Got advice from a friend and now I feel utterly overwhelmed

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I've been trying to be more proactive and consulting friends for help with dating. One gave some useful advice, but one that has me feeling really overwhelmed. Her comments relate to my wardrobe, and she kindly offered to take me clothes shopping for more "fashionable" attire.

I just don't know though. I take some pride in how I look, though that look has not always been in step with modern fashions. When I go out, I wear a nice polo shirt tucked in with shorts or long khakis. I like to carry a pocket-watch that is a family heirloom and important to me. Overall I try to dress with a sense of pride in myself, as well as an independent flair. I've long ago quit trying to assimilate and be like everyone else, because that just doesn't work. I was never accepted anyways, and I don't hold a lot of respect for most regular people. I try to aspire to be better, to be DIFFERENT.

So it feels like changing my attire is kind of changing who I am, and misrepresenting myself to a potential date. Because I'm NOT like everyone else, nor do I really wish to be. And I'm not so sure I want to date the sort of girl who is attracted to me by the clothes I wear or the cologne I put on. I want to be liked for who I am and what I have to offer. And I try to practice what I preach. I find it quite attractive in women those who clearly AREN'T concerned about the latest fashions or styles. They wear what is right for them. They are independent of mind, body and spirit. Quite frankly, I find girls with too much makeup, too much perform, who dress too trendy to be real turn offs. They just seem too concerned about the wrong things, and not concerned enough about those things that matter to me.

And I feel overwhelmed because I do want to date, but at what price? Buying a whole new wardrobe? Changing my look completely? I mean, just a cursory read on google reveals to me a million fashion faux pas I'm committing as we speak. Good lord I've got pleated khakis. I never knew those were supposedly out of style or unhip. I thought khakis were hkakis, and the fact I took the time to ensure they're neatly pressed, that I dress each day with a nice shirt and a belt and nice shoes, that it conveyed I cared about my appearance. There are just so many hurdles and little things all these fashion blogs say I need to do, and I get utterly overwhelmed.

I ask myself, "Have we really made it this hard for ourselves? Is loneliness we foist upon ourselves because of unrealistic ideals? How many people are alone because they've been indoctrinated to believe that a guy is somehow not dating material because his pants have a crease?" I mean, how messed up is that? Can't we just all be eager to meet new people and see what happens and not give a holy hell about what we wear?

So I ask, where is the line? Do I accept this offer? How much should I have to change in order to simply get a date? Or should I resist, and be who I am, wear what gives me pride and confidence, and say, "To hell with those who dismiss me without bothering to KNOW me first?"

I want to date. I really do. But all these rules, all these pitfalls, all these constructs we erect between ourselves and others just fills me with sadness and hopelessness. What can I/We do?

Don't change your clothes or the way you look. You'll attract the wrong type of person for you. Our clothes are like a canvas, through them we show a little bit of who we are. If you dress up to find a girl, you will find one who cares about things like dressing up. My boyfriend is an absolute mess, and this was one of the things that attracted me to him. He has paint and rips in his clothes, he couldn't care less about what he looks like, and that made me interested in him before even knowing him, because I don't believe in dressing up either. If he had changed his look, I probably wouldn't have been as interested in him when I saw him. Sometimes friends think it's helpful to give makeovers and stuff, girls especially, but that's because they think you should have their idea of style, not your own.
Be different. Dress in the way you like. Then you will attract someone who actually likes you and not the image you create for yourself.

If you can afford it, I'd say why not? Just don't buy anything you're absolutely uncomfortable with. If you think you're attracting wrong kind of women with your new look, you can always go back to khakis. I hope your friend has a good taste.

Depends on your desperation level.

If you're just looking to date Someone, give it a shot. Go with your friend and buy an outfit or two she puts together and see how it works out.

If you're more concerned with being someone that appreciates you as you are than being alone, don't change. You might just break it to her down like "Thanks for the offer, and I may end up doing that, but can we try something else first?"

Personally I would suggest a hybrid approach. Go with your friend. Consider her suggestions. Take the ones that you like and leave the rest. Exposing yourself to new and modern fashion ideas won't hurt any and you might just find something you love that you can fit within your style.

You're not going to get as much attention from girls if you continue to dress the way you do. I give talks at a lot of autism events. I frequently get questions about dating and hear stories. Some of these stories or told by aspies who have never even kissed but then I hear a lot of stories from aspies who've had experience dating. Based on my observations, the guys on the spectrum with more experience dating dress fashionably.

There are also a ton of guys with hardly any experience dating. For the most part, those guys dress exactly like you. They always wonder why they're getting no attention and when I tell them to wear more trendy clothes, they get very defensive about their "personal style" which generally is more generic than the fashion conscious aspies' wardrobe. In fact, there's a lot more variation and individualism in the way these "trendy" aspies dress. You have a lot more license for independent flare when you wear something other than khakis and polos.

I don't see how changing what you wear somehow makes you inauthentic to who you are. The pocket watch would actually be kind of cool if you dressed in a fashionable manner. You're currently wearing khakis with tucked in polos. That doesn't make you unique in any way. You're not the only person who dresses in khakis and polos and you're certainly not the only aspie. You didn't come up with the idea of wearing khakis and polos so it isn't really something essential to your identify.

If you want to continue to dress that way because it makes you happy, that's your prerogative. But the simple fact is that if you stop wearing khakis with tucked in polos, you'll get more interest from girls (even cool girls who aren't shallow and aren't concerned with the wrong things).

By the way, those girls who wear whatever they want and don't seem to be concerned about the latest trends and styles are usually pretty fashion conscious and spend a lot of time and energy picking out what they wear so that it looks good but still seems like they didn't try.

Boy, if you lived in Seattle, this wouldn't be an issue at all. Just walking around here you realize people don't give a toss about fashion. I've never seen a city with such a high preponderance of folks with "devil may care" attitudes. Nice.

Look I know I'm not original. Quite frankly I bet I look like a tool and a chump.

But it's what I'm comfortable with, what feels natural to me, what I like. And I just feel that if I'm going to change my appearance it's going to be for the right reasons, it's going to be for me.

What makes something you do or wear inauthentic is when you don't believe in it, or are doing it for reasons other than personal preference. If you wear a Che Guevara T-shirt, but without the knowledge of what he stood for, you're being inauthentic, IMO.

And it just feels that if I change who I am and how I look, not just for somebody else, but for somebody else I HAVEN'T even met yet, that is archly inauthentic. It's crazy to let other people try to change you. To let invisible hypothetical people you've never met do that to you, is f*****g stupid.

Honestly, this has helped me make up my mind. I'm not going to change who I am or what I wear for some fantasy I may never meet. God how f*****g stupid I was to even consider it.

I'm just going to be who I am, and if I change it's gonna be because I want to, not to suit the whims of some stranger. Honestly, I'd rather be alone.

Thanks all for the advice.

Guess you missed Alex's advice.

If you don't want to change; at least untuck your shirt. A tucked in shirt in an informal social situation can send negative signals.

Basically, wear what you want. Definitely be neat and clean for the most part, but it's okay to wear grungy clothes for grungy work, like mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, etc. Wear your own version of the right clothes for the situation. And don't let others pressure you into a full wardrobe change that isn't you. It might be fun to let this friend help you buy one or two outfits that are trendy, but remember, no total makeovers. For one thing a whole new wardrobe would cost a lot more, and for another, it will take time for you to get used to another style.

I wear what I want, just making sure to be neat and clean when going out. I am definitely not trendy--no high heels ever, no make-up, no skirts/dresses. I also don't wear bras around the house, as they are uncomfortable, but do wear them when going out. I live alone, and have every right to be comfortable around my own home. Heck, my father came over unexpectedly earlier in the week and I was wearing a night shirt. I put on a full length zip up bathrobe, dragged a folding chair out onto the porch (I have bad knees), and we talked for a while out there. The weather was nice, so I wanted to hang out outside. I only buy full length zip up robes, just so I can wear them out on the porch or in the yard to take out the garbage. It is not stylish to wear bathrobes outside, but because it's still just around the outside of the house, and because long zip robes provide good coverage, this is okay.

I don't give two cents for being "stylish." Neat and clean when called for, grungy clothes for grungy work, swimwear for the beach, and so on, sure, but people over concerned with style can go soak their heads--stylishly.

Trying out new wardrobes with friends is something you'd do for fun. If it's incredibly stressful for you to try on some clothes you've never worn before, you're taking life too seriously.

The idea is to look good for yourself.

If you think you look like a tool and a chump, which is how you described yourself, you're going to feel like one and I don't know why anyone would be comfortable with that.

Also its fun to dress in a different ways and see how people react. Take life less seriously and you'll enjoy it more. I used to worry about every little thing like that and it didn't make me happy.

If alex says it's a good idea to have a change of clothes then maybe it's worth a shot, even if you are not convinced.
This friend obviously cares... it'd be a shame if your just going to dismiss her help.
I used to worry like alex as well but my worries aren't as bad as they were and they are nowhere near as much.
Also I can't believe alex has time to post?

Maybe instead of buying a whole new wardrobe; just get one or two new outfits for going out and see how it works.

This is a situation in which reality is different from what I'd like it to be. I'd like there to be a situation where the way someone dresses doesn't matter. However, reality is different, so it's worth a shot to change outfits. I'm considering something similar myself - the plain jeans with a shirt and a sweater or a jacket thing is getting old.