Being lead on and dealing with rejection

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Okay I hope this doesn't come off as too whiny but I've been feeling very lonely lately. People say I'm likeable, even loveable, but because of my aspergers I can't relate to people the majority of the time. I frequently feel like an outsider and I don't really know how to build or maintain friendships.

I asked a girl out at work because I heard through the grapevine that she liked me, but by then it was too late because she heard through the grapevine that I smoke and it totally put her off.

Since reaching puberty I had stupidly been waiting for a girl to come to me and I honestly thought that this was it, but all that happened is I got my heart broken.

I know from examining the situation logically that we're not a good fit anyway but emotionally I feel terrible because every time I see her now it makes me feel lonely.

I don't regret asking her out because it was character building for me, but I do harbor resentment and I wish I didn't. Sometimes another wave of anger will hit me and I'll think about what I can do to take my revenge. But there's nothing I can do except move on.

I wish I could just experience a kiss or a hug to satisfy my burning need for some human contact but any possible relationship seems so far away in the future that I might well go insane before that happens.

It's so silly, I never used to worry this much about relationships until she came into my life and tricked me into thinking I'd found someone special when all along she was just playing games with me. She had a BF the whole time and thought I might be an upgrade, not caring at all about my feelings, then the second she found out something she didn't like about me (by asking people behind my back of course), I became a non person to her. Maybe that's what hurts the most.

I was happy being single before this happened, it's like she dangled a toy in front of a child only to say nah you can't have it. I want to get back to feeling reasonably happy with myself and my life, I think to myself how did I let myself get knocked so hard?

Logically I understand and I can rationalize the situation and move on or whatever, but the emotional part of my brain doesn't seem to think I've suffered enough yet..

Last edited by jerry00 on 29 Apr 2013, 12:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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You really think mean-spirited "jokes" are going to help someone in pain?

OP - try not to put too much into it... rumours have a way of being wildly inaccurate. Talk to this girl for yourself - maybe things can become friendly or beyond and maybe not. You'll never know unless you do it. Besides - you're already feeling rejected, so if she's no interested you have nothing to lose!
(Just remember the new rules about talking to women, be friendly and courteous but limit flirting unless she seems amiable to such.)

Not mean spirited, my idea of helping: make the bad situation funny, so every time you think about it, you laugh instead of cry.

reminds me of scary movie 2, where she told the guy, just think of me as a guy and then he goes ahead and punches her. Now that was funny.

The fact is that I don't know how to talk to her or anyone else.

I have one good friend from school who I talk to every other day or so. I get on fine with my colleagues at work, but they wouldn't talk to me if I didn't sit next to them.

That's a tough one. You need to get out and talk to people (as hard as it is) in order to find someone special... those connections are MADE by communication.

You'll have to learn how and experience is the best/only teacher. Expect to fail MANY times... try not to let it get you down when that happens.

Good luck to both of us there!

Its a catch 22. Nobody wants to make a friend who doesn't already have lots of friends.

+1 Most people on here can relate to feeling unable to connect, and feeling lonely. I doubt one girl would be able to alleviate these feelings, as tempting as it might be to think so. Keep reaching out to other people, and you will get there one day. I know it won't help at all, but I'll send a virtual<< hug>> your way...

You seem like an intelligent, thoughtful, well-reasoned person,

I've often felt stuck socially, and there have been things like this in my life that were hard to imagine I'd ever see change.

Guess what? They are changing substantially, as we speak. And they will for you too.

It seems like a catch-22, and you're largely right, that's the current situation. But it's still possible to do something about that. Using just the principle that even the tiniest amount of progress is still progress, and that progress builds, you can kind of "jimmy" or wiggle your way into more of a social life, little by little.

So it may not be natural to start making friends or ask for a relationship right from the beginning, but you're on your way there, and you can have those things in your life and you deserve to.

In the absence of friends then, just keep talking to people, a little bit here and there, and then more. You don't have to ask anyone to define the relationship, just get a sense for what makes people feel good and how to talk with ease, subtlety and warmth. Start with what you're comfortable with and expand on it a little at a time. In time, you won't have to ask for a friendship or even a relationship I think, you'll just have arrived there; you and the others will just know that's what you have between you.

Never say never, because it's not true, and everything takes time, practice and effort. But it's easier than you think, and doesn't have to be all or nothing. We just have to make the same journey that everybody else did, so just take it one step at a time and enjoy getting there.