support him and am trying to understand his inabilities, quirks, and oddities. Honestly I wouldn't change the fact he has Aspergers. It's what makes him who he is and I love him for everything he is and in some cases isn't. He's recently started on some medication for depression which has shown some signs of improving as well as some of his Aspie traits seeming to improve. Whether this is an effect of the meds or just him changing things about himself I don't know but either way the changes have significantly improved the quality of our relationship. In the last week or so he's experienced about four days of shutdowns, meltdowns and a marked inability to cope with a variety of situations, events and other things. Today was one of the worst days I've seen in a long, long time. I have felt over the last week or so a marked decrease in our communication. Now, whether this is real or just a misconception on my part I don't know, but either way I feel a bit neglected in the way of communication between him and myself. Well, I've brought it to his attention a few times and he's done real well with listening about it and problem solving it with me and we've come to some good solutions. Wow ever, I'm still feeling the lack of communicative intimacy. I said something to him about it again today and he got irritated with me about it. He then told me to change the subject, let him go off the phone, or get over my feelings ( he hasn't said this to me in a very long time). I got frustrated at him telling me to get over my feelings, I mean how dare he say that to me! Nonetheless I turned off or hid my feelings but at the same time his grandmother got onto him about something and I heard him grumble/ half shout something about not wanting to deal with either of us I think and then he hung up on me. I suppose I should have just known that he was having a problem, I mean after all I've been with him for almost a year now so I should have known right? Well I didn't catch on and I called back trying to find out what was going on and if I could help. Boy was I wrong for that one and he sure let me know it. He told me not to contact him again till he contacted me. This one is hard for me as I have my own issues due to quite a few individuals leaving me in my lifetime. He knows about this fully. Anyhow, I said via text, okay but that I didn't understand what was going on. He proceeded to get more agitated with me and threatened to end things with me. Keep in mind he's sworn over and over and over again that he won't ever do this as he loves me too much and needs me too much. I again said ay and I didn't know what was going on and I was scared. He then told me it was over. I was like what in the world are you serious? He eventually responded back after I kept asking him if he meant it, but when he responded I got told that he didn't care what I wanted he only cared about what he wanted and until he could figure that out he didn't want me to contact him. He also said that me not giving him his space was making him say I wasn't good for him. This is a contradiction cause he's said many times before that I am good for him. Even his family says I'm good for him. He also said something that led me to believe that we were still together. I don't know what to think about this. I don't know if we are broken up or together. He refuses to speak me. Earlier in the convo he said it might be days before he speaks to me again if ever. I'm so confused. I don't know what I did other than push by asking what's going on. I don't know how to cope with him when he does this. I don't know if I should go away or not text him or text him occasionally or what to think, say or do. Can someone please give me some insight, some advice? I don't want to lose him. He means the world to me and we've been through so much together.

GIVE HIM HIS SPACE. When someone wants to be alone, don't keep calling and texting and asking what's wrong! You will make things worse. Do nothing, just leave him alone and wait.

Why does it have to escalate to that level? Hopefully you can find some common ground.

Clearly you are in a lot of pain because of his need to retract from you during this time. Men, in general, need more autonomy than women and those with AS need much more non-relationship time than NTs.

The sooner you can accept this, the sooner you will be able to feel less pain about this specific situation and also be able to allow more emotional distance in your relationship.

As to the emotional distance required in your relationship with this particular man; you are presently at a crossroad. You need to decide for yourself whether you can thrive in this relationship.

I believe it takes at least a full year in a relationship to discover whether needs are compatible. You are only 2/3 of the way into your 1st year with him. It's not too late to decide that regardless of you love, your respective needs are simply at odds with one another. You have only just arrived at this crossroad.

Explore the landscape of your relationship. Right now that exploration rests in your ability to allow him distance. Either you will discover a new aspect of your relationship (that you're OK with allowing distance) or you will discover that you don't want to be engaged to marry a man who needs this much distance from time to time.

You said you have researched about AS relationships. I am surprised you didn't read about the Asperger need for time away from the relationship. When they are stressed is not a time when they can be comforting to a partner who's feeling neglected. Just how it is.

Imagine if you'd had a stressful week, were in danger of getting fired from your job, all your friends were mad at you, you had the flu, and for some reason your dog didn't like you anymore.
That's kind of what shutdown/meltdown mode is like in terms of how stressful it is.
Now imagine that while you're trying to cope with all that, someone is following you around with a page of difficult mathematical equations, yelling "You have to solve these problems! I WILL BE SAD IF YOU DON'T SOLVE THESE PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW!!"
This gives an analogy for how difficult communication is for people with AS, and how stressful demands for it can be.
I know you probably aren't intending to have this effect, but this is what it's like.

Mountain laurel is right on the money.

Those are the things you're going to have to accept if you want to continue a relationship with an AS person.

It's that simple.

This, sadly, is going to be the test of your conviction to that principal.

I have read a lot about an Aspie's need for space. Ive tried to give him that space. He's told me that if I give him too much space he will just go away. There's no balance with him. On a brighter note, he did contact me this morning and I was able to draw him out enough to get a clear answer as to where our relationship stands with him. He's agreed to talk to me Wednesday after his therapy appointment. I just never thought being with him would be so trying, so emit ally draining at times. I guess I push cause he pushes so hard. I never know what side of him I'm gng to get at any given time. It's like this huge roller coaster sometimes. I feel very alone most of the time. Worst part is I still don't even know what happened what I did wrong. He gets so mean during these times. Why does he get so mean? I guess I just don't understand why a meltdown or shutdown lasts days. Why he disappears for days. What kind of relationship has partners that disappear for days? What happens when we get married and live together? Does he move out for three days?

Oh wow. You're definitely at a level that will make or break you guys. Maybe he needs some space to figure out what he wants to do and is stressed about marriage. Maybe something else happened and he isn't able to talk about it yet. Or maybe it might be done. Just give it a few days and let him calm down. He probably has a good logical reason in his head for pushing you away but can't explain it very well at the moment. Eventually if you guys keep going you'll get more used to it and find ways to cope. He will probably learn how to deal with his meltdowns better so he can communicate he wants left alone. That may take time though.

This might just be your reality with him. This is my husband's reality with me. My husband knows I'm incapably of communicative intimacy. He is coming to grips that he will NEVER have the NT/NT type of intimacy with me - EVER.

Can you live with him as he is, right now, for the rest of your life? Be fair to both yourself and him and answer that question honestly. You may be pushing him for a relationship that he is just not capable of. If you do that, you'll make both your lives miserable.

What is communicative intimacy?

Sounds kind of needy in your post despite your good intentions.

Not sure that giving him too much space will make him not interested either (since there is no barometer for too much space).

I would suggest you get on with your things whilst he gets on his...when he's ready he'll contact you again.

I am NT and my boyfriend is AS. I am also pretty sure the guy I dated before him was as well and many of the things you mentioned were more pronounced with my ex than they are with my boyfriend. I really think I can help you some here if you are willing to trust what I tell you. The rules in a NT/AS relationship are no where near the same as NT/NT. That is the first thing you have to understand. The second is that although you have every right to and explanation and to have your emotional needs met the only way you will get that is to meet his needs first. Second is not everything is about you by that I mean just because he doesn't want to talk to you doesn't mean he is mad at YOU. Getting through this comes in two parts. The first one is learning to get through the meltdown quickly and without making it worse and the second is learning the triggers and identifying them early. This will reduce the number of meltdowns and the severity.

You are in a pretty new relationship. He is fully aware that his behavior is not like the average person he comes in contact with. I am sure he fights his meltdowns as much as he can until they become more than he can fight off and they take over. On top of it he is not completely sure of your reaction to them as I am sure he has had many people react badly and honestly you are not doing so hot so his fears are confirmed. Not putting you down here.. it is just not something you are use to and you are going all girly on him which he can't handle on top of what ever is causing the meltdown. The more he has to deal with all of the things surrounding the meltdown the more he has to work through to get to processing what ever caused it in the first place so a spark turned into a flame that turned into a wildfire and that is hard to contain.

SO what do you do? #1 he loves you and is not leaving you he is saying that to make you go away so he can process. Tell yourself that when you get worried about the situation. Then.. as you see this coming on acknowledge it and ask what he wants from you. I use the term frustrated because meltdown sounds negative and judgemental and the point is to be calm and encouraging. (you know when you just need a good cry? this is his good cry) At this point relax and calm yourself and kindly say "you seem to be getting frustrated. What do you need from me?" He WILL tell you. If he says he wants to be left alone keep that same calm and relaxed body language and tone and say ok.. I am going to give you space. I love you and I am here when you are ready. Then just let it go. He will get through this a lot faster when he feels it is ok to "meltdown" now he doesn't have to think about you and your feelings and how to deal with all of that on top of what ever has him frustrated. Plus you have not given him "too much space" he now knows you are showing him respect and letting him take care of his needs and that you love him and are waiting for him to be ready for you. For this to work you need to throw everything you believe about relationships out the window and relearn it. Trust me when I tell you this is a better relationship than any you will know but you have to get your head in the game as far as learning new rules.

Telling him you want communicative intimacy is not going to work. Yet you can still have it if you explain it properly. If you tell him you want him to communicate with you he will tell you he is. He is communicating that he wants you to leave him alone so why do you keep telling him you want something he is already giving you. To him... nonsense. Instead.. you have to figure out what exactly you want from him and tell him exactly that not some generalized name for it. You have to be specific with what and why. "I understand when you are going through this that you need me to leave you alone. That is hard for me because I hate seeing you upset and I want to help. But I am realizing that the best way to help you is to give you what you ask for. When you have worked your way through it will you please discuss with me what upset you? I want to understand what you are going through for several reasons. First of all if I understand what frustrates you I may be able to keep it from happening to start with and secondly I am an emotional person and when you go through this I always worry I have done something awful to you and I would never want to do that. I need you to talk me through it so that I don't make things worse due to my own insecurities"

I also found those books to be pretty unhelpful personally. Most seem to be from the angle of it is so hard on the NT to "deal" with all of the AS traits... To me it is like tying your shoes. It is only difficult until you figure out how then it is easy. Ask questions here, respond to posts, read what people are saying. These are real people communicating back and forth about the life we are all living. In such a short period of time my own relationship has gone from really nice to FLIPPIN AMAZING! I can feel and see the changes. The whole atmosphere of our home has changed (my 13 year old son is Aspie too) You can not get from books what you can learn here and when he knows you really "get it" and are fine with that and he can just be himself quirks and all he will relax and many of the more extreme traits soften. I have discovered by giving them what they need they are better able to give me what my girly emotional NT self needs... About two weeks into my new process I had a meltdown of my own.. tears for seemingly no reason etc.. it freaks them out because like you they try to figure out what is going on. I was quick to let them know it was just me giving into the emotional side and that no one has done anything wrong and I can't explain it so they understand but everything is ok and I just need them to accept this. They were both great about it and I got through it and was able to explain that learning all of these new ways of communicating has taught me how to see the reasons behind my feelings and that has been a little overwhelming. I am happy about it but it is also a lot to experience.

Once you learn his patterns and how he needs you to react things will get better.

I applaud your post LoriB, you seem to be the NT that gets what we're like! It's sad that we are so emotionally inept and can't give out the best signals...but at least some NTs understand!

**Yes, your post made my day better just for being an understanding person.

I get what "you" are really like thanks to all of "you" Everyone has been wonderful at expressing their feelings and it has made this process wonderful and amazing to me. This really isn't as diffiuclt as people try to make it. I really don't feel that AS is a "diagnosis, condition, something wrong" It is more similar to a cultural difference to me. Once you learn the culture and understand the meanings behind behaviors it is easy. The one thing that bothers me most is that NT's have beat it into Aspies that they are emotionally inept. I simply don't agree. We express our emotions differently but we have the same ones. So why is it wrong to not express those feelings the way NT's do? Once someone takes the time to learn how "you" express different things it is easy to recognize. Just as easy as it is to recognize it in a NT. Communication is definitely the key and if more NT's would just learn to actually listen to what is being told to them by an Aspie and then communicate back What they want, why they want it and how they want it to happen in fact not in emotion things would be so much easier all the way around. I have actually been sharing my knowledge with anyone who will listen lol.. I have two friends in NT/NT relationships and talked to them about the way I communicate with my boyfriend and they tried it with their husbands with the EXACT SAME results. It is the NT who is inept. We communicate what we feel and expect the other person to know what we mean and they interperate what we said by how that "feels" to them and it is one great big mess lol. Also, so many NT's are arrogent and self centered and expect everyone to change to suite them and what they want. I have always been one to figure out how to acomplish what I want and go about it in the way that will get me the best results. I am glad to share that some of us NT's do get Aspies and to give you hope that with a little effort you can get us communicating properly