fear of success in relationships?

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I had a remembrance of some of my biggest issues come back full circle, not by having to live them again but by vicarious situations that lead me straight back to clarity.

I don't know if its just a symbol of societal abuse, and of course having things done to you over, and over, and over can seem to cut and cauterize certain pathways of ones own humanity. However, after the pure avalanche of damage was done to me between 14 and 24 or 25, at least in relationship to women, that's when my ability to date all of a sudden saw the end of the tunnel. The problem was, by the time I got there I was finding that the people I could date, while seeming enough like nerds or imperfect enough to where I felt like they weren't out of my league, the more intimate things got, the more of their undivided attention I had, they're emotional authenticity would open up full spread in front of me. At those times my ingrained need (or perception of a need) to offer equally what so ever they gave me left me feeling like utter rubbish.

What I mean by that last part; treating someone the way you want to treat them, if you love them, takes a direct-drive of motivation, instinct, etc. that needs to be inspired - its not something you can force down upon yourself. When you find yourself with a person who's not only able to but gives you 10x more than what you can give back, you just feel awful. It stops feeling like a relationship of equals and starts feeling like a much more vertical situation, one where you're stuck feeling parasitic whether you want to be or not.

I tend to keep women at arms distance because of that - ie. that awareness that when I'm in her arms and she's absolutely beaming, almost holding me in a maternal manner, communicating that she'd be willing to do almost anything for me, I find that I'm still in that white-knuckled defensive grip that I've had all my life, feeling like I couldn't pry the rust off for all the power I had in me, it doesn't seem to let go no matter what. When that happens my own worst fears become alive in an incredibly palpable way, ie. I almost turn into a child in her arms - she may not see it, she may even respond to it positively, I end up feeling much the worse - ie. that she needs a man, deserves a man, and in her arms has absolutely anything BUT a man. Seems like there's no worse feeling that I can think of than being edified - strongly - and not being able to edify back.

This is where I suppose I have to ask the girls here - am I being fair to myself? I don't ask that for a knee-jerk social response but I mean it like this. I know that men and women are cultured different. Edifying other people is a skill that takes practice, just like a sport, just like playing a musical instrument. I know guys are put through the battery in certain ways while women are cultured and put through the battery in others. Is what I'm seeing more a cultural difference, more abuse survival? Also, if you were lets say in the place of the girl who had her arms around me, was beaming something almost unconditional at me, what would you tell me if you caught that kind of dynamic? Is it something that you'd expect a guy to be able to give back or is it more of a "You're a guy and I know you won't be able to keep up so just surrender and enjoy it"?

This has been one of my nastiest psychological battles in the relationship arena and its the one that generally keeps me in and not going out to meet people; not a fear of failure or rejection but rather a fear of success.

I found that I might be the same way. Another term for it might be "self-fulfilling prophecy"
Yesterday, my roommate's girlfriend confirmed to me after the last dating experience I had "You are going to have a hard time dating women if you keep this up. A girl who says to you that they don't feel genuinely connected to you doesn't mean she wants to end it. She is having problems with either opening up to you, or can't stand that you are keeping your guard up and won't let her in. She wants to give you a chance, but you are not letting her. You are going to have a very difficult time dating if you keep this up.." She further said to me if my shrink told me to let this all go, then I had no choice but to let it go. It also appears that I would rather be guarded than actually confront my feelings for people. This much was made clear.

A man who cannot express his feelings is too afraid of both: rejection and success. It's that simple. Would you say that is something that might apply to you OP?

I wish it was that clear. Its more a feeling like I had the part of me needed for that moment fried out by life, almost like negative experiences ashed the cherry of a cigarette on my brain in just the right spot.

From that perspective I can't tell if its my grip causing that sensation, whether its the result of another counterproductive forces (ie. as a guy, what won't edify you may just as easily act preemptively as if you'd stalk them or take them by duress or flirt and then say "Nevermind, you weren't who I thought you were" [the last of which I had on broken record to the point of trauma. ie. monthly for several years] - hence a considerable amount of apprehension builds on our part in protective reaction to such judgements), or whether its what other people might have seen in me from the get go - ie. disability and the potential that I'm 'not all there' or that what's needed to participate amicably in a relationship is something literally up and missing from my brain. I can't tell.

The only way I'd know is if I met a girl who either made me feel safe, made me melt in her arms, and we'd see what happened when that process completed properly. Sad to say while I have met a handful of girls I'd feel that safe with, we always got c/v blocked by other things - ie. such as meeting through friends who never invited either her or myself out again, rude friends that crashed the party or caused some kind of group enmity, etc. etc.

I suppose circumstances in my life just haven't been sane enough for me to collect such data on myself. If there were someone who was determined to sort of melt and reform me, someone who I'd feel safe with, I'd love to take another try at it - just that I have no idea when I'll see that again or, in the late 20's to 30's dating range, how many I can find who haven't gone cynical.

Aspiemike gave you an excellent description what it will be like if you hold on to your fears.
As a NT girl, who had a massive crush on Aspie, I can tell its no good when you keep thinking of what you are afraid instead of just talking about that to the woman you care about - if you see she cares about you, please, make that effort for both of you. Or else there will definitely be 2 brokenhearted people, who might have had a successful relationship.
I used to feel physically that my Aspie would not let me in. I would ask him certain things, but he was very vague with answers, so it got me thinking he is not being genuine with me. I did not know he is an Aspie then.
Of course, everything led to me asking him if he wants me as a gf, he started ignoring me right away and ignores me ever since - no effort of mine to contact him succeeded. And I still get really sad thinking something could be done in order to have a good relationship with that man (we had the right chemistry and shared the same attitude towards many aspects of life, I actually thought that after a bunch of inconsiderate guys I've finally met someone that I can deeply relate to).
I hope those women at least know you are an Aspie, because knowing that makes a huge different in their perception of your behaviour - they might even help you in battling your fears. And saying nothing you just don't give each other a chance.

Well, the good and bad news:

I'm already 33, on one hand that's a plus because the game itself has matured toward this point. I'm also not in such a situation right now, rather I see my social directions changing - ie. I haven't been actively dating for the past few years and may end up meeting people soon enough to where life may perhaps catch up. OTOH historically, a lot of times when I had broken it off it had to do with me both having a high opinion of my partner but at the same time not being attracted, probably all the more reason why I rushed to end it and try to move it toward a legitimate friendship.

I haven't yet quite found the direct situation of being both attracted and literally ending up running, just that when I consider my own historical behavior in aggregate I do realizing that I'll be facing some of my most personal fears, fears which I really don't have the opportunity to encounter unless I'm literally there in that position, and I want to be ready with the right emotional reaction to the situation. I could say perhaps that I sort of instinctively know that when someone's inner culture, emotional history and sense of identity, etc. wells up full force before my eyes that I will need to remember that they'll likely see similar things of me that I'm not aware of. I'd like to think that I'll have the tools appropriate to do as you're suggesting; ie. work through it and not try to compare myself to friend's boyfriends. There's a bit of a battle with most people on literal communication - I try to be savvy with that, my mirroring skills tend to be pretty good and I'd try to communicate as much as I can verbally and keep my words to where they can be taken and believed in literal context as such.

Another piece to the puzzle that I'd be remiss to leave out. From a young age I've dealt with intrusive thoughts, I don't know if that came from social trauma or just generally low serotonin, and this seemed to be at bay when I'd be left alone or treated somewhat unfairly but would act up if edified by people beyond, say, my parents. Its gotten considerably better however its still kind of there and it can throw me wall-to-wall as my brain sort of gets stuck in strange feedback loops and as that tries to grab up my focus. I'm hoping that as an adult I'm finding enough acumen to sort of take the issue apart and understand that at a deeper level - trying to react either by crushing it down or trying to apply reverse-psychology to it just doesn't work, its a bit like I'd need to reach down, pull out some kind of core cause (like a misplaced fundamental understanding) to get the kinks/bugs out of my own system.

this person knew. I got upset over being hidden on her facebook. There were instants of bad thoughts entering my head based on previous experience with other people. The simplest of these bad thoughts were online behaviour, while other thoughts included one nasty way I broke it off with someone in the past (There was fear I would repeat this behaviour). There had been a couple cheaters along the way as well. There were also instants where when I was in her apt I would see evidence that she might be seeing someone else. What really brought the end of it all was asking straight up "Are you seeing someone else?" and having to explain why I asked it. I could assure you she was no longer happy having to hear from me after that. It turns out, she wasn't seeing anyone else.
However, just like most women you meet, she will not help a person battle their fears because it's too much wasted time and effort to help us with what comes naturally for another man. Some have told me this too and they would rather be happy with the other person than waste time on someone who "couldn't feel" So it's quite obvious that properly expressing your emotions is key to keeping someone around since it shows that you care how she feels rather than showing you "can't feel"

Aspiemike, you said you got upset over being hidden on her facebook. It will be offtopic a bit, but I just can't miss the opportunity to ask - what would you think if she would unfriend you on facebook for a serious reason? Like because you are ignoring her for several months, as in my case? Would you feel relieved or smth? I know you are not that person, but maybe there is some specialty in how Aspies see that?

I wonder if a girl knew your bad experience with other girls? Of course its my personal oppinion but if I knew someone had some bad experience with cheaters in the past, I'd definitely take that into consideration and wouldn't be offended or something when being asked if I'm seeing someone else - its natural that people (be it Aspie or not) might be a bit insecure in certain areas at times. Of course, I dont know how exactly did you ask that-in angry tone or in assertive manner. And what kind of evidence was that?

I also agree that some people might see dating an Aspie as a "too much work" thing, cause you definitely have to put quite a lot of effort to see things from different perspective. Jeeeezzz, I wish I were like that. He ignores me and I'm still ruminating about that instead of saying "he was too much hard work" (though I sincerely thought I'll manage to let go sooner).