Ocean Apart

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I am kind of sad and haven't had anybody to talk to in a while. Maybe somebody could have good advice.

I met a woman in Germany that I love(d) while I was on an exchange. She is also autistic. I thought about staying with her rather than going back to the USA at the end of it, but I could only imagine myself as being financially dependent on her, which was unacceptable to me. She was and is working on becoming a doctor (I think she has her Ph.D. already, but needs to do an internship or something like that before she officially becomes a doctor), but she doesn't have very much money yet, and she is also trying to support family members who are sometimes sick and unable to work. In any case, I don't think I'm worthy of any partner who would be worse off for having me. I had also gotten D's in all my classes in Germany, so I didn't think it would be wise to trust any education I got there to be a good foundation for a career either.

So I thought I would go back to the USA to finish my engineering degree, and then I would try to get a master's in Germany while hopefully working as a teaching assistant, hopefully teaching a class taught in English. The reason I think it might be better to try German school after I already have a degree is, 1), if I fail I have something to fall back on, 2), I will be qualified to teach something, which might allow me to use English to make money while my German improves, and 3), there won't be any problems with transfer credit if I do a program all in one place. I have told her that I was thinking about this, but I also told her I wasn't sure what I was going to do yet. I figured I couldn't do anything about it for a couple years, so there wasn't any point in making a commitment yet.

But anyway, I thought I was going to communicate regularly with her while I was in the USA, but she quit talking to me when I went back (and even a little before then). It hurt, but she whenever she did communicate with me she was hugely affectionate, and she did tell me once that it is hard for her to be affectionate towards people who are not physically near her. She also doesn't ever rely on anyone for anything, so when she has a problem I don't hear about it. I think I have figured out that my feelings of love are always associated with action, so that I feel more affectionate if I have something to do with a person. So not communicating with me for months at a time and not being very descriptive about her life does not do very well to maintain my feelings. But whenever she does send me a message I get really excited and I am glad to be writing a message to her, even if I know she probably won't respond fully. When we first met she told me all about herself and I was glad to be a part of her life, but now she is like a black box and I don't know if she likes or dislikes anything I say. I am afraid that sometimes I hurt her feelings by saying things without thinking about how she will interpret them. I tried to get in the habit of communicating my feelings to her in the relationship to compensate for having an inexpressive face and voice, but it is all raw data that I haven't even processed myself sometimes, so it might come across as mean.

So my passionate feelings for her are dormant most of the time, but I am not very interested in chasing any other girls either. None of them seem very interesting compared to her. And sometimes when I think about her I feel sad. It seems like I spent that year in Germany just so that I could learn what failure felt like.

I am thinking now that I will probably just try to avoid thinking about her for another year, but then I will bring up this subject again and ask her to give real responses to questions I ask her. I really need straight responses to questions like, “Do you actually want me to live with you?” and “Where are you going to live on X date?” The last time I asked her if she thought it was a good idea, she said that I could live with her if I had some other reason for being in Germany, which is the most passive possible response I could imagine. I don't think it is good for anyone to be passive about this sort of thing. I will of course make it clear that I will try my damndest to be with her if she wants me to when I send the message. I am thinking maybe her wishy-washy responses come from not wanting to commit herself to me more than I commit myself to her. I've decided not to send her another message about it before I am able to actually act on my words because I figured that would just make drama.

She does not like to ever say anything mean. I have noticed that she often completely ignores things I do or say, even if they are important and I was looking for a response. I first noticed this when I was sick and I was so delirious that going to the bathroom felt like ecstasy, so I wrote a poem about it and sent it to her in an email. She was very excited and happy about everything she talked about in the email, but did not mention the poem at all. I guess that is how she deals with things I do that she doesn't like.

Rough, there is no good answer for your problem. If you go to live with her, you take a gamble that might not pay off. If you don't, you might miss a chance to be with the girl of your dreams. On impossible decisions like these, I flip a coin. That way, I have something else to blame if the decision I make turns out to be the wrong one, and I make a choice quick enough before my options time out.

She sounds like a really nice woman, I guess you would be the best judge of that though. My best friend is a German lady and she has a US husband. They visited each other abroad on and off several times before they could be together. They married during her Masters degree. Then they moved around Germany a bit, and settled in New York. They are very devoted to one another. I don't think she's on the spectrum though she's very smart.

Regarding ignored online communication (like the poem), and partial responses, its probably best to not assume disapproval every time that happens. Usually its just because someone doesn't know quite what to say, especially if they feel an emotional response is required. If you make a habit of not acting offended by this, an Apsie will sometimes get back to you with a response at a later time, when the pressure is off.

Any possibility of attending an Engineering school in Germany?

Even if you don't drop everything and move straight in with her or something - is it an option to move to Germany and see if Germany itself will work out, as well as maybe dating her a bit more?

Any hard ties keeping you where you are now?

I would interpret this as "you can come but I am affraid if things don't work out profressionally you will become attached to me and a burden, so you need an escape plan", which according to your message, would be a problem because she already supports others.

I think the only solution for you is to put in place a solid pathway of study in Germany. Then you can state in no uncertain terms what you will be doing and for how long, and also promise that if things don't work out, either emotionally or professionally, you will let her go (in some capacity).

You are probably right. I was already planning on doing that as soon as I finished my degree in the USA.