NT- Aspie relationship. Aspie bf being taken advantage of?

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Hi, I was wondering if I could get some input from aspies in a relationship with an NT. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and I love him to death! I’m pretty sure the reason why our relationship is ( usually) so easy and why its been long lasting are his qualities. I don’t think I could find someone so quirky, funny, sweet, kind or honest. Honestly fopr a long time I couldn’t understand how it was possible that he had so many great qualities. Then he told me he had aspergers and showed me some youtube videos then things started to click. His characteristics make him who he is and I wouldn’t change them for the world BUT … sometimes they cause problems. The fact that he is so kind, caring and honest sometimes causes him to get taken advantage of. He doesn’t understand that other people can lie the way they do. Anyway … its hard for me to watch that happen. And he gets really angry if I suggest it … so sometimes, if I don’t think someone can hurt him, then I just leave things be and let him come to his own conclusions. This time someone taking advantage of him is taking a toll on our relationship. A family member of his whom I sure loves him very much, is taking advantage of him. She steals from him, gets him to give her money, gets him to buy everything for her and drive her everywhere. I’m fine with them being close but I can’t stand that she steals his money and he won’t say anything. Recently he gave her a stereo for her car. I’m really hurt because I bought it for him. He doesn’t understand that I bought it for him- not her. The way he looks at it is “its mine shouldn’t I do what I want with it?” and hes right but still I thought it might mean more to him because it came from me. I think I could even deal with it if she didn’t use him for everything else. That and I don’t know why but she doesn’t like me. She never has but it hasn’t been a problem until recently. Now whenever we go to a movie she wants to come. Or if we go out to eat. Basically I’m dating both of them because the only time we’re alone is if we’re having sex. How do I tell my boyfriend that I feel hurt/ less important than I once was without making him angry or making it seem like I’m attacking this family member? Sorry for the rant 

Display evidence of her abuse factually, in order of date and importance. Perhaps a logical approach would help him out.

Just make sure you're not dealing with a personality disordered woman first, before it gets ugly. In fact - what if he came to understand her as potentially being unstable/disordered? He'll exhaust the facts likely. Patterns of petty theft like you say could indicate a narcissist, sociopath, klepto, histrionic so forth - there's a lot of possibilities. Imposing on private time is a big, big red flag also... So is disliking you from the get-go, think 'golden child' scenario of an abusive mother. You're the underdog sibling in this example.

or, "she should know that what she's doing is straining us"

Charlie, thanks for your reply. You're definitely right about how I need to present the issue to him. Whenever there's something wrong he always asks me the exact day that it happened. I feel really stupid for not realizing that was part of the way he thinks. I just thought he said that to avoid possible confrontations. I feel awful for not even thinking that maybe things just make sense to him that way. And she definitely does have some kind mental illness. She's always had issues with getting really obsessive with people then dramatically angry if things go wrong. Except in the past it hasn't been family. It's just been boyfriends and friends. I think he knows what she's doing but doesn't want to say anything because he does t like conflict and he knows that she can go off the wall. He's also concerned that he might hurt her a and that they're relationship will be over for good. I think he assumes that I know he loves me so he doesn't have to contribute to our relationship. I'm not really sure. Sometimes it's hard for me to separate aspie issues from dating issues. Thanks again for the info it helps a lot. I feel guilty because I love my bf very much but I barely know anything about the condotion. There's moy much info out there. Sorry for another huge post !

you could also ask for some "just us" activites. tell him you miss being alone with him. every couple needs alone time. that's why married with children people have date night.

Aspie NT love story reminds me of this!! [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PzqXxl4cfsU[/youtube]

I see this as your issue, not his. Let me explain.

From your post, it sounds as if your BF doesn't mind what his relative is doing. You are the one who is bothered by her actions. (I would dislike it too.)

Given that you don't like it and he either likes what she does or he's indifferent to it; it's up to you to set your own boundaries. If, for instance, you don't want to spend time with her; tell him that. Tell him that you don't make plans with her to get together. And that you are dating him; not him & his relative. You want to see him, not her and ask him to not bring her along when he sees you.

I assume he's an adult. As an adult he is free to comply with your wishes or not regardless of his neurology. If he is incapable or dis-inclined to see you without bringing his relative with him; that's a problem within your relationship. I'm not saying that he would be wrong; whatever choice he makes. I am saying that you need to reckon with the choices he makes. Make no mistake about it, he does have choice as to whether he allows her to tag along (and that's also regardless of her psychology).

If you view him as a victim of his female relative; incapable of setting appropriate adult boundaries with her (example; going where ever he pleases without her) then you need to reckon with that. If he simply prefers to have her along with him, reckon with that.

You can choose to set your own boundaries. You can choose to not spend time with your boyfriend's female relative. Example; "When you must bring her along; I will not spend time with either of you." This may sound harsh to you, but that's taking responsibility for your setting your own boundaries. (He likes to spend time with her but you do not.) Or you can be flexible about it if you prefer; "I would rather not spend time with her. It's OK to see her occasionally, but I'm not interested in seeing her more than once a week."

Perhaps he does not understand that you simply do not want to spend time with his female relative. It would be pretty straight forward to convey that to him.

you're on the right track, I think this could really help you two.

Also, right here on your problem with -her-. Google 'low contact' in relation to narcissistic personalities. Distance at key points is, well, key. They can still be friends, but it needs to be with boundaries.

My experience with a narcissistic family member is that they get inside your head. Someone who does that just by default doesnt feel for a person. Does he have good smell? I do and could swear I can smell it on a person

Be straight forward, like, pretty much the way you just told us, with even more detail.
1. He's a guy
2. He's an aspie guy

Gotta be direct, and to the point. Don't dance around it.