NT Security vs. Aspie's Privacy

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Last edited by MIAspieGF on 09 Dec 2012, 5:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

I know. I've had this too. My fiance had to get some of her things back form an ex, a year ago. I wasn't there and got incredibly anxious that they were hanging around. All my past girlfriends have either ditched or cheated on me, so, yes, it does leave an impression. It makes for trust issues that are very difficult to uproot. The best you can do is be open and explain them rationally. With honest eyes. I have explained it a few times to my fiance so she understands that it's not her, it's just the result of that canal being built by others - so that's where the water goes if I'm not consciously guiding it elsewhere. It's not your fault. But it does need to change, eventually. And it can. It's taken me a year, but it's been changing for me.

My Aspie bf is extremely careful about his privacy too, and we live at a distance... so can you imagine... I don't think he's in touch with his ex-girlfriends but that's still not enough to reassure me. So I understand how you feel, you start imagining maybe there is something shady and your mind jumps to conclusions.

In the end I decided to stop worrying so much about it. I don't bug him if he doesn't want to share everything. I choose to trust him even if it puzzles me, because I keep thinking that if there is no trust between us, then the relationship cannot work out anyway. Maybe it is naive and everything, but if I can't trust him, then I shouldn't stay with him...

You might also want to consider this, but not to think too highly of it either since it may cause extreme anxiety. Everyone has that ex, or previous fling that always jumps back into the picture at the strangest times. While I was with an NT girl recently, I got a random text from someone back home that was once interested in me. I replied to her and brushed her off as politely as I could. There are some people I will not even allow to make contact with me out of fear that they could potentially ruin a good thing I have going on with someone I am involved with at that time. I can't always say the same for the people I am with.

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Last edited by MIAspieGF on 09 Dec 2012, 5:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

I don't know. You would do better to talk to my hubby. He has the same issue with me.

I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to share my thoughts, my friends, my conversations with other people because I'm ashamed. Of what?? I'm really not sure. Liking to think to much about things, my own perceptions, the fact that unless it's my kids I can really only interact with one person at a time. Afraid anything I say will be misunderstood and start a fight or bring judgment down on my head.

What it is for her, I don't know.

I know you can't live sick and scared all the time. I know Aspies are hard people to love and I know that "Cassandra syndrome" is real. I know that my husband was a happy, healthy man with a normal, active social life before he met me; now he's anxious, depressed, over weight, and isolated.

I don't know if I could have changed. I haven't gotten any better at sharing friends or thoughts. I've just learned, sadly, that it's best if I try not to have them. Especially thoughts.

I don't know what to tell you, other than that you are in for a long hard road if you choose to continue this relationship.

ETA: I told my hubby from the outset that I tended to befriend guys and that he had to be OK with that or hit the road. All my guy friends really are just friends and have never been anything else-- and he still says it is in his nature to feel threatened by them, that it's in any man's nature. Well, it's in my nature to feel threatened by women. I don't care if he hangs around them-- that's his business-- but I don't like being around them. They scare me and I never feel quite comfortable; even though I have a couple of female friends, I don't feel safe around them. There are always things I don't understand, they're always trying to "fix" me, and I'm always waiting for them to turn on me.

Again--You sound so much like my hubby that my heart breaks for you. I hate to say this, but you are in for a long hard road with a lot of unhappiness for both of you if you choose to continue this relationship. I'm not saying you shouldn't-- I don't know whether I'd do it all again or not, and hubby swears he would-- I'm just saying that you both need to think about that and decide what to do going forward.

Last edited by BuyerBeware on 07 Dec 2012, 2:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yes, opposite sexes can be good friends, but you have to know what that interaction looks like - it took me years to learn what a girl, not invested emotionally in other guys, looks like. Decent guy friends gather around a girl for similar interests, intellectual stimulation, or perhaps because they grew up together. They are happy for the girl when she finds someone she loves. They aren't secretive, or mean to you, they aren't jealous of you, they don't drop contact with the girl -- they become your friend, too. More importantly, they don't do the texting, chatty, schmoozy, smarmy stuff - especially when the girl is involved with someone. Those kinds of guys are only interested in her as an object, a potential sex partner, and not as a person, or an actual "friend."

My ex-girlfriend of 10 years kept talking to a number of "guy" friends, and making new ones- sometimes secretively. She'd say they all were "just friends" but I noticed many of these were the type of chatty, passively flattering and smarmy people most would deem a degree of "player" type. I struck up a conversation with one of them, and made it passively obvious I was her long-term boyfriend. Then the guy, who had texted her every day for months, suddenly dropped her like a hot potato. She then got sad wondering why he stopped chatting with her. To me it was obvious. That's what those type of douche-guys do, and they aim precisely at the kind of girl that enjoys that attention. But don't be naive thinking it's just the guys --- the girl is being one too. I used to forgive my ex-GF or think she was naive, or oblivious to the tacit "rules" governing the quality of opposite-sex interactions.

The truth is that single people give off a "vibe" of their being available, it's in the way they causally display their emotions to others. My ex-girlfriend always had this vibe, and it bothered me to no end. She pretended to be oblivious to all of it, and sought attention from as many guys as would interact with her. Always claiming loyalty to me. Well, I paid for it - she cheated on me last year -- and I then found out she did 5 years ago, too. She'd been lying to me, and I'd been naive in my benefit-of-doubt in trusting her portrayal of it. She did nothing to prevent herself from being in those situations, around those types of people, because she WAS one of them. It's not the guy -- it's the girl too - personalities are very much reflected in the company they keep... That's a hard lesson to learn -- my ultimate solution was to cut all contact - to find someone else that wasn't manipulative, or oblivious. Some people aren't capable of realizing the damage they are doing by constantly needing the attention of the opposite sex. There is a very important distinction to be made between "having some male friends" and "constantly needing male attention." Don't let her disguise the latter, as the former.

She may attempt to turn it around on you, say you're paranoid, insecure, or whatever else. When the fact may be that she is infringing on perfectly reasonable boundaries that most people have. That shoe may or may not fit, but be honest with yourself. If it does, don't let her turn it around on you. Your feelings are legitimate, they matter. What you describe sounds rather familiar to me. And it's not a good or healthy place to be, especially if you're a nice guy, because she's likely to make a doormat out of you.

Last edited by abyssquick on 07 Dec 2012, 3:01 pm, edited 12 times in total.

MiaspieGF This is what I think ( I am an aspie woman).

I think that you are insecure (and yes it is justified by the cheating you were submitted to, in your past). But, and this is a big but, this girl hasn't cheated on you, has she? So why are you saying you trust her, and then on the same breath say you are afraid? Of what? That those others you say you don't trust are going to kidnap her and take her away from you? That's still not trusting *her*, no matter how you look at it.

I can guarantee that if she is going to cheat, it isn't by you, having these issues, that you will avoid it. I only keep in contact with ex's with whom I have a healthy *friendly* relationship with. If I was interested in them romantically, then I would be with them, and not with anyone else.

As to privacy, this:

"I want to give her my passwords to my computer, social networking, and e-mail to help prove so. I want her to go through my things and realize “Wow, he really has nothing to hide from me”.

...woud drive me away from you. My privacy is mine and that's why it is called privacy. My space, my emails, my texts, my solitude. I do not have to explain these things over and over again. Individuality is paramount. It's healthy to have some things separate. Even when I was married it took 7 years before I agreed to a joint bank account. Not because I didn't trust my husband, but because some things we just like to keep separate. PLus, as aspies, breaking habits can be difficult and time consuming.

I think you might need counselling? I did have someone cheat on me too. That's in the past. Until someone gives you a reason to be distrusted? It's not fair to berate them with eternal queries about who and what she is texting.

Good luck

I like my privacy I cherish it very much so when nt invades it its like me being a cornered housecat and the nt being a curious beagle.Ill be arched up and hissing.

Well I don't know how much help this will be to you but I can give you things from my point of view from having an Ex who was like yourself although a bit more... not sure of the word, untrusting? I've always valued my privacy, always will and I respect others privacy as well. When we first started dating there was often times I would find here reading through my text messages because she was "just being nosey" it annoyed me but it didnt bother me all that much at first as there was nothing in there and I had nothing to hide. As time went on she did it more and more, to the point that even if i got a text message she would often be looking over my shoulder reading things as I was getting them or reading my replies. The day I had enough was when I left my laptop on and caught her reading through old email conversations of mine to people from before I met her.

To make this all seem a bit clearer before I continue I am an absolute horder when it comes to emails or infact anything I've written or been sent. I have emails dating back to the 90s in old accounts, old highschool reports and so forth. I've got a horribly long memory so I like to keep things around not because I linger on the past but more for the reassurance I'm remembering things right.

We had an huge argument (well, she argued, I was calm like always which just made her worse) about how she should respect my privacy and how I never do any of that to her. She didnt stop though, she would keep looking at my phone when I was out the room when I had asked/told her not to. Again there was never anything in there I didnt want her to see but at this point it was more the principle. The more she pushed the more I pushed back, I put a lock on my phone, and eventually a program to lock the messages. Of course none of that ever stopped her slyly learning the unlock codes thinking I didnt realise what she was doing. She wasnt exactly the brightest bulb in the box.

Anyway, the fact that I would always go that one step further to protect my privacy (almost like a privacy cold war really) made her assume something was going on even though she was unable to grasp that it was her behaviour that brought it all on in the first place. Likewise for me, the more she ignored me when I asked her to respect my privacy and went behind my back to invade it pushed me away from her. In my eyes the fact she couldnt respect my privacy when i asked her meant she didnt respect me and her going behind my back meant she didnt trust me and in the process I lost any trust I had in her. Even with all the times she checked my messages or not so slyly checked when I was out the room, she never found any reason in there to be suspitious but she simply just couldnt accept that. It was almost like the more she found nothing, the more she assumed something must be going on and I was just covering my tracks. Ultimately it was self defeating really.

I guess what it really comes down to is do you trust her? I know the situations arent exactly the same but I do know if she had simply trusted me then we would most likely still be together now.

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Last edited by MIAspieGF on 09 Dec 2012, 5:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

No, like you said while disrespectfully mocking my legitimate feelings, I am not afraid of her being kidnapped and taken away from me. I am afraid of her being manipulated. In regards to giving her my passwords, I would never expect hers in return. I wouldn't actually give her my passwords for no reason, but if I needed her to get into something (if I wasn't able to get to a computer while at work and I needed to find something out in my e-mail), I wouldn't hesitate. I've thought of therapy, and my girlfriend and I have discussed me seeing a therapist (she already sees one). But we both agree it would mostly so that I am more properly equipped on how to handle certain situations. I don't "berate" her with eternal inquiries, I ask in a kind, non-accusatory, manner. Why? Because I am afraid of people taking advantage of her. I know she isn't an idiot, and she is in fact an incredibly strong woman. But people can be manipulated, and she has said to me that she feels like she can be (and has been) easily manipulated. She is stronger than the person she was in her past, I can see that, but I want to protect her. And she wants me to protect her as well. It is a mutual feeling of her knowing, no matter what is going on in the world, I've got her back, I can help her see things clearly, and I will not let anything bad happen to her (at least nothing that is in either of our control). Honestly, I found your entire reply to me completely belligerent, disrespectful and completely lacking of anything constructive.

First of all stop putting intention in my phrases. You have made me very angry with your tactless reply. How dare you say I was mocking you? First of all, I don't "mock" people. Second, I have been hurt enough times to know what it is like to suffer. But, and this is where we are different, I am NOT going to see things where they don't exist. Maybe *you* didn't explain yourself well, have you ever tought about *that*? Or given the off chance that *I* had limited information on the case and was giving my honest opinion as a woman, as an aspie, and as someone who has been cheated on. Your response is rue to say the least. It's like you ask for food, someone gives you what best they can with the ingredients provided, and you have the nerve to spit it out and say it's tasteless. *You* attacked me, put intentions into my post, and chose to completely ignore the positive aspects, saying there was none. Telling you to look into counselling is what? Do you even know *how* long it took me to get over the cheating I endured? Do you have any idea how trust is so important to me and how I fear it's just going to happen again? But I *certainly* am NEVER going to use someone new and say they can be easily manipulated if we are taking about cheating. That still tells me you don't trust her. People who cheat are not considerate with their lovers, they are the ones int he wrong and I wouldn't go finding excuses for them.. So, yes, for me, there is trust or there isn't. Your feelings aside (which is where counselling can be helpful) what you are saying is you deep down think she will be influenced into cheating.

Now I have been insulted, thanks for ruining my Sunday, I will go.

AspieSandra,

I'm sorry for coming at you the wrong way, for attacking you and insulting you. I'm sorry for ruining your Sunday. I do trust my girlfriend, and I was upset by you telling me that I don't. I love her and I trust her, and I truly don't think she will ever cheat. I was incredibly anxious, and writing that while distracted at work. It is all a s**t excuse and I apologize.

I'm sorry.

MIaspieGF...I am sorry too. I am like a bulldozer sometimes. I mean well but come across all wrong.

I want you to be happy. I know what it's like.

Big hug.

It's a difficult topic. Each of our experiences will be different. Sometimes drastically so.

Humans are social creatures. Even Aspies. We want to feel accepted by others, to be fully included in the lives of the people we love. We want to trust and feel secure in others. Love is vulnerability by nature.

Take all responses with a "grain of salt" - only apply commentary to the degree of it's relevancy to you. Sometimes the contours are loose - even so, the perspective may still be valuable. People only ever respond from their own domains of experience. Nobody experiences exactly the same path to their emotional reality.

Thank you for your apology AspieSandra, it does mean a lot.

My girlfriend and I spoke about this in great depth. Together we found the root of the problem, and found that we both have similar fears. Not a fear of either of us cheating on each other, but something a bit more humbling(?). We both apparently think that the other is to good for ourselves. We are both afraid that the other will meet someone better than ourselves, and go to that person instead. This is why the frequent contact with someone of the opposite sex bothers me. I'm going away for a few months, and while I trust her completely, she does have male friends, some that are exes (even if they only dated for a very short period of time). In my head, I imagine her going out with a male friend, and the two of them sitting there thinking "Why aren't we still together?". When you think the other person is too good for you, it is quite a rational fear. Knowing that she has a similar fear about me put my mind at ease for the most part, but these are thoughts that I still have to fight.

Yesterday a male friend invited her to a work Christmas party about 3 hours away. Without me asking any questions, she told me about it as he was texting her. Come to find out, he didn't even know she isn't single, and she didn't want to go without me. She was even looking for help on how to write him, not realizing that his NT mind would completely understand her not wanting to go the party without me. He sadly isn't able to take more than one guest, so she made the decision to not go. I'm not sure if she realizes just how much the way she handled this situation means to me. Her telling me about him texting her and her not wanting to go without me. I told her how happy I am that she isn't going, because we both know it would be fun (it is in NYC), and she responded by telling me that it wouldn't be fun without me. I contained myself (I also wasn't feeling that well), but my heart was bursting with joy. Her words could not have been more perfect, and it is situations like this that really put my mind at ease.

Abyssquick: It is definitely a difficult topic. This seems to be a common issue with Aspies, but she doesn't have many friends. She has a difficult time finding acceptance, especially in NT women. It is probably easier for Aspie women and NT men to become friends because NT men are less socially apt than NT women. Therefore, what an NT woman sees as socially awkward, an NT man may not even notice it. My experience has shown me that platonic male-female relationships are very rarely successful (as far as remaining completely platonic on both sides), and it has proven to be true even with her. She has had a few male friends stop speaking to her when she became not-single; they confessed their feelings for her, and were even quite rude to her and shut her out. What I need to realize is that not every man is like this, not every man is after one thing. The greater majority? Absolutely. But still not every man. This next part may come across as bragging, and I don't mean for it to, it is just the truth. Without hitting on her traits in regards to our relationship (such as loyalty and honesty), she is an incredibly beautiful, intelligent, intriguing, funny and witty woman. I know that if I were single, I would have a very hard time only having platonic feelings for her. Because the way I view her, I have a very hard time seeing how any man could befriend her, get to know her, and not having feelings for her. And that is something I need to work on.

End Result: Do I still have the fear of her finding someone better than me? A bit, and I need to work on it. Do I still not trust other people? Of course not. But I trust her and I know she isn't going to cheat, and that is all that truly matters.