I can't approach girls, I can't flirt with them

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No wonder I'm 21 and have never even kissed a girl, eh?

Yeah, so I'm getting really tired of the whole ordeal. I see a girl I like, but I'm at a loss what to do from the start.

First thing: I can't look at girls in general, especially those I like, even if I know they can't see me. I simply can't stand to look at their faces for more than 1.5 seconds, I try so hard but I can't. If a girl stood in front of me and faced me and said look at my face I would get a nervous breakdown. I've seen girls smiling at me, looking at me, but what can I do about it? They might as well not do it.

Second thing: no self confidence. I feel like I'm offending girls I look at by looking at them. I think I'm not worthy of a girlfriend, I don't know what I would do with one, how would I entertain her and keep her happy except for my eccentric sense of humor which activates sporadically. I have no money and no hobbies other than watching TV shows and playing video games. I am a successful college student but that doesn't count for much. All in all, I can offer very little to a girl.

Because of all these, I'm tearing myself apart. I want that girl I like but I have no means of getting her, of even talking to her. How do you even start a conversation in a room full of people with a girl you don't know? What do you talk about? Do I stop her and ask a stupid question? I don't know, I would gladly give up on the whole thing but I really like her. I'm just waiting for the moment I'll see her hugging some guy so I can give up and return to my former inner peace.

Sorry, I needed to rant. If someone had similar difficulties but overcame them, I'd really appreciate your advice.

do you have male friends that have had success in the field? Try asking them to see if they can help you out.

One approach you may want to consider is this one (see the vid below). It puts both people in an awkward position, which should cause both people to share some of the anxiety that comes with aspies when it comes to the dating realm.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYbqLEwdXv8[/youtube]

Ignore this ^
"Game" is not what you need, or a "wing man"

You're clearly lacking self confidence and beating yourself up for all the times you've failed to talk to girls in the past.
Stop asking yourself "How do I talk to that girl?" and ask yourself "How can I become a man that she would want to talk to?" - This doesn't mean be fake, it means be yourself at your best and be confident.

Girls can sense insecurity from a mile away, so even if you could talk to them, I would wager you would get friend zoned 99.9% of the time. Your goal here is not to "get the girl", your goal is to raise your self esteem. If you allow your self esteem to be defined by whether you can talk to girls, or whether girls like you; an endless feedback loop which spirals down and down and down has been created.

Start with yourself, or you're not going to get anywhere. You can learn all the "game" you want. Hell, it might even get you laid if you're good enough and you learn to be a narcissistic prick to cover up your incredibly large insecurities; but ultimately you won't feel any better in the end, and you won't get the girl.

well, it was just a suggestion...

Yeah, some of my friends have had success. One does absolutely nothing and girls flock to him (his own words). The other just says he smiles at girls and if they smile back, he goes in. I once saw him making out with a girl and I didn't notice that he did any ''moves''. I told him that and he said sure I made some moves, but he didn't specify which. This situation just made me more confused. Thanks for the tip, I'll check it out.

@uwmonkdm



Well, I don't know what to do. At my best, I make people laugh. As for interests, I can't get into travelling or adventuring or dancing or cooking when those things truly don't interest me. My biggest problem is this lack of value I have to offer, along with communication problems. I feel like in order to obtain value, I have to get into activities I dislike.



The times I did ''make move'', yes. But I have only actively pursued about 3 girls so far. I liked a few more but I never got to even utter a word in their general direction because looking at them was hard enough. I was able to communicate with those girls because they were my classmates, not unknown girls so it was easier to establish communication. But when it comes to random girls, it's a bigger problem. My lack of self esteem is based on a total lack of external value, I don't feel I'm worth anything, I'm just good at my studies, nothing else, I'm broke and my interests are very specific and hard to change. I'm not interested in getting laid nor am I interested in the game. I simply don't know what to do or where to start, I feel trapped.

Thanks to internet I overcame them, when I was 22 years old. I strongly recommend starting from internet, in this way you can minimize anxiety. (You can think before you write something, no eye contact etc.). Then you should increase interaction gradually: first webcam, than meetings and so on. Finally, don't feel down when you fail. Keep trying, you will see that those setbacks can give you invaluable experiences about social life.

Well, what are those interests? You'd be surprised the groups that exist for the most specific, obscure interests. I'd say you're probably giving up on your interests too fast. If you're interested in them, that means you must see some value in them, right? So then knowing about that valuable thing is your value. At least, until you manage to practice enough to have some more general self-confidence and not just base your self-worth on that.

It's hard man...you just gotta keep progressing. I was the same exact way. At first I couldn't even say Boo to a girl and now I can at least talk to girls in my classes, mainly about the classes. Then I got a little better and can now somewhat carry a conversation about personal stuff. I still have trouble approaching random girls, like you. I would say your best bet to break the ice is to use class to start a conversation (that is if the girl is in your class). If you missed a class, ask for notes, say your worried about the exam and maybe she will be that way too and you can ask if she wants to study. The main thing is to find common ground and using school is the cheapest way to do that if you can't think of something else.

I know it's tough and I still haven't had my breakthrough as the 3 girls I was interested all were ENGAGED!! ! @ the age of 22 or younger!! !

So be prepared for a long, bumpy road and good luck!

All of your posts, and your signature reek of "I'm a nice guy, so take my dick" syndrome.. not helpful

My interests are video games and TV shows. I also like watching soccer and the NBA. None of these are even remotely interesting to an average girl. My interests have no value to girls. I don't know how to raise my self-confidence, I have nothing to base it on, even if I faked it, it would eventually bounce like a check giving the money that doesn't exist. A girl would see I'm confident, but have absolutely no value beyond that. I can be caring and loving and etc. but that doesn't seem so valuable.



When it comes to girls in class, I can wing it, it's not very hard to establish communication but I come off as timid, they are not romantically attracted to me so they friend zone me quickly. It also doesn't help that my view of relationships is more ''old school'', too idealistic. I always thought a girl will like me because I'm funny and care about her and she has feelings for me while actually relationships are all about constantly demonstrating value, keeping the partner interested, like a clown who doesn't want to bore his audience. As for girls I don't know and would have to approach in a public space and talk to her, I don't know how to do it and I would come off as creepy.

We are very much the same! 21 yo and never had a boyfriend.

I can't look at boys on the streets, especially the cute young ones. I I've seen boys looking at me, but what can I do about it? They might as well look at everyone, or think I am a complete weirdo and/or ugly.
Second thing: no self confidence. I feel like I'm coming across as 'checking them out' by looking at them. I don't want to creep them out or come off as promiscuous. I think I'm not worthy of a boyfriend, I would not know what I would do with one, how would I entertain him and keep him happy except for the physical aspect, I am caring, and that I like to cook. I have no hobbies other than watching TV shows and visiting message boards and youtube on the internet. I am a successful psychology student but that doesn't help a lot. All in all, I can offer very little to a boy.

Because of all these, I'm tearing myself apart. Wouldn't know how to get a guy interested. How do you even start a conversation in a room full of people with a boy you don't know? What do you talk about? I don't know.

Hell, you sound awesome, that would be more than enough to keep me happy, especially if you would watch the Office with me and like listening to Queen while browsing the internet.

For me, the important thing when to comes to relationships is to be with someone who likes you for who you are, where every day isn't a struggle to demonstrate value and keep the person amused, where I can relax and enjoy my hobbies with my partner, where I don't have to constantly think about what exciting things I should do next, where to take her, will she leave me for a guy who can afford to take her to Bahamas for a holiday, will she cheat because I'm too boring, where I don't have to constantly put up a face of self confidence and can show weakness sometimes, etc. I mean, I'm not lazy, I know relationships require work and understanding and compromise, but the amount of work I would have to put in to maintain a relationship with an average girl would be utterly ridiculous.

i do not have a clue yet.



i never found anyone interesting (or even noticed them) until they introduced themselves to me and told me they were interested in what i was doing.

i think that there are a lot of people in the world that need to be completed by another person, and many fewer people who feel complete all by themselves. i am not ascribing a value to either situation.

i feel complete all by myself, and i (almost (i am easily frustrated)) always have a kind of "creamy" and relaxed and contented feeling in my mind, and i like to consider my ideas as i proceed through my day and i am never bored, and i never feel lonely.

an example how i first got one of my girlfriends ....

i was a programmer for a company, and i went to a tavern every night of the week to get dinner on my way home.
many times when i was at work at say 7pm thinking about how i would code programs i was writing, i decided to take about 30 pages of copier paper with me and go and get dinner at the tavern.
while my dinner was being cooked, i would write the code for the program i was currently designing, (on the copier paper) and i was not aware of external attention, and suddenly one thursday night (after hundreds of previous nights), she sat down next to me and she said that she was intrigued about what i was doing. she did not understand what i told her, but nevertheless, when she asked what i was going to do when i got home, i told her that i would be playing music. she then asked me if she could come back to my place and i said yes and we are still friends. (i was never willing to get too physical with her because she is an intense person.
she prances about in her underwear whilst i am playing tunes that are entirely separate from her expression.

i guess i am trying to say you have to be complete on your own before you can take on passengers,








it just seems like social anxiety disorder to me. i never felt the way you report you feel. i do not search for peoples eyes to look at, but i look in their direction if i am talking to them. i can easily look at who i like, but the problem is i do not like many people.




therefore you will project your pessimistic attitude into them when you look at them.


and you are correct in my mind. if you feel too insecure to have a girlfriend






why do you erroneously think that you are the brain that will be essential to plot further activity?

how sad. really.

i have no idea what to say to you except for that you must be happy with how you are first and foremost.

looks are unfortunately involved. it does not matter to me whether you have no idea what you are talking about

Think you're stereotyping a bit here. I'm a girl. I love video games! I know a bunch of other girls who do too. If you're still in college, does your campus have a gaming club? I think you'd find a bunch of girls there who share your interests. I, personally, am not a sports fan, but I know a bunch of girls who are. I don't know exactly where to find them, since I don't have that interest myself, unlike the gaming, but they are definitely out there, and much more common than you think.

So it seems to me that you have very low self esteem, which can interfere with dating. I'd suggest to work on your own life until you feel confident about yourself. Then, you will have more confidence in the dating world.

These sound like great places to start. Get a job, try new activities, and work on your communication skills. You could ask friends to help you with some of those things as well.

Working on these problems individually is hard work I'll admit. But it may pay off more in the long run when you meet someone who works hard as well and has the same values as you. It's up to you if you want to just learn flirting techniques or work on self-improvement first.

Haha, thanks. Although I don't feel it's enough to keep the 'average' person happy so to speak.
Yeah, I would also want someone to feel comfortable with. At the same I would like someone that takes the initiative to do something once in a while. Because I dont wanna be stuck inside forever.