I hate being reminded of the stigma against being unemployed

Post Reply New Topic

I find a profile on OKCupid of a girl that I would be interested in contacting, but then I see this disclaimer at the bottom: "Don't message me if you are still living at home and/or don't have a job"

It confounds me how shallow girls (especially of my age range) are when it comes to living/employment status (I've read that the level is as high as 75%). Seeing disclaimers like that does nothing to help my self-esteem. I sort of understand why, but it still really sucks.

It's easy to say "oh, just wait until you get a job before finding someone." However, I'm starting to realize the possibility that I may not find a job (at least in the foreseeable future). I'm in my 30s and I have no paid experience. Even though I volunteer a lot and I'm well educated, there isn't really a lot of opportunities out there for me.

I've been learning to live more independently over the last year or so and I've been getting disability supports since the summer. I try my hardest to remain active and not be a "deadbeat" that stays home all day.

My life is very lonely right now and having a girlfriend would probably help me cope with my unemployed status. Sadly, it seems that the world does not work that way.

Emphasize that part. I mean, just because you don't work for some crappy corporation doesn't mean you're not helping to make the world a better place.

The main reason people put that is because they don't want to end up taking care of someone...they want someone who can support themselves and who won't just mooch off of them (as you said, a deadbeat). But in the times we live in, unemployment is not at all uncommon given the recent recession, and many people will understand that. And sometimes with the right phrasing, you can make your situation sound much more positive, which would perhaps give you a better shot. There really isn't a stigma against people who are unemployed per say, but there is a stigma against people who are not doing anything meaningful with their lives or who have no goals/aspirations (and it sounds like you don't fall into those categories).

For example, instead of simply saying something like "I don't have a job and may not for the foreseeable future", you could try and make it sound more positive and optimistic, such as: "The recent recession really hit my field of work really hard, and I have been having difficulties finding sustained employment since then. However, I have spent much of my spare time both searching for a new career, and striving to make meaningful impacts on my community through volunteering with local charities" This is just an example, of course try and tailor it both to your experiences and your language.

And I know it isn't directly related to your question, but I know from experiences just how frustrating extended unemployment can be, and my best advice is to try and analyze exactly what it is in your life that is preventing you from getting a job, and try and work on those issues. For me it was due to having an education in a very niche field and no work experience, so I laid out a plan to both get education in a similar, but more well-known field, as well as to gain meaningful work experience through internships. And outside help can be infinitely helpful in analyzing the causes of unemployment, as they can provide a perspective that you may not be able to see yourself.

It's not really being shallow. If she's dating someone without a job, she has to pay for everything. She's looking for someone who is her equal, not someone she has to take care of and support. Plus there are a lot of guys out there who take advantage of women to avoid working.

Stargazers advice is good. It may not be that she's 100% against it, she just may want to avoid the deadbeats.

If you get disability payments, you could probably fake it for awhile, if you needed to. Say you're self-employed with a computer business or something, and she won't ask where the money comes from.

Yeah, I know many of us have trouble lying ... so if you're really that well-educated, try to focus on getting a job. It's honestly harder to get a date than it is to get a job. Employers want to know you can do the job and will get along with everyone; women have much higher requirements. I don't see why you'd be focusing on dating right now rather than finding a job first; then, dating will be much easier.

Basically she is rejecting people with disabilities and most people don't want to date someone who is unable to work. They don't want to be a caregiver or a babysitter or a caretaker or even be a parent of someone who is an adult but yet if their partner became disabled after they are together and is unable to work all of a sudden, they stay and not leave them. They stay because they love them even if it means become their caretaker. But with this poor economy, she is also basically rejecting people who are trying to get a job and find work but can't.

But I am sure she means with her message she does not want someone who is lazy or a leech or a freeloader or someone who is dead beat like my ex boyfriend was. There are people out there who do not want to work because they don't like to or they find it boring or because they would rather stay home and be on the computer or because they don't want to do work they don't want to do and there are no jobs out there that are available they want to do.


I also don't understand what is wrong with living at home. Some people live at home until they get into a relationship and move in together and then you can afford to live on your own with them because you are both splitting rent.