Does my wife still love me?

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I ask because on Mother's day I got her a car and flowers, on Father's day I got a card. For Christmas I got her a replacement for the wedding band she lost at her request, I got nothing. My birthday not long after Christmas, all I got was a cake I didn't like (it wasn't anything I would have chosen, or that anyone who knows me would have picked for me) and a Christmas ornament from her parents. I got nothing from her. On Valentine's day I sent her flowers, I got her a nice new cellphone that she asked for and I took her out to her favorite restaurant. I got a card.

Now I am not a materialistic person, but wasn't I worth something? Is she trying to send me a message? Am I so dense that I don't get it? She claims she still loves me.

I feel like an idiot and I can't figure out what is going on, I can't assess anything and make sense of it.

is this different than usual? If so, have you noticed anything else different?

What kind of car? Does she make as much money as you do? Women usually receive the gifts traditionally. Maybe she still views relationships in the old school "chivalrous" sweep the woman off of her feet way of doing relationships.

I think you should talk to her about how you feel.

I think he meant card, Alex.


Aubre,


Something is up. That is not normal. Nothing for any of those? Ok. I'm the unemotional one in the relationship (also the female) and no way would that happen. (Although even I admit I forget our anniversary and Valentines religiously. What is that???) But, I still get him something, he's just used to it being late. But, never on Christmas or his birthday. No way. That is not normal for any NT woman I know and I've known thousands of them.

You need to sit her down and talk about this. Does she have trouble thinking you aren't affectionate? This could be passive/aggressive behavior. Theoretically that would go, she's mad at you for not being affectionate enough (kisses, hugs, hand holding, whatever) so she withholds gifts so you know how she feels. Of course, that's an exercise in futility with an Aspie since you'll never figure it out. But, something very passive/aggressive is happening here and you need to get it out in the open.

Try this. Tell her, I am not angry with you, I just strongly feel that you are trying to tell me something with these actions. I think that you are angry, upset or hurt over something. I don't know what it is. Maybe I should know, but I don't. Now, I am frustrated, upset and hurt because I don't know what is going on. If I've caused you pain I want to know. I am not going to figure it out on my own, so just tell me.

The affection is a good possibility if this is an issue for you. I get in trouble over that myself. Grrr. Know how it feels to suddenly be confronted with angry, upset and hurt spouse. Not good! But, it's always best to catch these things early and work on them. It will not go away on its own.

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Last edited by letsstartourowncountry on 22 Feb 2007, 7:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

There is no real way any of us can say for sure.

Why not ask her what's up?

Also, perhaps get a copy of "The Five Love Languages". Some people just do not consider gifts important. If she is a bit selfish she may not even consider that it's unfair for her to keep getting gifts and not give any back. Or she may not care much about gifts either way yet be willing to accept such nice ones as you have been giving to her.

If anything she may be selfish and/or not have the integrity to refuse expensive gifts when she isn't giving anything to you. But it's also possible she's just a bit dense about such things and has no idea she's being a jerk about this!

Ask her to read that book too, if you buy a copy. And ask her what her love language is. Use it to open a conversation about how much you love getting gifts from her. See what she says.

It's possible she's narcissistic and/or selfish but yet thinks she 'loves' you. "Love" can mean different things to different people. But you won't really know unless you either ask her, or ask a marriage counselor with you both sitting there to hear the answer. Good luck.

For a long while, I chose to have faith in my spouse - even though the evidence spoke of problems. After all, that's what faith is, isn't it? It's believing in someone, in the essential character of their nature, even if it doesn't seem to be backed up by facts. That's how good friends relate to each other, and that is especially how mates should relate to each other.

Of course, I was wrong - there were/are problems. So I would advise you to talk with her and get it out in the open. You may be accused of being too sensitive, but it's better to have open, honest communication. Ask questions and wait for answers. If you get questions in response, i.e. "Why do you think that?", let her know you'll be happy to answer her question after she answers yours.

My relationship problems are long and deep because I ignored my instincts and the plain facts of how I was being treated and chose to believe in a non-existent ideal. My God help you avoid the same mistakes and see you to the safe harbor of mutual love.

She sounds an awful lot like me and I love my wife very much. I don't hold the same values to moments in time that are supposed to be very important. Holidays especialy. I tend to forget time. If I wasn't reminded I probably would forget my own birthday and am embarressed if anyone makes a fuse about it. Those aren't good excuses, I should be more aware of what makes others happy. Maybe I'll get better at it.

You my friend sound like a very nice guy. Keep it up.