Should I leave my Aspi bf alone when emotionally distant?

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I’ve been dating my incredible Aspi bf for about 6 months now. Our relationship is serious (ie we talk of marriage) and are circumstantially more committed than perhaps ideal at this stage as we have to live together already in his apartment (I’m on a temporary visa from a different country and funds mean I can’t afford to live elsewhere right now).

When things are good they are amazing. I feel entirely connected to him, he is so, so thoughtful, so loving and passionate, and an excellent communicator (as a result of years working very hard to be a good one). He’s learning to be more honest and open with his feelings and I’m not concerned about any of his Aspie tendencies, really, as I’ve got over the abruptness/shock of some of the blunt things he can say etc.

The real thing I’m still struggling with is how to deal with him when he goes into a distant, obsessional phase. I’m getting better at dealing with him when all of a sudden the intimacy drops off (at the weekend for eg he asked me to go to bed early with him - he can do subtlety - then ended up getting really distracted on the computer and didn’t come to bed until past midnight and has done the same for the past 3 nights. Usually we go to bed together, snuggle and/or have sex, so this behaviour is unusual and a sign of him retracting).

What I want to know is - should I leave him to it when he’s in an obsessional distant phase or try to reach out to him? My instinct is to give him space but sometimes it can be really hard when I feel he’s physically present but not at all ‘there’ with me . I often feel incredibly lonely or like I’ve done something wrong when he first shifts, which I know I haven’t. It’s hard to balance both our needs.

I’d just like to know whether reaching out to him when I feel abandoned (only after a number of days) will actually make him feel worse/more like retracting. I try and go out, see friends, do yoga, but I’m a writer so often need to be at home to work.

He does apologise for being distant and knows when he’s sliding that way - but - what to do? Do we just sit it out? Any advice welcome!

He's not retracting from you. He's shifting his attention to something else that is entirely unrelated to you or your relationship and that is something he will continue to do forever, unless so depressed and/or suffering from anhedonia that he won't have any interests left and that would be far worse to deal with for you both.
Don't try to disturb him, he's done nothing wrong. You could explain why you feel down when he's not as available to you, but that would just be to clarify why you're acting hurt.
Maybe find some interests you could do together, or some interests of your own.

Hey Anomiel

Thanks for the reply!

I do have plenty of interests of my own as he does too - as it should be in any healthy relationship! And we do have joint ones. I want him to have whatever space he needs (lord knows I need mine!) I was more trying to clarify what to do when he’s said or asked me to spend time with him and then switches to doing something of his own. Just leave him to it or point out that he made a suggestion to be together? How would it make someone with Aspergers feel to have that pointed out? Frustrated? Trapped? Guilty? Just trying to be more empathic...

Sorry, I'm in a bad mood. Your post deserves more in-depth consideration and empathy than I am capable of today so I hope you get more answers from other autistics
Personally I would get mildly annoyed if my partner got his feelings hurt over me being obsessed by things, as it is something separate from the relationship. But if you put it right he might be flattered that you miss him so much instead?

Sometimes, the best thing to do when someone is in a bad mood is to let them have time to themselves. I know I get overwhelmed when people constantly try to talk to me when I am less than happy.

Sure, telling him that you feel lonely and abandoned will make him feel even more retracted. Almost all men react that way, not just aspies.

I hear what you're saying; you want to know how much tolerance your man will have for being pulled back into contact with you, once he has almost completely disappeared into his own head; how much 'in-his-head-time' is needed for autistics in order for you to be empathic and realistic.

While it is safe to say that autistics need more time alone than the norm, the saying here is; 'If you know one autistic, you know one autistic.' When you say your instinct is to give him space. I'm guessing that's because you are reading his subliminal signals that are telling you; 'I want my space right now.'

Feeling lonely while living with one's mate is serious. I know more than a couple of women who have eventually divorced because of this exact dynamic. And those women, even those who have not remarried, feel less lonely living alone than when they lived with their husbands, myself included.

I'm afraid you will need to simply tell him that you need interaction once you are feeling lonely. You say he's an excellent communicator; he will examine his needs and communicate if asked (sooner or later), right? He is the only person that can tell you/demonstrate how much relationship time he can tolerate.


Yes. Do not fall into the trap of completely sublimating your relationship needs in trying to adjust to the autistic part of your partner. 'I must accept what he can't control'; is a rational approach, in theory and lots of NT wives of autistic men try mightily to 'make it work' on this basis. But when this approach completely leaves out the wife's need for relationship with her mate, it ultimately fails. And that failure can be a long time in coming depending upon the level of denial of the wife as to her real needs.

Last edited by MountainLaurel on 01 May 2013, 9:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.

As a younger aspie, he may not have a good rhythm as far as how much restore and recharge time he needs, and may try and do too much, especially with someone he likes.

If he makes a suggestion and pulls back, maybe you could lightly suggest a low-key alternative, in a fashion that it's okay for him to say no.

And, two days.

To the question of how much alone time he needs, generally two days. And just like before, ask in a light way and it's okay for him to say no.

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I take long walks of indefinite time periods, I think to emotionally process. And it can be forty-five minutes, it can be two hours. It kind of has to be an indefinite period.

And I like having the place to myself some evenings, so I can walk around, talk to myself as I wish. I kind of need to be alone, and I don't want to be watched.

Just like any other relationship, between anyone, both people in the relationship must be willing to adapt to each other somewhat and sometimes to compromise for the other one's happiness or at least if what they are doing is causing despair.

If you don't have that, you don't have much of a relationship, no matter if you are NT/NT, AS/NT or whatever.

Nothing is perfect, I know that. But, you are only dating and are already seeing a pattern in which he ignores your needs, but his are supposed to be tolerated.

It sounds like he's getting into something online that he can't tear away from. What I would do, if it were me, is pick a time when you are both calm, and calmly ask him what he has found so interesting online lately. Be specific about when he's online that you are worried about or he might not know what you mean. "The other night when you were on from about 8 PM until midnight, what were you doing?" You do have a right to know, if it's impacting your time together or your relationship to this extent. Especially if you live together.

You don't sound clingy and I don't think you should continue to distance yourself every time without at least asking what's up. Let him know that you deserve his consideration too (as in, he needs to be considerate to you.) A lot of guys do that, NT do it too. They will begin to feel safe and "I have her now, why chase what I have" and basically ignore the woman. They will begin to do what they want and not think about her.

I will say that being with a man who is AS and has a personality that doesn't want to reach out more to you (notice I said it has to be both) is very lonely. Ask yourself if you want that. Once you are married, let alone have finances tied together, or kids, or health issues, or other reasons you can't part, it doesn't get better let's put it that way.

Aadvarkgoodswimmer: thank you, that really helps put it in perspective. Like I said, I try and go out when I can to give us both space, but this week I’m on a writing deadline so can’t (we share an office unfortunately!) It’s tricky; I’d arranged to stay somewhere else for a while then, when things were going so well, I decided to cancel it (only after he’d voiced that he too wanted me to stay around). Of course, the wheel turned and now we are stuck in together!!

He definitely struggles to manage his energy, that’s absolutely true, and I try and encourage him to take breaks when he needs them and to be kind to himself, not expect so much of himself etc

MountainLaurel: Entirely agree re the push/pull dance of all relationships! Re the toleration level matter, yes, very good point - and I’ve reiterated to him that I will be sympathetic and considerate to his ways but he still needs to work on the intimacy/communication stuff. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

What your BF is doing is something I call getting stuck in an "aspie loop"... into an obsession and almost unable to break free!

If you want his attention, make an offer that is enticing and you will likely be able to turn his interest away from ??? and back to you.

TIP: Make it a positive, appealing offer and/or that it's something you would really like/need. You can gently persuade but not force.
As soon as you get aggressive, rude or demanding, his interest will seem a lot more appealing than time snuggling with a cactus!

I wish I could've taught my ex-wife that... if she wanted nookie, her invitation was a gruff, "you comin' to bed or NOT??" After I recoiled from her anger and said I'd rather sleep on the couch than with a grouch. Then she'd cry herself to sleep, telling anyone who will listen, that I turned down her amorous advances. Had she only been pleasant, things would've been a lot different... but that's a whole 'nuther story.

Hey BlueMax

I like your suggestion and wish it were that simple!

I am sexually confident with a high sex drive (sex has also been part of my professional life), as is he. But for him, sex takes a lot of emotional energy, he says, if he’s doing it right. Consequently, when he’s in an obsessional/down spell, he has said that he doesn’t have the energy to have sex. This has led to a few wranglings where I’ve initiated things he usually loves (blow jobs, foot jobs) only for him to feel manipulated or coerced after the event and made him resentful towards me. So as a result I’ve become very reluctant to ‘tempt’ him or do anything that seems like pursuit - he likes to ‘hunt’ for it and also has pretty old-fashioned ideas about sex and men/women - hence I’ve become somewhat reticent in making the first move!

To date, I’ve never lost my temper with him for not coming to bed or being distant, but I know he feels guilty and the guilt then keeps him away for even longer.

Any other ideas?!

Whoa... I'd like to slap that bonehead for passing up a good thing! (I was lucky to get funky every 4-6 weeks! That woman was/is up to her eyeballs in depression which just KILLS sex drive.)

I may have stumbled onto an important point which you also mentioned... if he's down or depressed, that sex drive is going to be way, way lower. Raise his spirits and you'll raise his.... blood pressure.



(Easier said than done, of course!)

By the way I think this forum is supposed to be PG rated? I think there is a separate forum for graphic sex stuff.

Outside of any Aspie considerations, the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" might be informative.

Otherwise, speaking for myself, if I become withdrawn so that I can process something, I find things work out best if I am allowed to have that time apart.

What is this cruel dimension I've stepped my feet into? "Honey, want a ****job?" "While we are married? I love you!"

Mmm yep there is an Aspie adult life forum appropriately south of this one, in which one can discuss all manner of "jobs" openly.



There are lots of minors on the main forums.

/me wonders if apple purposely quoted the post in question after I mentioned that...