Should I break up with him?

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I'm 20 and I'm currently in my first ever relationship. I'm pretty sure I have Aspergers, though it would probably be a milder form. I am extremely insecure about talking to most people, and I am not exactly trusting (among other issues). My boyfriend is definitely not on the spectrum. When our relationship began, I told him I think I have Aspergers, and I explained that it was autism, though I didn't go in-depth. I also warned him that he would be my first boyfriend, and that I could potentially be clingy. Obviously, it didn't bother him at the time, as he said it was all okay with him. Anyway, I'm considering ending our relationship. Here's why:

Firstly, he thinks I'm too clingy. Because I like to hold on to his arm when we're in public. (When we first started dating, he told me he liked it.) Though, as I write this, I suddenly understand what he's talking about because I do it all the time, every time, and most socially normal people would consider that weird. But that's not the biggest problem.

Secondly, when we were discussing the clingyness and what he says is a feeling of "discomfort" about our relationship, he took a long pause from our conversation (we were texting). When he finally responded (an hour+ later), he said he had been playing some video game. To me, it seems as if he thinks our relationship is not important enough to put down the controller when having a serious discussion. Still not the biggest problem.

Thirdly, (and the biggest problem) I'm still a virgin, and I'm not ready to have sex yet. It's not a wait-til-marriage thing, it's more of a comfort level thing. But every time we do anything sexual (which he always initiates, by the way), he keeps trying to persuade me to go all the way. Now, I've told him twice now that I'm not ready. To both of which he said something along the lines of "It's okay, I understand." And I tell him no every time he tries to persuade me, though I admit to not always doing it immediately after he asks. But even after I tell him no, he keeps attempting to persuade me, which just annoys me. The most recent time was the worst: he pulled out the "if you love me..." card, which is not cool on any level.

So...do you think it's my trouble communicating, or is he not worth the trouble?

UPDATE: I broke up with him. He felt the same way. We have no hard feelings. Thanks everyone for all the advice.

Last edited by Draka on 10 Feb 2013, 9:06 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I assume he is not a virgin and 'experienced' when it comes to sex

I see mixed reaction from clingy to OP not ready for sex on both ends!

@Draka - How old is your bf?

You are correct. He has had sex with previous girlfriends. He is 21. And as he is my first boyfriend, I have no idea what I'm doing, though I get what you're saying about mixed signals. But I don't get how wanting some sort of physical contact automatically applies to every sort of physical contact, or is that just a guy thing?

Last edited by Draka on 09 Feb 2013, 6:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

When I'm on OkCupid, I see a lot of single girls my age already with babies, because the fathers are a**holes and not willing to take care of their children.

I may be wrong, but if you had sex with him, got pregnant, he could brake up with you like that. I see that as a typical guy who just bangs chicks

If you want to talk to me more in detail, send me a private message

Have you already told him what you want in a relationship?

- Welcome to WP

MFS seems to be correct.

Although I honestly can't tell if you're an Aspie or not from your writing style alone XD.

Don't EVER let anyone pressure you into sex. That is YOUR decision. This dude seems like a real piece of work... I wouldn't put up with that crap. I hope it works out for you, but I don't believe he will stop doing it until you guys do have sex. If I were you, I would break up with the guy. Again, whatever choice you make is ultimately up to you. If he keeps saying that again and again, you're going to grow tired of it.

If he doesn't respect your limits or boundaries, he doesn't respect you and if he doesn't respect you, it doesn't say much in the terms of loving you. It's your choice what you do, nobody can tell you to break it off but you have to ask yourself if he is listening to you or not.

If he loved you, he wouldn't be trying to emotionally blackmail you into something you have already made clear you aren't yet ready for.

Looks like he's taking "clingy" too literally; physically clingy rather than emotionally. I used to hold my first BF's arm all the time (granted it was because I was secretly too OCD to hold his hand) and he never saw any bother with it. Actually he still thought I never showed him enough affection . This is not clingy on any level. Your BF doesn't know the meaning of the word clingy. Definitely do not feel bad about yourself for being something you in fact aren't.

I was in a similar situation, I was much younger, but he persuaded me anyways and I gave in. A few days after I did he dumped me. I was clingy when we were together and he never said anything about it, but he was just trying to get me to have sex with him. I wished I had waited, not because I wasn't ready, but because he was not the right one. If you aren't ready, then don't do it! Don't do anything you will regret later. I still regret it to this day.

Okay, pulling the "if you love me" card, in ANY situation, is a deal breaker. BREAK UP WITH HIM! He deserves it. And you do NOT need to stay in a relationship like that just because it's your first. The relationship was a good learning experience for you, but it's time to move on before things get any worse. You'll find other, better opportunities that don't include selfish, manipulative a**holes.

Sounds like the no-sex aspect is a deal breaker for him.

As far as the "not important enough to put down the controller" thing - I think you're taking it too personally. It was over texts, it's not as if you were talking to him face to face, so it seems entirely reasonable to me that he'd do something else while waiting for your replies instead of just sitting there being stressed out, and he could have just gotten distracted.

Also, I'm not sure people should judge him so harshly for the "if you love me" thing. Sure, it's a scummy tactic, but it sounds like it could be stemming from different ideas about how important sex is to a relationship, or something like that. Do you think you might have done anything to indicate to him that you're not ready for it because you don't trust him, or don't think the relationship is that strong yet, or whatever? I can see how if you explained it the wrong way, he might be honestly concerned about whether it is a matter of whether you love him or not.

The story of my first relationship is that my older and experienced boyfriend wanted to sleep with me right from day 1, I needed to wait to feel ready, but his tactic was to go on and on and on about sex to the point where I slept with him sooner than I wanted just to shut him up.

Then that set the tone for the entire relationship. Any time I said no, he'd beg, plead, cajole, and mither on about the subject for weeks on end until I eventually gave in.

Be careful. Don't get sucked into this sort of low-level bullying.

NO, no, no, no, no, no, NO! Sorry, but no. This is classic manipulation. It's great to give people the benefit of the doubt, but when someone says THIS, you need to get away! I've been in a terrible, manipulative, abusive relationship before, and putting up with stuff like this is what made me vulnerable to WORSE stuff. People have GOT to understand that "no" means NO and stop pushing as soon as that first refusal comes out! "If you loved me" is abusive and manipulative, and you need to get your ass out of that relationship before it's too late. He'll keep pushing harder and harder--I know what it's like! Someone like that doesn't deserve a relationship.

Agreed. Completely.