I am FED up with dating being treated like shopping

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In found a girl on OKCupid. We share some intrerests, including both being fans of Doctor Who. So I wrote her, saying "Hey another Doctor Who fan! I really love this show and it's history. Which Doctor is your favorite?"

End of message. And here was her reply:

"Thank you for your message. Unfortunately, you are not a good match for me. Good luck in your search!"

I guess I should be flattered she bothered to reply at all, and she wishes me good luck, but man, what an ignorant way to approach dating. This isn't buying a used car. This is about PEOPLE. And I'm sick to death of men and women who treat dating like it's shopping....must be Catholic, must be 5'9 or taller. Must be Vegan.

And it just makes me so sad. I guess most folks can afford to be so choosy. I can't. I'm just eager to meet people, and hope that one of them I might encounter will develop into something more. And even if it doesn't, at least I've made a new connection. I try to be open minded, and I approach all kinds of people, even some with radically different views than me. I'm not looking for my twin. I'm looking to meet interesting new people.

And it's so disheartening when someone doesn't even want to have a conversation about a shared interest, that because I failed some criteria, she doesn't even want to know me.

I think I'm done with OKCupid (again). I met a couple of people, though neither returned my phone calls after our first dates. Wasn't a total failure, but not very successful either.

What can I do? What can any of us do, when we try and try, and no one will give us a shot? I feel like I'm in a baseball game, and every time I get up to the batter's circle, something happens to end the inning, and I get pushed back to the end of the shuffle. I don't ask for a home run, or even a base hit. I just want the chance to get to swing at some pitches and see if one connects.

Some people are just a**holes and you seem to have ran across several. People who are really picky and have this big list of criteria for dates are probably really picky about everything and life with them would probably be hell. Of course people have some criteria they look for and some of them may be important to them. Things like religion, politics, etc are sometimes a deal breaker. Sometimes people are caught up on one particular thing and that's the first thing they look for, so they miss a lot of potential good matches. That's on them, not on the people they turn down.

Don't let it get you down. I didn't meet my husband until I decided that I was never going to look for another relationship and I would just play the field for the rest of my life. Of course that's when I fell in love. But, maybe it happened because I wasn't trying so hard, or maybe it was going to happen at that time anyway, etc. Who knows really?

Remember, not everybody is a douchebag although there are lots of them out there.

You also treated it like shopping by writing to her based on her sharing your interests so it seems less of hating being treated like shopping and more like hating rejection and not getting the gals you shopped for.

I doubt you're so eager to meet people that you message every gal no matter what she looks like or how old she is likely you have preferences or criteria of your own in a partner.

I don't consider having preferences or criteria for a partner to be treating dating like shopping as having a partner one wants is important to having a happy and healthy relationship. Nor do I consider it being 'so choosy' for someone to not date those they don't want it's not like people are obliged to take whoever is interested in them and be happy with it.

I'm unsure how it's so disheartening that she doesn't even want to know you because you failed her criteria. You're not what she's looking for it's not disheartening that she doesn't want to know a guy who isn't want she's looking for She seems to be looking for a romantic/sexual partner and you're not a match for her it's no more disheartening than looking for an auto parts store and coming across a fabric store deciding not to stop at the fabrics store.

Being "picky" is not necessarily assholish. Some people don't have the time, energy, or interest to meet, date, or talk to a bunch of random new people. That message the OP posted was polite. Sounds like the Brianruns10 has different priorities than the people that are being messaged, in which case, they were right: these weren't good matches. Seeking that One Perfect Person is just as respecttable a goal as making a bunch of connections that may not amount to anything.

Being picky isn't assholish, but just being so curt like that is, I think. Maybe write some sort of something person on there about why they aren't a good match. It's not required, no but it is polite. It just sounded like she sent him an automated thing rather than even looked at what he said. It only takes 30 seconds to write something a little more polite.

The ones that I think would be assholish about being picky are the ones with long, exacting and somewhat unreasonable lists and then turn their nose up at everybody who doesn't meet those standards. I used to know a girl like that. Stuck up as she could be. Wouldn't date hardly anybody because they didn't qualify in some way or other. Those are the ones I'm talking about.

I can see why people would be choosy about who they talk to or meet. I have very low energy reserves for social situations myself, and the more I spend on new people the less I have for my family, friends, and myself. Past a point I'd have to ask myself why I should drain my reserves being polite and conversational with people I don't feel drawn to when I could see an old friend for dinner before going home to solitary activities that recharge me.

Making up your mind on the first message seems a bit hasty, but I can see it being even more difficult to disengage after chatting for awhile and potentially more hurtful, too. Might as well cut losses. I think the best anyone can do is to have a well-written profile as well as some good pictures and not take individual messages too personally.

Most of the time, the conversation peters out after one or two exchanges. I'm fine with that. But to say "I'm not interested in talking with you," is what's so maddening. And it's not like I was approaching it so seriously. It was so innocuous, what harm would it possibly have been What good did it possibly serve by shutting it down? It's just the fact some people are entirely unwilling to open their minds to new possibilities.

And I personally, do not shop for people. It's just that it's helpful to look for common interests because it's easier to start a conversation off. It's much more difficult to break the ice when the other person just has nothing in common. I mean, you've gotta be able to hold a conversation on SOMETHING, right?

I've written all kinds of women, of all shapes, sizes, ages, backgrounds. I try to practice what I preach and seek out all kinds of people.

I don't think "must be Catholic, must be 5'9 or taller. Must be Vegan." is really that demanding or picky of a list.
Catholicism and Veganism are lifestyles, clashing lifestyles in a relationship can cause issues.
As for the 5'9 thing, that's not exactly tall for a man..

In general, I agree with you, but in this specific instance you're being ridiculous.

With all that said, I wouldn't date a Catholic, so.. I can't judge her too much.

Also, talking about a TV show as a conversation starter is really lame... like REALLY lame, especially when you come off as a fanboy about it.
You also spelled some things wrong in your message.
Stop watching TV, get off online dating, and you might find a woman (read carefully: woman, not girl).

Agree, except for the TV show thing (and telling him to not online-date as that's his prerogative); he's probably looking for someone that would like that kind of conversation starter, and as Doctor Who is such a cult-series most people that watch it are obsessed with it. Hard to go wrong there.

It's not just more difficult, there's no point. What's left if you don't care about interests? Their photos? So that's probably wise.

I must be biased since I don't watch TV, but by the sounds of it this woman would prefer someone to mention Jesus or fruits & veggies in a first message..
I still think it's a lame way to approach a woman, regardless of how interested you are in it.

She also said she liked Dr Who though. It's like Star Trek, when somebody says they like it, they like it. It's not like saying you like How I Met Your Mother or House. I think it was fine for him to bring that up first since she had it in her profile.

If you don't have anything in common with them, don't send them a message. It's pretty obvious.
This is why I've suggested getting away from the TV, it's not exactly the most interesting thing in the world to a classy/attractive/'alpha' or whatever woman..

That's an odd assumption. If I say I like the Simpsons, does that mean I've watched all 20-30 something seasons?

Surely you must be familiar enough with trekkie-culture to know if someone compares a show to that it's not really casual viewing.

<--- Let this be a lesson to him: leave all references to TV shows at the door.