Whats the worst thing about being in a relationship with NT

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Aspies....I want to flip this around a bit and please can you tell me what the dealbreakers or negative parts of an NT/AS relationship? From your point of view. And what we NT's can do to help make a healthy partnership?

a few simple rules for all relationships that I would classify as dealbreakers regardless of AS/NT divide:

1. Noone likes being judged or criticized since it makes a person feel bad about themselves. This happening constantly is sure to push someone away regardless of their mind's condition.
2. Noone likes a person who refuses to take responsibility for their own actions. If you broke someone else's heart, they don't want to hear you say the words "it's your fault that your heart is broken."
3. Noone wants a person who is totally unsure of their own feelings. Granted, I may need a couple days to sort these emotions from time to time and probably won't answer when the person wants to know at an exact moment.
4. Noone wants a person who is too serious. If a person is convinced that you can't get out of your mind for a minute and go with the flow, they believe you will always resist having fun.
5. Noone wants to feel used. Imagine the reaction you would get if you told someone that you were dating multiple people after you had slept with them (been on both sides, worse to be on the side that has to tell it to someone.) Now imagine the pain that one would feel if they thought you were meant to be together.
6. Most importantly, noone wants to be around someone they are convinced of not liking anyone at all. The truth here is that if you are with someone who doesn't like people, you will find yourself hating listening to their stories.

Aspiegf, I'm an aspie who is in a long-term relationship with a normal woman. It has been my experience, as well as the experience of others, that women tend to go into a relationship hoping their man will change and men go into a relationship hoping their woman won't change. Since this phenomenon appears to be part and parcel of human nature, my recommendation would be to accept WHOEVER your significant other is just as they are. If you can't do so, the best thing you can do for the sake of both of you is to move on.

I'd say that the biggest issue we've had is the difference in our communication styles. Just as I had to learn not to be so blunt, she had to learn once we got together to be more blunt. I had to explain to her many many times that if she doesn't tell me exactly how she feels about something, and exactly what she wants or needs from me, I'm not going to figure it out on my own. There used to be many fights about me ignoring her needs. But she's learned over time that, if she just tells me from the start what those needs are before she starts getting angry, I will do my level best to meet them.

The biggest issue we're still having is that she doesn't seem to understand why I need so much time to myself. Or doesn't get that alone time doesn't mean "call or text me every half hour." A lot of the time I have to choose between her feeling rejected, or me feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. I think our relationship might be a bit healthier if I didn't have to wait until I was ready to snap before taking a few hours to myself in order to not feel guilty.

Thank you...it ll akes good sense. especially learning each others communication styles and languages.
I try to be very clear with my BF on what my needs are, but he usually does the opposite if i do. I dont understand this as i try to make it easy but that doesnt work for him as he even tells me that he will do the opposite maybe this is the pressure he feels he is under when i am clear about my needs. like the hug that i needed last week. i told him how bad i was feeling and that all i need from him was a hug...he proceeded to tell me, "i do not have a crystal ball, therefore i cannot see into the future so i do not think i can provide this hug you say you need". WTF?

his behavior doesn't make much sense to me. I think you might be focusing too much on aspergers as a possible explanation, and forgetting that it's entirely possible to be both an aspie and a douchebag.

I mean, if he was talking about the pressure of trying to figure out what you need from him being too much then, yeah, that would be understandable.

But if the pressure to meet your needs is too much, once he knows what those needs are, then maybe he just doesn't belong in a relationship.

Last edited by mds_02 on 06 Mar 2013, 1:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

yup...thinking you're correct. though sometimes things are so good...i want to beleive hes aspergers rather than A hole!

aspiegf, I also have a AS BF and he went through a phase where he was an ass...it lasted for perhaps 6 months. I cried and didn'tknow what to do. Then out of nowhere I just felt like saying "No!" ; I won't let him cause me pain and go all over me. I have to have pride and self-value. I will end it. I told him what I thought and told him that I won't put up with his treatment. After that, he decided to listen to what I needed to be happy and things have been that way ever since. It's as though he knew he could walk all over me since he thought I would not leave. But I surprized him since I was also determined to find happiness on my own. So they key here is to find happiness for yourself first. If he doesn't want to go down that road with you, then you must let him go until he is willing to try and have the same goal.

thank you so much for this....I know deep down that he doesnt want to hurt me...i see in his eyes that he loves me plus he tells me he does, often. he has bought a home and has been nesting it for us to live in eventually...and since his daughter sut him out he has been a complete ass to me. he has also said to me ages ago, that he knows i would never leave him. then after 4 months of him being an ass to me (once a month meltdowns) he came to me and said do i consider this long term. before the four months of meltdowns there was no one i could imagine myself spending my life with but at that moment when ive been hurt every month by his messed up meltdowns. but instead i answered with a very long pause then...kinda things like we have to work on stuff. he has not been open to talking to me decently since 14 feb when i blurted out that i cannot live with the blame game , meltdowns and no looking within and no apologies...and by the way...you have aspergers!
you have given me hope. eveyone makes sense and says hes an abusive ass...im beleiving it...but my gut tells me that hes a good man and we are good together. like i said i would prefer to stay and work it out but its gotten so bad and he keeps saying things like, we just dont get each other...etc etc...how exactley did you do it? how exactley (meaning what words do i use) ....did you leave him for two months or what??? thank you!

The best thing you can do is just to remember that he does not think like you do, and as mentioned above... he probably needs you to be extremely straight-forward about things, which is an issue I've always had too.

"You'd have to be an idiot not to understand"
"You'd have to be an idiot not to know I was upset!"
etc etc etc.
We don't understand, and we don't know. Use your mouth

Last edited by uwmonkdm on 06 Mar 2013, 11:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The worst thing though, about being in a relationship with a "normal" girl for me is feeling like she never understood why I was acting the way I was.. and I had no way to really articulate it either.
So you've got me, a quiet mess, unable to communicate my emotions (not that the environments were facilitating open honesty)... and her, angry and growing ever more resentful that I seem distant and miserable/lazy etc.

It can all fall into a vicious cycle quite quickly, you need to learn how to read him better probably, to make up for the fact that he probably can't read a thing about you.
This is of course assuming that he's exactly like me, which he probably isn't.... but I hope this is helpful somehow.

The hardest part for me in my relationship is that my boyfriend knows I have this but sometimes he still gets mad at me for misunderstanding things, not being able to apply things from a situation to one that is similar, and for not seeing or understanding his non-verbal cues. He is sympathetic and understanding most of the time but does get frustrated.

Missing non-verbal cues was always a big one for me too, especially when it comes to intimacy.
I would say things like "You never seem to initiate anything intimate with me", and the responses are usually along the lines of "You're freaking blind". Anything short of physical contact or verbal suggestion was lost on me.

I remember one specific incident actually, where I was out with this girl, just walking around uptown.. and I ran into a friend of mine, we ended up talking for like 40 minutes because I lost track of time (typical). She got really mad afterwards, yelling about how she was giving me all these "signs" that she wanted to leave... like s**t, text my phone or something

All NT's are different and don't share any common properties, separate from Aspies.

It's like saying what are the negative parts about having a relationship with someone whose hispanic? Nothing, inherently.

• Do not presume to know what I am feeling or thinking just because I seem to have no reaction to current events.
• Do not assume that I am ignorant or stupid just because I don't have the same opinions as you.
• Do not assume that I am faking symptoms just so that I won't have to go someplace with you..
• Do not assume that I am faking pain or discomfort just so that I won't have to go someplace with you.
• Do not assume that I am sociopathic or ret*d just because I don't react as you do to stress.
• Do not assume that I hate a gift from you just because I don't squeal and gush over it.
• Do not assume that I know what you are thinking or feeling, especially when you are being evasive and vague.
• Do not assume that I know what you need or want, especially when you are being evasive and vague.

I added those last two just now (March 7, 2013, 20:45).

Last edited by Fnord on 07 Mar 2013, 3:47 pm, edited 7 times in total.

A MILLION TIMES THIS.