In need of assistance (NT man, undiagnosed AS woman)

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Hello all,
I've been having a serious issue that needs to be resolved and is seriously cutting into many aspects of my life.

For the past year, I have been engaged in a long-term, long-distance relationship with a girl whose family members have told me has a few symptoms of Asperger's, but is undiagnosed; this includes a tendency to lack empathy, over-scheduling, and the like. Directly telling her that I know this would cause catastrophe from what I know.

Everything was great at first; we had to keep things platonic due to a past individual apparently stalking her, but every once in a while one of us would show a small display of affection (though we have still not kissed; the farthest I ever got was a hug in February, and she won't let me do that anymore, as the last time I asked she stated that she didn't feel comfortable with hugging anyone.) We share very similar interests, and are involved in a few of the same activities, so she's absolutely perfect, but after September of this year, she suddenly stopped messaging me as often (sometimes for weeks at a time) and couldn't answer the phone directly. Our main form of communication up to that point was Steam; though there is a mobile version, she claims that she doesn't like the format. Every time I asked if we could do something together, there was either no reply or she was unable to attend. I recently learned that she's decided to take up two classes, four or five clubs, tutoring, and knitting; as such, she's been driving herself crazy with all of this and I feel extremely depressed and unable to cope. How do I tell her that what she is doing is damaging me without causing her to flip out, and is there anything I can do to make her feel better around me when I can see her?

Any advice other than giving up would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Paperhouse

sounds more like a narcissist psychopath, aspies have feelings i think but just more sensory intensive so we shut down on purpose, well that is how i see it

if she is aspie then she would appreciate the honesty and upfront attitude and if she's just a psychopath you need to figure out her game and i wouldn't recommend that because it's like going down a hole and i've mistaken psychopaths for aspie too so i know its a thin line, but i do think that if you really love that f'd up person you go the distance and take the consequence like gambling because theres a huge chance this person won't change, so walk away asap or give it all and don't cry about losing if you do and at least save enough of yourself to get back up and walk away if you have to later on

the odds are way against you if she's a psychopath and really stacked against you if she's an aspie, so either way you are f'd. If she is a narcissist, run and don't look back imo

There are two cases, I recall, when she shut down, and neither time was I directly there. Both were about how close I was to her.

you witnessed her shut down? how did she change?

i'm just saying that if you don't see changes, you can't be sure that she isn't just a psychopath, if she is aspie you'll see heartrate changes and breath changes and jolting maybe, or she'll rock or do some stimming, whereas psychopaths can't mimic that heartbeat change and this is important to note because there are some psychos that really don't feel any emotions and they can cry and act and they will do it on purpose to cover

I never have witnessed it; I basically went out with her both times, and heard about it afterwards. The second time she almost didn't want to see me a second time during the week, but went anyways; there hasn't been an issue like that since.

I love her enough to go the distance, or to do anything in my power for us to move forward together; so long as it works and it's not crazy, I would follow through with it.

She legitimately cried when some of her rabbits died from pneumonia, as she breeds them; I gave her my condolences.

Also of note is that both of us act differently at times when we are speaking online or on the phone; when we're online, she seems comfortable and less stressed, whereas on the phone she's often jittery.

oh, that sounds like hypersensitive so that's a good sign

be careful with her and don't judge, it sucks to be like this so she is probably self conscious and from my own point of view, aspie girls love so deeply and get hurt more than guys can ever know because at birth males just don't have the same intensity, It's nice to see you care and my advice is to be very patient and not judge because the shame of emotions in western culture especially has programmed us to hate our illogical responses in human relationships so there are so many sensitive layers, like meeting with a wild fox

I suppose I will do so to the best of my ability; after all, it is apparent that it is impossible to achieve the aim without suffering. Other than this, I am unsure what to do in the case of meeting up; most of the time we see one another at art classes, training sessions, or group activities, but there was a single time when we were able to see one another without anyone else giving us instructions. She tries to communicate at times, much like I have in the past; for example, the two of us are with family members right now and she's been extremely busy, so she's asked me to email or text her. I've tried both, and more often than not something falls through.

I still can't figure out what to do in the case of empathy. Several months ago, we were speaking online and we exchanged kissing emoticons, but nothing like that has ever happened in real life and I'm afraid to try without negative consequence.

try face time or skype, i was with my online bf for almost a year and i still spazz when i go on cam so we just wrote and that seemed to work for me at least

being attracted to guys, the chemistry causes me seizures and its really embarrassing, not cute shyness so this is real and once you get passed it which you will after a year or so, it will be worth it

I just managed to reach her again for the first time in a while; she likes to keep herself prioritized, and figured more clubs and activities were helpful, but she still doesn't have a lot of time for me; as such, we really only have email or an occasional phone call as an option.

have nothing useful to offer here except to say you hsould move into a brick house

I hate to suggest this but... maybe she doesn't want to have a lot of time for you? I'm aspie and female and while assertiveness is often my thing, I have no idea whether or not that is the same for this girl. I do know that in a relationship, even when I want to break up with someone, the thought of hurting them is gut-wrenching. In the past I would just avoid people(until I figured out it was better to hurt them than to string them along) so... maybe be direct with her, even if she flips out, you need to start this conversation. It really sounds like she doesn't take a lot of interest in the relationship.

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I honestly don't know what to think; I fear that directly mentioning it would cause issues, but I will mention some of it to her the next time we speak.