Fear and itdiots killed my sexuality

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Hello All,

Created an account here just to rant (not really rave). I know this community has gained the reputation of being a cesspool of self loathing and regret and negativity ... at least from others that told me of here. So I will try to be as gentle as possible and try not to continue the cycle.

Long story short::

Found an in-person aspie group that met regularly in the a nearby city a while back. I was not there to find singles, but for my personal edification and solidarity as an aspie. Well, one of the guys in the group a little older than I ... he had this stupid morbid obsession with sex. He couldn't clean his room when he invited me over to his place. He couldnt keep track of finances of even bathe properly. His mother assisted me in a transitory situation as I secured housing, to tell me I had severe deficits and serious places "making it through life" ... the same mantra I've heard from my own family all my life. Said only people with severe problems cant keep a job. I knew better considering my physical appearance, lack of work experience, having been right out of college, the economy, etc, etc.

I live on my own. The mother was sympathetic with me, but like so many others, she felt I was a wasted case and would never learn. The guy, her son, wanted me to be his guinea pig because he missed out on sex. He was ugly as Hell, UGLY. I played into society's paws and lived in the illusion that I am worthless and thus I am only worthy of associating sexually with a low life that can't perform basic functions ... yet though I am significantly more able in that department, his mom believed otherwise and thought after 2 days she knew me.

What I would do to never have attempted to meet other aspies. The derangement and sheer horror at the way some of them view the world is greatly disturbing. I've viewed the world as an outsider looking in, aware of myself but also of others. I sought after alternative treatments that have cleansed my body and made me calmer, and therapy is a blessing. I am so much better off than even 2 years ago.

But how stupid I was to think as an aspie, I deserve an idiot partner. I dont masturbate and I suppress any sexual thoughts. Not because I want to, but because of how mistreated I was by peers and family. No one asked me how I feel, what I think. They simply examined my attitude and left it at that, not wondering why I was the way I was.

I get by extremely well socially. But I am distant and do the bare bones minimum. Lack of personal regard on my end has killed my sexuality, and it began with what others said and think of me. Let this be a cautionary tale if anything else. I am hot as Hell now, and I learned many things about aspergers and the face and body and my body is learning to heal itself. Fear almost completely shut my body down and destroyed me after years of sadness and mistreatment and biological damage. But I still hate my body - despite the hottness. I am hit on now, and its just nauseating and depressing for me. I dont even bother explaining myself.

All obsessions are bad, and anyone who does not realize this does not live in reality .. unlike the ret*d person I fooled around with. Yes, I use that word in a literal sense and not in a derogatory manner. I hope I will forgive myself one day. Worst imaginable experience of someone in bed I can think of! I hate him. It was a nightmare, and the worst of it all is I feel into illusion and participated willingly. I didn't even go far with the person.

Rant over

Anonon

Last edited by anonon on 05 Nov 2012, 12:42 am, edited 2 times in total.

She's too articulate to be a troll ... or isn't she?

That guy and his mother sound more like predators than aspies.

Long story short, a lot of girls I know have at least one encounter they would like to have back. I actually know a guy or two that would also like to have one back.

You said that obsessions are bad, you're right...but suppressing all sexual thought is overkill.

I would suggest you block the person, cut them out of your life, and get some help to rationalize what's happened.

Lol you think I could make a story like that up?

Yeah I know there's some pot calling the kettle black going on ... just a free association of thoughts.

I'm not purposefully trying to start a riot or piss off.

Honestly, I've seen some trolls that could make up some far worse stuff than that.

But I posted from the position that you are telling the truth.

She is not a predator. He is. Both are ignorant. They have been out of my life for a while. It's frustrating though when people assume you are wrong just because you (I) are aspie. And I bought into the illusion that I am messed up and can't do anything about it.

Yes I told the truth. There is no contest of who can come up with the worst story.

I agree.

I hope that you have taken some help with those sexual issues. You should be able to enjoy your body and be with someone.

It sounds like you've improved your life and feel secure how and where you are. Maybe someday you'll want sexual contact, and maybe you won't; it's none of our business, as long as you aren't a danger to yourself or others : ) .
Since it seems to bother you, I would suggest that you tone down the 'hot as hell' a little; there have been threads on the women's forum before on how to make yourself less attractive and on what people can do to decrease their sex drive, if it really is damaging to your peace of mind. The biggest thing to start with is that 'aspie face,' the sort of neutral-not-smile, no eye contact face, generally seems to be the biggest turn-off there is and might even come naturally to you.

It just amazes me how as an aspie, I got stigmatized by many of the very people that were supposed to love and help.

It's almost as if I supreased my sexuality to get back at the people that never thought much of me. I was made fun of for my body when I hadn't realized ways to help myself, none of it was my fault.

Im not dogmatic about sex. In fact I feel quite genderless.
As far as being in danger to myself or others, I have a really good therapist.

My aspie face did a complete 180 in a short time. So much of how we relate to other has to do with the face. A slight poker face is there still, and you are right that attractiveness and the face can be related often.

Hilarious in reference to the hotness thing, I can see the humour when somebody is out of shape and they wear a shirt saying body of a God with Buddha on the front. It makes me laugh when I see someone walking down with pants that say "gorgeous" on the rear but some people do, it just makes me laugh.

If you are going to refer to yourself as hot, you should at least upload some type of photo.

thankfully your personal standard of "hot" is not the same for everyones.

Wait ... did I even specify my personal standard? You must be a lot more sharp than I am if you found where I referenced what I consider fulfils the standard of hot other than the self reference. And face shape IS considered in part indicative of attractiveness and you SHOULD thank God that I DO take face alignment into account!

This isn't number zero wearing a shirt saying they are a hero, or the fat kid wearing a shirt saying they are skinny. My whole point was that my body is completely different and worlds apart from when I was bulied and considered unattractive ... and because of the pain I have trouble enjoying my body even though it looks as if I an not even the same person ... even compared to when I met referenced guy.

It is pretty extreme if one would continue to hate their body given what I just wrote. But some people found amusement in that. To each their own.

Your accepting the OPs definition of 'hot,' or that the OP is 'hot,' is not necessary for this thread. He or she has no obligation to impress you or demonstrate that they fit your definition. The simple fact that they get more come-ons than they are comfortable with is enough.

i was talking to the person above me

It might not be a bad idea for one of the mod's to move this thread to The Haven, so people will be a little kinder while the OP vents.