Should I Ask the Ultimatum?

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If you've been glancing past my topics on here, I've been speaking with a woman on/off for a whole year, who had recently shown more interest in me. Only problem is that she is a workaholic and is constantly either filling her schedule with work hours or filling up times that she is supposed to have off with other things work-related. We've only hung out a handful of times, and those were when I was back home on college break. Trying to set a date to hangout with this woman is like trying to win the effing lottery. I'm at the point where I want to ask her the final question: are we together in a serious relationship or are we "just friends?" I can't tell when she works, when she has days off or if she just needs time away from talking to me. She complains that she doesn't really have a ton of friends because she's worked all the time.

I don't know what to do, and it's driving me crazy.

I would before making any decisons ask if she considers you just friends, or does in fact want more before giving any kind of ultimatum. Simply coming out with an ultimatum usually backfires in the worst way possible.

want to make another point: I've known this woman for a while, since about junior/senior year in high school. I'm in my second year of college.

I'd just ask casually. Ultimatum is such a strong word.

P.S. Nice avatar.

asking casually would be a simplistic task, if I could actually get a reply once or twice from text messages or actually talk to her on the phone.

I'm not one of those desperate creeps who smothers a woman with texts or phone calls, I know that personal space is a must.

If you give a "My way or the highway" ultimatum, you had better be fully prepared for her to take the highway and leave you behind forever.

I want to ask her:

1. Are we together? (She's never told me a straight answer.)
2. Are you going to start setting aside time for us to at least hangout once in a while? (See original post)

I've had this before and unfortunately it was simply a case of her trying to softly let me know that she wasn't interested, even though I thought she was. Assuming she is NT if she was interested she would probably try harder to find time to see you.

The best test is to wait and see if she tries to make an effort to see you, however hard this may seem. In my opinion this is better than the "ultimatum" - I have tried this in the past and it does more harm then good.

Welp, looks like everything came into place, and it turns out she still doesn't want a relationship.

I've tried to convince her otherwise, she has feelings for me, but I'm tired of going through the same cycle of trying to convince a woman that won't budge, even though she sends me messages saying "I love you" with those fancy hearts.

There was a moment in that late night conversation I had where I finally admitted defeat, and even though I'm 19 (20 in a few weeks), I think it's time for an early retirement.

I'm much in the situation you find yourself. The last date I was on with was with a pianist who was just so classy, intelligent and really soulful and beautiful. We went out one more time after a concert she held. I try to reach out to her, but she is always either busy with a gig, or she never responds at all. It gets really frustrating, because we've only ever done things based on her terms, according to her schedule, and I'm always the one setting things up, she never reaches out to me.

I sent her a form of ultimatum, saying how I liked her and wanted to get to know her, and I said I understood how busy she was, but I countered that I'm also very busy with my work, yet I make a good faith effort to make time for her, and she needs to meet me halfway.

She responded positively to my message, and it seemed like things might change...and yet she's fallen right back into either not being available, or not responded to my messages at all.

So now, I plan to break off all contact and unfriend her from facebook. If she cares at all, she'll reach out to me. And if she does, I'll reach back. But if not, it's no loss, because i'll have moved on already.

I wish you all the best and good luck finding what you seek.

BR

I don't think this is a good idea. Breaking off all contact sends the wrong message and shouldn't be used as a test. You just need to wait it out. If she reaches out she'll reach out.

I wouldn't go as far as unfriending her on Facebook, but I would cut contact for a bit. If she contacts you, then contact back.

Unfriending just seems like you're throwing a temper tantrum.

Not to hijack the thread, but the way I see it, people ought to be held accountable for the way they treat people. I would never be so disrespectful as to not even respond to an invite. That is the high of rudeness. I take an invite as a real compliment. It makes my day, my week when someone thinks of me, and I feel terrible whenever I have a conflict.

Anyways, I'm giving her ONE MORE CHANCE. I invited her to join me for an open air arts festival this Friday. If she doesn't reply, I'm through with her, cutting her out of my life completely, and she can just go on being alone.

Im already past giving her one more shot.

I'm at the point where I'm heavily considering (yet again) to stop trying. She sent me a couple of messages just to see how my day went, but other than that, I'm done trying.

This makes the second bad relationship that has gone down the drain for me, and this second one wasn't even considered to be a relationship in her mind.

I'll feel like if I fail a third time, that there's no hope for me to get back up on my horse and try to ride the saddle again toward finding another woman.

Sounds pretty iffy. My guess is that if you try to define in terms of more commitment it will result in the negative. However you both have your needs so if it does drive you crazy its not wrong to bring it up. Some sort of middle ground is the goal & both have to show they care enough to get there. Just be prepared for her to not want more defining/commitment. And then you know and can get on with your life.