Going more Offline

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This thread should be titled: "Negative points about Online Dating and why it sucks for most men in general."

I only know why it sucks for men, if you know why it sucks for women too then you can do a parallel thread. But don't blame me for not knowing why - i am a straight male.


I have been effectively using okc and other local sites for a year, lately I have been also in contact with the 'competition' (other men) to have more overview what's really going on these sites.
Since the number of active members (of both genders) doesn't exceed the 40, I was knowing exactly who is dating who, who the ones I dated were dating (and having the FBs of those who I've dated helped too).

Here what I have concluded what's really going on and the negative things about online dating:

- Numbers: Actively seeking Men outnumbers by far the actively seeking women everywhere, even on those sites that claim to have a balanced ratio. On okc for example, women are more likely to be there just for the fun, for quizzes (or simply "I've joined it because I was bored") and for non-dating reasons than men, also fake profiles are much more often portrayed as female. No matter where you go in the online dating, the actively seeking men most likely outnumber women. After communicating with many active males there, some of those active women really don't date anyone there, they frequent those dating sites (and funnily they are the same who use several sites) for totally non-dating reasons.

- Men lack the power of choices: Because of this imbalance, dating sites becomes no different than online job boards: Males are the job seekers, females are the employers, and dating is the job interview. Job seekers are always more likely to be desperate in getting a job than an employer trying to hire a qualified one. The employer have more choices, more options, and can afford to be more picky in his terms than a job seeker (unless the job seeker is some f****** brainiac).

The employers are the ones who control the job market, not the job seekers and hence they are by far more powerful. I had tasted this power for some times when I had multiple dates (choices), like a job seeker who got more than one job offer, he would feel more powerful and would be able to up-negotiate salary and benefits; but this seldom happen to a job seeker. Most young actively-seeking women on the other hand have this power of choice all the time. And it's the employer who tries to find any reason to disqualify the candidate (1 negative point, next!), not the other way around.

Now I am certain that some of you would say this is a very dry and bleak view on dating sites, but like it or not, this is really what's going on there.

- The God's gift complex: A lot of encounters had the belief that they're god's gift for malekind, now I am not sure if dating sites attract this type of people or they develop this attitude due to the unlimited attention and offers they're getting there, egg or chicken paradox, but what I am sure of is that dating sites fuel this feeling in them. I've noticed that the more frequent the female user is, the more likely she has a this common complex. I've encountered a lot of female profiles portray this attitude - or they even portray this attitude in their messages.

-Not few females using dating sites think lowly of males using dating sites (lol): Yeah, right, a lot of them do, they are several reasons for that, one is that many males send repetitive silly "hi's" like lap dogs to every female coming online, and second is they simply think of males there have no social life and losers, and no, this isn't just a regional thing. Now here's the problem if you are a male there: you are a male using a dating site, not a very good start.

- The infinite loop of seeking the best: With or without the God's gift complex, because of the load of choices they're getting, many women stuck in this loop: She meets X, X sounds to be a great match, she replies him or dates him; Y comes in, Y sounds a better match! Dropping X like hot potato and goes for Y ...then Z comes in! ...loop. They don't invest enough time to build an emotional bond with anyone, they're stuck in seeking the best of the best of the best.... Those women remain single and dating for a long time.

That happens to exchange of messages AND dates, how many guys you've heard complaining that they were have a great conversation with a certain woman and she suddenly stopped replying? In many times, it's not always because the guy said something stupid but because a more appealing guy came into the picture.

It also happen to the dating itself, unlike the regular offline dating, even if you are successful in getting a 5th date with a certain woman, as long she's actively using the dating site then there's absolutely no guarantee that she would not drop you for a better candidate coming in.

I know exactly which male members my previous dates dated after me, a lot of them were dropped in all sudden too, and they aren't few, and all of those women remained single to this date, only one woman I've dated has a boyfriend now and she met him offline.



So I am going more offline! I got recently a date with a young woman who frequents my gym, things are so different in real life, and you're not that much at a disadvantage, as a male. Plus, I've literally squeezed dating sites hence it's getting less effective, very few new users are coming in my area.

Offline is the best way to know if there's chemistry so in that respect it's a much stronger basis for a relationship

My longest relationship (of 7 years) started when I was working in a pub and he came in as a customer. You know the person likes you enough if you first meet in real life and you weren't there just to seek a relationship. It's a far more natural way of meeting a partner.

But when you get older, larger and less sociable you get so you lose confidence so don't feel so at ease in pub environments hence the need for dating sites.

I see online dating as split into two categories as far as women are concerned

there's the really good looking women who could get a partner in the real world quite easily if they went out socially often enough and then there's the less attractive women who need to show some personality in order to get peoples' interest as their looks aren't going to do it for them. They like to be able to converse with men online as it's safe and non-threatening and they get an ego boost without having to go out the house. They may not even want to meet up or they may chicken out as their confidence is often low.

The good looking ones are often doing it for a dare or a laugh ie they aren't taking it that seriously plus they often don't have the kind of personality that would relate to a male who spends a lot of time online. I've seen women on dating sites put things like 'This place is full of weirdos/nutters' concerning the men on the site. I will think to myself 'What an unpleasant woman' and assume she hasn't had the reaction off the men that she was expecting.

Offline is better for me due to some of the points brought up by Boo.

*combo bump*! !

Couldn't agree more especially with your comparison to job seeking. Here in Canada it's the exact same thing: both employers and females have the upper hand and will reject you for the most ludicrous reasons (like one interview I found out later I spent a few seconds too long looking out a window) without even getting you a chance to prove yourself yet even though numbers are on their side they STILL end up with the losers who never last and are back at it again and again because they are fooled by the smooth talker and the flashy presentation.

Only when they've been burned repeatedly do employers or women finally start to look at guys like you and me and as I'm discovering now, they are usually very damaged from all the bad candidates they "hired". My GF is still noticeably damaged from the past cheaters she was with. To contrast to my career, in one job it took me a long time to clean up the mess that was left for me to handle because they kept hiring incompetent candidates over and over. I would further add that both dating sites and job sites give the ILLUSION of choice when in reality few of the posted "jobs" are actually open to the general public and the few that are are swamped with responses, mostly by unqualified people. I'm struggling a bit with my current GF's baggage but one thing I know is that I will NEVER go online looking for love ever again because if you say one thing that's open to any interpretation whatsoever, the girl was use that to reject you using lawyerly reasoning and then proceed to complain there are no decent men left. I thought there was something wrong with me until nearly every guy I spoke to said the exact same thing about using online dating for anything more than a casual relationship.

Best thread I have read in a while, although I have experienced success from dating websites and I have positive experiences, a lot of the points you made are very good.

It is true that many guys turn to online dating websites at first instead of using offline approaching and they think it is a reflection of real life which can be negative and not helpful.

it;s all good but what do you do when you can talk to women, you can approach them but you have such a ''messed up/strange/eccentric personaliy''
and can't fake being an nt either, how can a guy like me get a date ( again in real tradition way, not the women approach first way)

plus how can I get date, when all the eccentric/weird/strange women like me are always married, or in a relationship.
( at least the one's I met,are always in a relationship)
or all the women who have a common interest are married too.

Also, with the God's gift complex comes complete insanity and hostility.

Like the other day I sent a message to a young woman I chatted before a while ago "Hi ___, long time no talk", she quickly replied "I DON'T CARE, HONESTLY!!" yea, with the caps, there's a tendency for typing in caps on dating sites. Those type of women usually stay too anonymous, they refuse even to give their first names even after tons of messages.


Another young woman I've exchanged messages with, she was reacting very positively and even literally was flirting me then all of the sudden she blocked me - later I've seen profile on another dating site so I've sent her "hey, you forgot to block me here too" - and she was like "I am sorry, I have the habit to block!! too many annoying guys but not you...etc etc "; she unblocked me on the first site and after another exchange of an hour and so, she blocked me again! So I've let it go this time, later after couple of days she replied to message I've sent earlier on the other site before switching conversation to the first site, she was like "OH f**k OFF, YOU LOSER HAVE A LIFE" - so I've replied "Shut up!! Look at the date, this was an old message, I am blocking you now, bye". She unblocked me on the first site apologizing, again, saying she confused me with someone else (yeah, right).