Please Help Me With Advice - I really love him.

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This will take a little explaining. I am very much in love with an AS man I dated all last summer. I didn't realize then that the struggles we were having were most likely related to AS. At the end of the summer a friend of his (female) called after many years absence from his life. They never dated, but were just friends and she wanted to move back to the city where he lived and asked if she could stay with him a month and he agreed. He never even really asked me how I felt about it, which really upset me so much. I didn't want a woman moving into his house with him. We ended up getting into a heated fight. Whenever he and I disagreed about anything he would ask, "Are you breaking up with me?" And usually I would say, "No we are just disagreeing." But this time I was so hurt I said yes and I left his house. Since October when this all happened he and I have stayed in touch, and I think he still loves me a great deal. I have been very clear with him that I want to try again to work things out, but he seems completely unable to forgive/forget. Like having an argument and breaking up was the equivalent of him finding me in bed with his brother or something! No ability to see that his actions devastated me. His reactions to things are SO emotional. I noticed when he got really upset when we would argue that he would have to get up right away and remove himself from the room. I never understood what he was doing. Now that I understand (I have talked to therapist to sort out the AS) I want to know how to regain his trust. It's very hard because his interactions with me are confusing. He says he wants to spend time together but then doesn't respond when I have tried to get together. But then we run in to each other in a coffee shop and he sits down and talks to me for and hour and a half and it seems all the feeling on both sides are still there. But then he starts to suggest we get together before he leaves town for the holidays, but he seems to stop half way to actually MAKE A PLAN and so I just said it had been nice talking to him. Also I sent him a Merry Christmas text and he didn't even reply. I think of him as very afraid of his feelings. I want him to know he can trust me. If nothing else, I want to be his friend. I don't want to lose this exceptionally fine person in my life. Sorry this was so long.

Personally I can usually forgive, but never forget.

basically he doesnt trust you with his emotions anymore but thats not forever. however it seems he has the same "perfect or nothing" view i tend to have.

Build trust and rapport again.

Thank you for your response. I guess, as humans, we all have an inability to actually forget something that's been painful. I feel the same. When you say, "he doesn't trust you with his emotions but that's not forever" does that mean (in your view) that it will just take time? Because he didn't even respond to Merry Christmas text, I feel at a loss of how to be able to spend time with him to rebuild the trust on BOTH sides. I think it can be done. I am a very loyal person and will have a hard time giving up on him because I think he is a very good person. I didn't understand his AS. I wish I had. Also, what is the "perfect or nothing" view. That because we had a falling out, the relationship isn't "perfect?" No relationship is perfect, and with him, it is really a challenge sometimes. He can be very immature and inappropriate which was hard when I was introducing him to friends. He comes across being terribly arrogant and a know it all about everything. I think it is insecurity. I also think it is not the way he wants to be. It must be painful for him which makes me feel protective and sad. Mostly I just want to know how to create opportunities to re-connect and build trust. Like I said, even if it is just as very special friends. When I love someone - really love them - I won't just give up. I feel he did.

I assume there was no sex going on between him and that woman during the time she stayed with him, right?

So is this other woman still staying with him? Or is that all done with? I'll assume that she is not.

I noticed you said that he would often ask if you were breaking up with him when you disagreed. He could have been overfocusing on this because he feared it. That he has been unable to reconnect means it's a big issue for him. I don't know how you can regain his trust. He seems to have categorized you in an unfavourable way.

Obviously I don't know about the internal dynamics of your situation, but from what you've said I think I'd try pulling back from him. Make yourself unavailable. He may realized that he does want you in his life. This could backfire though, and you won't hear from him.

I find that once I have made my mind up about something, I can become inflexible. But given time I can see reason.

Thanks for the posts so far because it really really helps. I agree he was over focusing. March of 2012 he broke up with a woman he had been with for 4.5 years and they had been friends for a long time before that. She underwent heart surgery for a congenital problem and he stuck by her the last two years even though he was really unhappy. Then she broke up with him. Wouldn't even talk to him. He's never seen her since. I met him three months later. I can't help but think, though he was adamant it wasn't true, that what she did haunted him into our summer together. But I don't know her side of it.

I wonder if it is common for people with AS to be sort of inflexible, very focused on things being black/white, right wrong. All or nothing. All of us humans are complicated emotionally, so I don't want to overgeneralize. This man also had a very strong reaction to any suggestion that he wasn't telling the truth. Something happened once, a misunderstanding, and he was extremely upset by my concern about honesty given what happened. Most people would probably have corrected my impression, set me straight, and then let it go seeing how circumstances were unclear. He was almost devastated by it.

Aspergers is the most confusing thing ever... even for an Aspie like me. I don't even understand why I feel a certain way sometimes. Relationships are a little scary even for me, yet why do I want one?
I realize that maybe it's time not to look for meaning in anything and enjoy myself and the people that are around me.
Yes, I am pretty inflexible myself. Once I have it in my mind that it's over between me and someone, it's over. There ain't no turning back and there certainly shouldn't be any reason for the other person to care either. I don't understand any reason why a person I ended things with would care for me either. I even go as far (if given the chance) to truthfully explain that I will probably not make any effort to communicate with that person again. If I sense i was betrayed by anyone, I usually have a hard time with the concept of forgiving and forgetting.

For me, as an Aspie, I have a hard time telling whether people are lying. So if someone said they wanted to break up with me, then said they didn't mean it, I would be very confused as to which of those things was true and how I could know which was true, and that would make it hard to trust the person. NTs have intuition that lets them know whether someone is telling the truth or whether they're trustworthy, but many Aspies lack that or don't have it as strongly. This may not apply in this case, just throwing it out there.

If he's anything like me, leaving him was so painful to him he might not forgive you for it.

It also doesn't sound like you apologized to him for freaking out and throwing away your relationship because you were mad and wanted to "hurt him back" (preferably MORE than he hurt you when he made a decision you didn't like and didn't get your cooperation first.) Well, you did. You hurt him good. Now, instead of apologizing for hurting him in the worst way possible for him, you expect him to just "forget all about it" and carry on like nothing happened. You dismiss his emotions in this matter as "irrational" and an "overreaction".

Is it possible that ending your relationship over a female friend that was NO THREAT was an overreaction? Should you have felt so utterly devastated over your love helping an old friend? (Not the best idea or execution, but not as big as you're making it out to be.) Or that he really can't handle angry outbursts, yet you have them often? So when he leaves the room to escape your anger, it only makes you madder still?

Maybe you could learn to communicate more effectively than screaming or smouldering with rage? You might need to also step up and make up for your mistake of ending the relationship just because you were mad.

I'm guessing at a few things here because I don't know you from adam... but am I totally off base?

I hope you didn't drive him straight into the arms of that other woman... I hope you guys can work things out, but I can guarantee a different approach is needed! Good luck!

I think you should stop being emotional and subtle if you want him back. Emotional and subtle doesn't work.

Be rational, logical, and direct.

Send him an email or text message like this:

Hello (name),

I was thinking about us today. I'm sorry for saying I was breaking up with you. I was lying because I felt hurt. I was jealous that a pretty woman was going to be living with you. I regret it and won't do it again.

I think we should be together because of (reason 1), (reason 2), and (reason 3).

I hope to hear from you soon.

Love,

(name)

Thanks again everyone who contributed. Bluemax I have to consider your words. You make some good points. Stevens, I did have two conversations where I told him that I wanted to work it out. He didn't want to. Not sure it would do any good at this point and would make him feel pressured to try again. Don't want to do that. Who knows if I will hear from his since he didn't respond to my Merry Christmas text. That surprised me. But if i do, that will be my chance to build better rapport and maybe over time things would come around. I just have no way of knowing.