Just a Question from a NT

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Hi everyone,

I have a question. I was recently dating, for about a year, a woman who I am sure has undiagnosed Aspergers. I did not know this at all, she told me she had ADD. She has not been diagnosed with Aspergers officially.

Well, I am sure that I made just about every typical mistake a NT person would make not knowing about the Aspergers. I believe its Aspergers because I have recently done in depth research on Aspergers, and based on all the verbal information she gave me and the behaviour I can't see it being anything else.

My question is:

I am not a liar, but one of her big obsessions it seems, was not trusting me and accusing me of lying when I was not. Well we eventually broke up because it was just like I could not do anything right, ever. I got frustrated, she got frustrated, etc...

I wish I would have known about the Aspergers, OCD, anxiety, etc...because I would have made every attempt to learn, understand, and accomodate. Well its too late now, but I am so interested in know if people with Aspergers find it hard to trust people and if you do, how do NTs do a better job at understanding instead of defending?

Thank you to anyone who can help me understand better.

You did the right thing coming here for answers, but are you trying to say that you never lied to her ever? Even just a white lie? I can't speak for her as everyone with AS is different, but I know when someone hasn't told the whole truth I can pick it, not the exact mistruth but I know when things don't add up. Personally even just a white lie is enough for me not to trust.

I'm not in anyway saying that you are a dishonest person. If nothing else at least you tried to fined an answer most NT's wouldn't care enough to fined an answer, good luck mate hope I could help

Truth seems to be very important to those with Aspergers.

Initially, I would say that we are too trusting, because we don't lie, we dont expect anybody else to.
However, once this trust has been broken, and a lie is a lie, white or black, then the tool of communication has been compromised, never to be trusted again.

I was starting to go out with a girl until I discovered she had lied to me, | I finished pursuing her instantly, no point having anything to do with somebody you dont trust.

Even when I was a kid and didn't want to drink out of the same glass as my sister and my mother said she hadn't touched the glass, when I saw those lip marks around the edge I realised I had a liar for a Mother and that she could subsequently never be trusted again.

Just seen my own spelling mistake meant to say find, sorry!

Ps. to Alice in Aspie land if you read this I would love to hear from you again, I had my head up my bum for a bit there! If not no hard feelings

Can you post a couple of examples where she said you lied?

People with AS can't read body languge, vocal tone, ect. We take what you say as what you mean. You need to be very direct and straight forward with AS people.

Never assume someone with AS gets what you really meant. If you are not clear and direct, we won't get what you are trying to say.

Hope this helps.

I agree that truth is very important. If I find out someone lied to me, no matter why, that hurts more then the reason behind it. After someone lies to me, I will never trust them with anything again.

Aspergers take truth to the book in a lot of cases and can be unforgiving even if you aren't lying but not sharing the whole truth.

^ This. Most importantly, for us Aspies, when you say you are going to do something, you had better mean it. I can't tell you how many people let me down because they didn't keep their promises and then offered no explanation for why. Especially my dad. He's deceased now, but it was one of the darker corners of our relationship.

Last edited by mattarga on 28 May 2013, 10:06 am, edited 1 time in total.

Bolded part: This could stem from the AS tendency to take verbal information literally..word by word..and skip the contextual/emotional/jargon/pop culture based references that modify what was said into a different meaning.

The best way I can explain it is that we listen to what the words say not how they are said. That could end up in situation where you say something that is untrue yet the way you say it conveys a different message.

A good example is a simple thing like when someone asks you to do them a favor and you're very tired and don't want to do it.. you politely tell them a little white lie of 'sorry but I've got to be at X place at that time' ...

if she was the one receiving such an answer and she knew you did not have any commitment at that time, then you're lying and worse, she picks up that you dont want to do it but on top of that you chose to LIE to her about it to get off the hook...and it hurts to think you believe her that stupid that she would believe that lie.

..whereas most NT's would pick up the unspoken politeness of the white lie to refuse and think nothing of it.

I tend to have constant suspicions about people lying to me. I shrug most of them off because I know I think to much. I never claim my suspicion of being lied to unless I have a really strong suspicion, which doesn't happen often.

As to white lies, I understand the reason for them and can appreciate why someone would give a white lie, but I would still always worry about what the truth was, and I don't like having to worry about things as I worry too much about everything else already.

My husband does not white lie to me. On one hand it is refreshing, on the other it can be infuriating. Not because I want him to lie, but because I want him to NOT think the thoughts he does LOL

For example:
"Do you think I look fat in this?"
I wish he would just say, "It doesn't lay right on you. But you can wear it if you like, as you always look beautiful to me no matter what."
Instead, he will give me silence or a look, and I want to strangle him LOL

Because truth of the matter is, I'm not fat and it really has to do with what a person chooses to see. My husband would focus on my love handles instead of the rest of me, and I wish he wouldn't do that.

Another example:
"Does this look stupid on me?"
I wish he would just say, "It doesn't match well. But you're the most beautiful woman to me always no matter what you wear. In fact, I would love it if you wore that other outfit you know I love..."

So, I don't want to be lied to, I'd just prefer he knew how to help make me feel good without having to compromise the truth

Last edited by mikassyna on 28 May 2013, 2:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

forget her. maybe she is an aspie, but she is also a woman (a crazy one, apart from maybe being an autist), and when you cant get along with a woman, sometimes, it is just not meant to be.

actually, I trust people very easily and i am always very naive. because why should people lie to me? so I dont suspect anything.

Us Aspies have difficulty understanding subtle cues and thus take things as gospel (e.g If someone says jokingly "Get outta town" we might think this was an actual request). Some people do exploit this it could be she might have been in an exploitive relationship(s) in the past and the pain might still have been raw.