when people never ask if you are married

Page 1 of 2 [ 24 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

billiscool
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Feb 2006
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,989

22 Mar 2013, 12:15 am

People never ask me if I am married or if I have a girlfriend, or If I ever plan on getting married.
Family members, friends, and other people I know never ask that question.
my brother who is younger get ask that question. But not me.
family members and friends who know me for a long time, never think it's
odd that Im not married or very rarely been in relationship.
they never go ''hey ''bill'' met any girls lately'' '' ''bill'' are you planing
on ever getting married'' never, not once.
so, what does it mean when people don't ever even ask that question?



League_Girl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 27,317
Location: Pacific Northwest

22 Mar 2013, 12:21 am

I assume it means they don't care. Why do you want to be asked if you are or not?


_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.


billiscool
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Feb 2006
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,989

22 Mar 2013, 12:33 am

League_Girl wrote:
I assume it means they don't care. Why do you want to be asked if you are or not?


I just wonder why no one ever ask me that question. Alot of single people get asked that question, especial from family members.
maybe my family members don't care but they do ask my brother if he is.
and family friends who know me for a long time, never ask me that question but they do ask my brother.
they even asked my sister at one time before she was married.



meems
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Dec 2010
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,869

22 Mar 2013, 12:37 am

I wish people would never ask me that, it always turns into weird arguments about whether or not I'm "going to regret it".


_________________
http://www.facebook.com/eidetic.onus
http://eidetic-onus.tumblr.com/
Warning, my tumblr is a man-free zone :)


Who_Am_I
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Aug 2005
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,632
Location: Australia

22 Mar 2013, 2:00 am

Maybe you're lucky enough to know a lot of people who know how to mind their own business.


_________________
Music Theory 101: Cadences.
Authentic cadence: V-I
Plagal cadence: IV-I
Deceptive cadence: V- ANYTHING BUT I ! !! !
Beethoven cadence: V-I-V-I-V-V-V-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I! I! I! I I I


KateUher
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 16 Mar 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 50

22 Mar 2013, 2:31 am

I had this best friend who was always dating and other people seemed to act like this was normal for her, but whenever I would date I got the feeling that others thought I wasn't ready and worried about me too much. Sometimes I even got the since that they wanted me to put my attention on other things. It felt very patronizing and unfair. Like they thought I was too immature for dating or not the sort of person that should date. My BFF was definitely more mature and relaxed with everything, but I'm a person too. I have to date in my own way. As I the years passed people in my life changed how they reacted. I think they started to accept me as a person who would date even if it seemed odd to them somehow.

I think you have an opportunity to be kind to your friends and family and tactfully let them know that you will be dating. Tell them if you meet someone or are taking steps to meet someone. They should ask, but if they don't know any better you just have to lead the way. I think we have a responsibility to enlighten others, even though it's kind of a burden sometimes. Best of luck with your romantic endeavours.


_________________
Kate Uher

Author of "The Gifts of Autism, an A-Z" (A children's book)
and "Disappearing Girl" (Another ASD memoir) https://thesensitivityspectrum.com/writing/


billiscool
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Feb 2006
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,989

22 Mar 2013, 2:54 am

KateUher wrote:
I

I think you have an opportunity to be kind to your friends and family and tactfully let them know that you will be dating. Tell them if you meet someone or are taking steps to meet someone. They should ask, but if they don't know any better you just have to lead the way. I think we have a responsibility to enlighten others, even though it's kind of a burden sometimes. Best of luck with your romantic endeavours.


thanks. But the most oddest thing is they don't even think it strange that Im not married or in a relationship. Usually mother bother their single sons about marriage , but mom never does, she has never talk to me about girls and dating and my dad too. My sister and brother don't even ask if I got a girlfriend, or if I ever met anyone special. usually when you get in your late 20's and not married, most of the time, people start asking and wonder why is he not married? That just how people are. But for me, the question never get asked. Maybe they think Im a wimp, and they don't think I ever get married, because Im a ''wimp'' maybe that the reason they don't ask



Marybird
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 26 Apr 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,818

22 Mar 2013, 3:43 am

I have wondered about that also. Family members and other people have never asked me questions about marriage or relationships either.
I don't think that's normal.



Cafeaulait
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2012
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,539
Location: Europe

22 Mar 2013, 5:39 am

Do you guys like doughnuts?



b9
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Aug 2008
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,003
Location: australia

22 Mar 2013, 5:54 am

i can not see why anyone would want to know if i am married (apart from official documents), so i do not consider the fact that i do not get asked if i am married to be noteworthy.

i can not imagine why not being questioned about it would upset anyone.



blue_bean
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 10,617
Location: Behind the wheel

22 Mar 2013, 6:03 am

They probably don't ask because they presume you have no prospects of it ever happening due to your disability. They ask your brother because in their mind he's more likely than you are to fulfill their expectations.



KateUher
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 16 Mar 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 50

22 Mar 2013, 7:48 am

First of all, you're only 30, this is still young. But if people are asking your younger brother about this then there does seem to be some discrimination. In that case... You can look at this as they are judging you for being disabled or you can see it as they understand that Autism makes these things more difficult and they don’t want to pressure you.

Maybe your mom sees you as being vulnerable (rather than a "whip"). And maybe you are vulnerable. It's not a bad thing. I personally wouldn't be interested in a guy who isn't venerable in some way. I have autism and that makes romantic relationships more challenging and painful and I am more vulnerable that other's would be. I found dating devastating. Now I'm married (I got married at 33) and I find it rewarding but getting here was hard.

Your mom probably knows this will be emotionally challenging and doesn't want her son to be hurt. She may not be ready for it. This is not a reflection on you as a person who can or can't date. This is a refection on her as a mom who worries. When I don't answer the phone for three days my mom worries that I've killed my whole family and we're all just lying here dead in the living room :D What does that say about me??? Don't answer that. But I have to tell her, "I'm not crazy. I'm not that emotionally fragile. Stop worrying so much!" You need to do the same. Tell her you are going to date, bring it up and let her join in the conversation. If she doesn't tell her you want her to. Sometimes you have to tell your parents what you need from them. Sometimes you still don't get it. I know what you're saying about her not asking. It sucks. But you're not alone, I promise.

But weather people ask or not you should try to make yourself happy.


_________________
Kate Uher

Author of "The Gifts of Autism, an A-Z" (A children's book)
and "Disappearing Girl" (Another ASD memoir) https://thesensitivityspectrum.com/writing/


BuyerBeware
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,476
Location: PA, USA

22 Mar 2013, 7:59 am

Possibly they've given up.

Possibly they're trying to be considerate, like to not pressure you or be respectful if it doesn't seem like that's something you want.

Possibly they just really don't get you and they're trying to avoid conflict.

You know what I think is funny?? The same people (grandmas and such) that used to be asking when I was going to have kids with this longing sort of lustful expression, started asking me when I was going to STOP having kids about the time I started showing with the third one and about s**t kittens howling, "How are you going to MANAGE?!?!" when I turned up pregnant with the fourth.

No pleasing some people.

Tell 'em all about your special interest. :twisted:


_________________
"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"


Anomiel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Dec 2012
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,023

22 Mar 2013, 9:10 am

billiscool wrote:
People never ask me if I am married or if I have a girlfriend, or If I ever plan on getting married.
Family members, friends, and other people I know never ask that question.
my brother who is younger get ask that question. But not me.
family members and friends who know me for a long time, never think it's
odd that Im not married or very rarely been in relationship.
they never go ''hey ''bill'' met any girls lately'' '' ''bill'' are you planing
on ever getting married'' never, not once.
so, what does it mean when people don't ever even ask that question?


I think you answered the question yourself - they have known you for a long time and already know if you hook up with people regularly or not. Maybe they think it would be insulting/boring if they said "hey met any girls huh huh huh" all the time even if they knew the answer, and maybe thinking that it might be kind of a sore spot (as it often is with unwanted singledom)? I wouldn't go as far as calling it discrimination as we don't know their motives. But of course if it feels bad it feels bad anyway.



JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

22 Mar 2013, 9:37 am

They know you well and:
1) You don't have a ring on the finger
2) Asperger's
3) I take it you talk a lot about love in real life as well? In this fashion it's not something a taken person would normally do.

There might be other things that automatically lead them to assume what your status is and not to bother asking you. All and all, it's because they know you well enough to know your current situation.



billiscool
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Feb 2006
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,989

22 Mar 2013, 10:48 am

KateUher wrote:
First of all, you're only 30, this is still young. But if people are asking your younger brother about this then there does seem to be some discrimination. In that case... You can look at this as they are judging you for being disabled or you can see it as they understand that Autism makes these things more difficult and they don’t want to pressure you.

Maybe your mom sees you as being vulnerable (rather than a "whip"). And maybe you are vulnerable. It's not a bad thing. I personally wouldn't be interested in a guy who isn't venerable in some way. I have autism and that makes romantic relationships more challenging and painful and I am more vulnerable that other's would be. I found dating devastating. Now I'm married (I got married at 33) and I find it rewarding but getting here was hard.

Your mom probably knows this will be emotionally challenging and doesn't want her son to be hurt. She may not be ready for it. This is not a reflection on you as a person who can or can't date. This is a refection on her as a mom who worries. When I don't answer the phone for three days my mom worries that I've killed my whole family and we're all just lying here dead in the living room :D What does that say about me??? Don't answer that. But I have to tell her, "I'm not crazy. I'm not that emotionally fragile. Stop worrying so much!" You need to do the same. Tell her you are going to date, bring it up and let her join in the conversation. If she doesn't tell her you want her to. Sometimes you have to tell your parents what you need from them. Sometimes you still don't get it. I know what you're saying about her not asking. It sucks. But you're not alone, I promise.

But weather people ask or not you should try to make yourself happy.


well, they(family) ask have my cousin (who has asperger) if he ever will get married. He is married now, I think. (or has a girlfriend,not sure)
But family friends don't even know I have autism, in fact most people don't even know I have autism (or pddnos) and they even don't think it weird that Im not dating. and Im better looking and better shape than my brother, and my brother doesn't really care for dating any ways.