I'm crying right now... Need some advice.

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This is probably going to be a LONG post. It includes some chat logs. I had an upsetting conversation with my fiancee just now, and I would really like some advice and opinions. I'm very upset. I've been crying, and I don't think I'll be able to go to sleep unless I get this out.

First message, from him:

Oh boy. Can you say "doomed?"
One can't force themselves to like something if they simply don't. It's like me forcing myself to appreciate "pickles & peanut butter sandwiches", Hunger Games or sleeping on a bed of nails. Not gonna happen.
He doesn't understand "us." More importantly, he doesn't understand you. He wants you to be somebody you're not. What, go through the motions just to fool him? How long can that last?
He's got issues of his own, too. His weight, for instance. Unless he's a linebacker he needs to drop a few. Just picturing the two of you in bed makes me cringe. My goodness! He can roll over you at night and suffocate you! The picture you paint of your relationship is a bleak one. There were no happy events you shared. I couldn't, therefore, see this marriage going on. This might be one of those instances where you might have to "stick with your own kind", you know, another aspie who doesn't consider sex important. By the way, he's wrong. There are LOTS of folks who abhor sex. I've only had it once and I'm 50!

It's clear the root issue here is sex. He wants it, you don't and he's not willing to go through the effort of losing weight and making himself more fit and physically attractive to you. Tell him that it's not easy for a seal to have sex with a walrus.

He is completely out of line here. He's essentially asking you to be a different person for the sake of compatibility. I suggest sitting down with him and clearly illustrating the monumental effect (I'm guessing, based on the behaviors he outlined) AS has on you. His behavior after that is up to him.

Sex, imo, is a deal breaker.

I would definitely give marriage a second thought.

But aside from sex it appears there are other issues too.

You state "emotions suck". What do you mean?

Could it be you view him more as a friend than a lover? If that is the case, you will be getting married for all the wrong reasons.

I am sorry. It can't be easy.

Sending you a hug.

*sigh* That's what I was afraid of. I do care deeply for him and I have really tried. I feel like I've accepted him and his issues. He has always been overweight, and I don't expect him with rock hard abs or anything like that. But he needs to lose the weight or else it is very likely that he will not live long enough to retire.

Honestly, that is the only thing about him that I have ever confronted him about and asked him to change. Like I said, it was a disaster. But he is always wanting me to change and be someone I'm not.

He is very sweet and affectionate, sometimes a little too much so and it makes me uncomfortable. But I do really love him. I don't understand him a lot and I get frustrated sometimes, but I feel like I have mostly accepted him the way he is, flaws and all. I don't want to change his personality. Seems like he wants me to change mine. I have made an effort to be more affectionate, and he is always very appreciative of it when I do.

But I cannot maintain that constant level of affection that he seems to want from me. That's just not me. I need a break sometimes, you know?

Would you be interested in sex even if he was hot & hunky? Some people simply have little or no desire and that's fine - so long as you're paired with someone similar.

He wants sex - you don't. That's simply incompatible.

i'm afraid if you two can't openly talk about his wieght prob. then he is to blame for what he is trying to call you out for?
it seems it is all about sex, if you can't talk openly about everything then he needs not ask?

well it does come off as you wanting company and not be alone, while he wants a lover... seems a bit incompatible. it is heartbreaking to have to write it. it doesn't seem like your puzzle pieces are matching up in a good way.

you love him, but he doesn't feel loved back. and that seems to go for everything, not just sex. i guess a therapist could help, because You needs to learn the way you share it vs him expecting it in a specific format.

Might want to read the book "The Five Love Languages" together... he's not feeling loved which means you're not giving him something he needs.

...and it might not actually be sex. (Although he has a point... we can tell when you're doing it just to appease us, rather than wanting/enjoying it!)

Eternity, the problem here isn't that you are willing to compromise with giving him sex. It's the simple fact that you don't enjoy it and you don't appreciate his weight.

I feel that all the positives you are highlighting, would be the ones I would speak about of a friend.

There has to be passion, desire...at least some to begin with. If you are not aligned in such a fundamental aspect now, can you imagine after you are married, and you have to be in each other's face all the time?

You need to (at least) sit down and have a deep and honest conversation.

You both owe it to each other. No blame. Just honesty.

He is right about many things, you are right too.

You two are simply not compatible, sorry. :-/

Yes, I wouldn't want a woman who's "willing" to do it with me just for the sake of staying with me, It sounds like a consent rape (lol two contradictory terms).

I would want the desire to be mutual.