NT/AS How to approach my boyfriend/exboyfriend

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I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 5 months, we have managed to have a long distance relationship and I have been pretty much involved in his life since then, taking me to family events, traveling together, experiencing new things etc.

We have had a stormy relationship since the beginning.. But I would blame it on the "cultural differences". During one of our first big fights, he said something about having "some autism".. "But that happened when I was little and I don't have it anymore" I didn't paid much attention about it, Im an educated woman who has a degree and speak 3 languages and has traveled the world, yet still, I was very IGNORANT about autism or AS

During the 1 year and 5 months we had constant fightings, mostly because he would make me feel rejected and he would complain about good things, for example... "I have done your laundry" his response back would contain one million questions and complains about it... And the same goes on with cooking dinner, choosing a restaurant or movie on days out, etc...

He broke up with me 2 weeks ago after he came back from a trip with where he made some new "friends" and said he doesnt has as much fun as he does with other people hence the fact he is not happy and decided to break up.

After such event... I don't have idea WHY? but I started to look into autism and came to realise he has the Aspergers Syndrome and I was very shocked while I was reading about the condition and I would be like... "Ok.... all of it fits perfectly on his personality" Now I understand why we used to have way too many fights and now I understand why he would flip out when I touch his face, arms and why he is ashamed of holding my hand in public and doesnt likes crowded places.

He doesn't accept his condition, he goes on as if he is NT (just learnt the term) so this doesnt help much!

I will accept his decision of breaking up... But I would like him to know and understand that I'm willing to be with him doesnt matter what... I love him and he means the world to me... I'd like if he gives me the chance to try once more we can be happy together... I do mind sometimes his affective less behaviour (after all, Im a girl who needs on the nice hug or compliment every now and then) But Im getting used to it and understanding he is not the "affective kind"....

But what bothers me the most is his complaining about small things and I would think he was being spoiled or mean... Aka... When he complains about my cleaning skills or the way I do stuff... So even tho, we had problems and meltdowns because I couldnt understand where he was coming from, now that I know he has AS I can get to be more understanding and dont take things too personally (like I used to do)

Im fairly new to this, he broke up with me like 2 weeks ago and I've been learning about AS for around 5 days now.

I, in any way mean to offend anyone here...

I would like some advice on how to approach someone with AS that doesnt fully recognise his condition and how to make that person comfortable while talking about it and explain that now that I know his condition I would not take things too personally...

Dont know if Im making any sense here, all has come too fast, hope I made my point across.

Any help/advice will be greatly appreciated xx

BTW, Im NT and my boyfriend was diagnosed with AS at the age of 14-15.

Bottom line is he has to find a way to be more sensitive to you and be less critical. This is a deciding factor for many leaving a person who has AS. This tends to drain the NT to the point that they can't take it anymore. I would believe if you did give this another chance, this would end up being the deciding factor for you.
I would sense that his fighting came because he was a guarded individual? Was he expecting you to treat him badly? I don't know if he is used to people respecting him and maybe he hasn't learned how to fight for respect. It might have come as a shock that someone actually had feelings for him.
You can do what you can to help him out, but he still has to meet you halfway. But the horrible truth to learn here is that there might not be any reconnecting. His mind is probably made up.

It scares me so much he has already made up his mind...

What is a "guarded individual"? Whenever I treat him badly in a response back to his behaviour things would go out of hand, but the next second he would apologise... Dont have idea how severe his AS is... But I can see why he broke up with me... All the constant fights and he saying "nothing is never good enough for you"

But... how was I supposed to know he has AS? He said he had some "sort of autism" when he was little and he never went into details or even mention the word "Aspergers" in the whole relationship and as ignorant as I was about the condition I thought that "some sort of autism" could had.. indeed, been cured when he was little! :/

I feel like it's been all so unfair... If only I knew AS doesnt has a cure and if only I knew how an aspie behaves, I would had seek for help/ learn/ read so I could be able to understand him and don't take it too personally and complain about "Why you never hold my hand?"

Now I feel like a jerk for pushing him to try new food, try new places to hang out, try new activities.. In some of them I succeeded and he was happy, in some others I failed and was tagged as being "pushy" instead of "she is trying to have fun together"

I went thru a bad breakup a few years ago with a NT and it left me pretty much messed up, so the only thing I asked my boyfriend was "Please never break up with me when we are far away" and he did... Altho he will be flying over to spend some time together and officially break up... Face to face... This will be interesting...

He says I mean the world to him and he loves me so much and would like to keep in contact with me and I will always be welcome to stay with him when I visit the city... He also says he is still as attracted to me as he has always been...
Don't know if it's a mechanism to protect himself or something OR if he really mean it... If you ask me.. I would take it as he mean it.

He will come and stay here for one week, but by the end of the week he will break up... What Im trying to do here is how can I make him understand that I have learnt about AS and all our fights have been based on a non-existen understanding from my part because I was unaware of his condition?

Now all the things he has done for me in the past has taken way more sense then before, because now I understand it took him way too much effort to do so.

How to talk about this with him... If he dosnt fully recognises his condition? Chances are he will think Im crazy or so!?

A guarded individual is someone who doesn't want to open up to you due to some fear that you won't accept him for who he is, or fear that you won't respect him. There may be some insecurity he doesn't like to talk about. He is likely ready to defend himself if he feels you are attacking him. Based on what you tell me with the second post of yours, he may have been a very guarded person

The hand holding thing in public might be a problem with figuring out whether you will accept him doing so or not. He may not feel comfortable in that regard either. That one is a crapshoot.

I don't see why you have any reason to feel bad. I think that the two of you had problems in communicating and he probably did owe you an explanation of some kind to how he behaves. You did your part in trying to understand who he is. Sit back and see if he does his part now.

Listen to @aspiemike. I came here to talk to someone about my own breakup that just happened, and found your thread. I know that you're going through some difficult things, but what he said is true: You need to be met halfway to make this work. I am the NT in the relationship, and even though I took measures to change, I am still getting a lot of blame from my ex-bf. I know his perception of things is just as important and legitimate as mine, but unfortunately, our understanding of each other was not compatible.

Our situations are so similar that my ex-bf literally said the same thing, "Nothing is ever good enough for you." I feel for you, but just know this: There is some truth in what he is saying, so listen to him. Some things will not be good enough for you. Wanting to go to new places, try new things, etc. are part of who you are. In an ideal situation, you would adapt by going and doing those new things by yourself, but the wanting would still be a part of you.

You are in a very fortunate place right now. He still loves you and desires a friendly, if not romantic, relationship with you. You have the opportunity to break up amicably. That's great news. You can tell him your side of the story and offer up solutions, but if he wants to be let go, then that's all you have left to give him-- your understanding.

Message me if you want to talk, and I hope things will get easier for you.

I was in a long distance relationship for over five years and many of the problems you described here sound familiar. I feel that if I had my diagnosis at the time we would have been better able to handle each other but also probably would have broken up sooner. My AS was an issue sometimes but I feel that she was equally to blame for her behavior and I put up with a lot of stuff that no NT guy would have.

There's not a whole heck of a lot you can do unless he's willing to accept his issue.

I realized my issue after reading the wikipedia page on Aspergers Syndrome and noticing it sounded like my biography. Maybe you can have him sit down and read it?