Advice?

Post Reply New Topic

Ok folks, please be gentle - Im a bit of a novice when it comes to the Dating Game.

I "met" this nice woman through a dating site about a week ago. Although we havent had a phone conversation yet, we have done a lot of texting and facebooking each other ever since. Additionally, by freaky coincidence, Ive been served by her many months ago at her place of work (she works in cafe) so I know this isnt a scam.

After much dialogue, she asked me out, and now we are going bowling next Saturday.

My dilemma is this:- At what point would you say I should tell her about my aspergers? It has never came into our conversations, although its kinda plagued my mind.

Secondly, Im wondering should it be a case where we go our seperate ways after bowling. Is there a hard and fast rule on first dates? First greeting, should it be a handshake, hug, high five (ok im joking with this one)?

Advice, and not criticism, would be appreciated.

You're thinking way too much into it. Just go out and have a good time and don't attach yourself to any outcome. Dating rules are stupid and trying to follow said rules just make things more frustrating and anxiety-oriented.

my first question would be do you usually "pass" for NT? if yes then you have a lot more choice in when/how you let somebody know. but if you don't then i would like to have that conversation before meeting. there is something to be said for just going out, having fun and hoping she's a great person who will accept you 100% but i guess i don't have that much faith in people. just my opinion. best of luck to you!

I'm a bit of rare breed here. I have kissed some people before we even knew eachothers name. I have also had someone tell me the night we met "I have OCD and Anxiety." It was only then that I decided to ease her mind and tell that person "I was falsely diagnosed with ADD at the age of 11" She then said "You have some form of autism? I would not have guessed it." I did end up seeing that person for a couple of months.
However, to what I can tell you based on experience... Telling someone you have autism/aspergers (especially aspergers I find), on the first date or without any reason to will only scare that person off. Especially if they have no idea what it means and you can't explain it to them. People have a natural fear of what they don't know or don't understand. It's human nature to walk away when you feel scared.

Hi folks,

Just wanted to share my experience with everyone here.

Ive not had an abundance of dating experience, but had a first date yesterday with a nice, local lass.

We went bowling, had a drink, had a laugh, and chatted for a wee spell. Things seemed to be pleasant and we have quite a bit in common.

My question is this...at no point was there any form of physical contact (like a hug, etc) on greeting and parting ways. I was too nervous to make such an approach, and I don't know whether she was disappointed or relieved or not.

Despite that, she text me saying she wanted to meet up again, and a second date has been arranged for next week.

What would people here expect from a second date? If there is no natural contact by end of second date, is it a sign of no chemistry?

Sorry for rant - ive not dated in a LONG time, so please be gentle.

Any advice would be appreciated.

PS: I avoided going into anything like aspergers during the date, although I bumped unexpectantly into a cousin as we entered the bowling alley.

Because dating has never been a prominent feature in my past, I kinda felt "ashamed" and "caught out" when the cousin recognised me. I could barely speak to him, said a quick hello then dashed away ignorantly to avoid getting caught up in long conversations about my "date". I now have irrational thoughts that he may spread the gossip of the date amongst the family, before I even know how I feel about her.

It seems to me like it might be an important thing to bring up. People can misinterpret a lot of things you do if they don't realize that you're different. I don't usually tell people that I'm autistic because I think it's really none of their business and I don't want to be treated any differently, but if I care about what somebody thinks about me (like a date), I usually consider whether and when I should let them know. Basically it should come down to whether or not you think the relationship can function smoothly without the discussion. Some people already know about aspergers and seem to guess, and others are just kind and accept you without understanding.

First ask yourself.. does she really need to know? Just be you.

Don't tell her about your Aspergers until you are in a relationship.

Either she likes you (and it doesn't matter if you had Aspergers because it's obviously not a dealbreaker)
Or she doesn't like you (even if you explained you had AS, it wouldn't help)

The worst thing you can do is subject yourself to a label.

Because you aren't Aspergers.

Aspergers is not a name you have to answer to.

You are you, plain and simple.

Thanks.

The only thing which may take that disclosure out of my hands is the fact that she works as a waitress, and has served the autistic co-ordinator Ive met up many times in the past.

She confessed yesterday that she was going to ask the co-ordinator during serving if she knew me. Thing is, does she find out secondhand, or from me?

The last thing I want to do is give her the impression Im hiding stuff from her.

Yeah, I would definitely refrain from telling her until it's absolutely warranted; I think when people have only shared a date or two, they feel no reason to commit or put any effort into adjusting themselves to better suit the other person (unlike in an actual relationship) therefore, the fact that you have Asperger's Syndrome might scare her off DESPITE the reality that it might not actually be something she's genuinely concerned about and if it'd been a revelation a little further down the road, something she could totally adjust to because you're worth adjusting for. Jumping the gun could skew her perception of you before she's even had a chance to properly develop an opinion on the situation. I also think that you are you, regardless of the diagnosis so if she likes you, then she'd like you + the word Asperger's (just further down the road; people can be rash and unreasonable early on). Anyway, I feel you on not knowing how to initiate physical contact :/ so hard to read people. Glad to hear your first date was successful and if she finds out secondhand (which sounds like it'd require a violation of your privacy O.o), I can't imagine she bring it up in an accusatory manner. Best of luck!

1.) Don't tell her about your AS.

2.) There is no hard and fast rule. If you both have a good time, get a snack or a drink after. If it's kinna dead, part ways.

3.) Don't shake her hand, open yourself up to let her go for a hug.

Just a wee update...

Second "date" is tommorrow - a meal.

In a twist of fate, Ive discovered one of my work colleagues is her next door neighbour!

How I found out? The work colleague walked into my office, began grilling me in front of my team about my "date" at the weekend. I had no choice but to point blank play dumb on his claims, to the gasps of my team. Additionally, I had dodged out of my team's xmas night out in order to go on the "first date".

It wasnt until later on in the day the colleague who lives next door took me aside seperately, to apologise. In private, I confessed to him being right, to stop any further rumours spreading. He insisted that no-one else knew about it.

The coincidence puts a different completion on this "dating" now, as I had hoped it could remain discreet until we both knew if it was leading anywhere.

From an autistic standpoint, I cant stop overthinking about whether I am doing the right thing, or not, and thinking about all the permutations which may spawn from this. Im also paranoid that my work colleague has already spread it to other work members. Im even questioning whether maybe it is just not meant to be, for me to even have companionship.

His knowledge has definately added a weight of pressure to this whole episode, and I was seriously contemplating earlier calling it all off, and not waste her time in the process.