Page 1 of 1 [ 5 posts ] 

Graelwyn
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Dec 2006
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 9,385
Location: Hants, Uk

22 Dec 2006, 6:16 am

Hi, to begin, I am new here. I have not been officially diagnosed with aspergers, but on 4 online tests I have taken, I have come out at the very high end, which boggles me somewhat, as I have been in love with someone with probably aspergers for the last 7 months, and only realised the descriptions fit me when I started reading up on it. My ex was aspergers, but because I had been diagnosed with another disorder and because I feel intense emotions and can express them in writing, I assumed I couldnt possibly be so.


Anyway, in spite of probably having it myself, I am having great difficulty understanding this man. To give a few details on him, he has a routine where he spends every day between the local library and one large store where he seems to feel secure and talks to certain staff members and random customers. He has a habit of sometimes bouncing up and down when he talks. He flaps his hands sometimes when he is walking. He moves around a lot... he rarely sits down for long periods. He spends much time copying things into notebooks and is a collector of things, especially antiques. He is highly intelligent.

Anyway, basically, when I first started liking him, I had no idea what to do so I would simply try and be where he was, spending more time in the store, and watch. And I already skated in the park he walks thro to go home, so I would also see him there. He hardly seemed to notice me until one day he gave me a wonderful smile. Next day, I made a gross error. I was stood in the same park, chatting to two men...just acquaintances..and one waved to him. Right after that, he went and told someone he knew spoke to me, that if I spoke to him he would smash my face in.
Soon after, I asked another friend who he spoke to also to help, so she asked him why he wouldnt talk to me and told him I liked him. His response was confusing. He told her that he didnt want to know me, didnt want to talk to me, didnt want anyone in his head..and that he would flush my head down the toilet if I spoke to him..but he also said to her that he would talk to me if she had me sit down...then he changed his mind, said he couldnt and fled. For months, he would avoid me. He would cross over to not have to pass me, he would move if I sat near me, yet at times, he would also walk all round the library to look for where I was. It was very confusing.

In last 2 months, he has been more settled and gone back to his routine. We cross paths every day, and I have heard that at the same time as he said he didnt want to know me, he also told a lady that he had an admirer he liked a lot. His behaviour is totally conflicting to me. A lot of days, he seems to see me but acts as if he doesnt...and shows indifference. But other days, he hovers around me and turns up wherever I happen to be. On one occasion, I was sat out in the main street in the evening...as we both talk to people in the store quite late, and I caught sight of him darting behind a pillar, and then coming out and looking my way. Then he paced, and then he walked off swinging a deer antler he had got for his collection, looking frustrated. Another time, he played a game when we were both walking along the same road into town...where he kept going into the road before mine, and popping out of a side road in front of me. Yet another time, he came to watch me while I dozed in the library... I heard him come over twice before he sat back down.

So, my question is...what am I to make of this behaviour? I know he has been alone over 10 years. I know a woman he had an intense relationship with, left him. He is in his 40s. I am 31. He has even referred to me as a stalker one day, yet hovered around me the next. How am I to know if he is interested, playing games or what? I really do love this man, and he is aware of that because he has had letters and he took poems that I left him that I had written..and even showed them to others.

I tried talking to him once recently, and he just looked up at me, then looked back down at his lap and started messing around with a bottle off aftershave. He seemed to just...detach. Afterwards, he got up apparently, and crossed the store to look to where I was twice. I have asked for a note, or for him to have someone else tell me if he isnt interested, but none has been forthcoming. I am hopeless myself at initiating further contact and find myself too afraid to go near him generally, let alone attempt to speak again.

This is 7 months now I have been waiting and hoping...am I hoping fruitlessly?

Thanks in advance to those who manage to wade their way through this lot lol.



krex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Jun 2006
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,106
Location: Village of the Damned

22 Dec 2006, 9:48 am

"flush you head down the toilet"????Are you sure he has aspergers and not schizophrenia?I am just mentioning this because he reminds me of someone I was involved with,that I eventually found out was schizophrinic.This is an odd expression for an adult to use.It sounds like you are both obsessed with each other and that is not the same thing as love.I have had many obsessions with "eccentric" men.Seeing them and thinking about them actually made me feel "high".I would persue them and eventually end up with them and be soooo happy......for awhile.Then,four or six months later,the obsession would just end.It was very painful for the person I had attached to.I would still like them as a person but the "high" was gone and I would get restless.I am only telling you this because I think the guy is very afraid of being betrayed,as he was in the past.I think you are correct in assuming his "change of heart" towards you was triggered by seeing you speaking to two other guys.He already considers you "his".This "cat and mouse" game,maybe his way of testing you to see if he can trust you.

I am concerned that if you ever did "hook-up" his fear of being "dumped" might make him very possessive.I can not count the number of relationships I ruined do to my possesiveness and low self-esteem.I simply could not trust that someone actually loved me and would not leave the second someone better came along.Relationships are so complicated.If you do decide you want to continue pursuing this relationship, you are going to need to be very
patient.I wish you luck.If possible,I think it would be great if you could see a therapist who works with people with AS.


_________________
Just because one plane is flying out of formation, doesn't mean the formation is on course....R.D.Lang

Visit my wool sculpture blog
http://eyesoftime.blogspot.com/


Gamester
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Nov 2006
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,935
Location: Newberg, OR

22 Dec 2006, 1:21 pm

Uhm......to be frank Graewyln, I'd say that this isn't exactly a healthy relationship for you to want to pursue. just by the looks of it, I'd say that it might be both a mixture of skizto and aspergers, and possibly an identity disorder as well.

If you could give us any more information, that'd be helpful.



Graelwyn
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Dec 2006
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 9,385
Location: Hants, Uk

22 Dec 2006, 6:27 pm

I only know what I observe and have been told. I know he works for a museum occasionally, collecting items for them, I know he lives alone and does not value possessions, I know from others that he is highly intelligent, I know he has a major fear of drunk people and confrontations in general as he is harassed by teenagers and kids in the apartment block he lives in. I know he likes animals. He is not aggressive generally, in fact I have seen no signs of aggression in him. He doesnt talk to people outside of the library and the store in general. I have been told that he doesnt like people approaching him first or forcing their friendship on him. He spends most of his time in the library studying quietly or copying material from books. The rest of the time, from what I have seen, he spends chatting to customers and staff in a store. He is very animated in that he moves about a lot...doesnt sit still for long periods generally. It does just seem to be me that he has reacted this way with, maybe because I have feelings for him? I do not think he is schizophrenic. I do know he has OCD...a thing for checking labels on things.

I am not obsessed with him, no more so than anyone else might be when they have come to love someone. He has openly told another that he has not had a woman for 10 years. He said to someone else that he didn't want anyone to know him...but then, that is the way surely that many react when they are fearful of changing the habits of 10 years? I dont know, what more do you want to know? No one he speaks to apart from one lady, even considers him to have aspergers or autism , and he speaks to people daily, so I would have thought if he were schizo etc, someone would have picked it out, he is simply known to be somewhat eccentric and informative... he likes to talk about what he does, his own life, his collecting, his interests, and does not always listen to anything the other person has to say,



briangwin33
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 12 Dec 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 183