NT/AS Relationship Meltdown

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Hello,

I am a 24 year old male NT who has been recently dating a 25 year old male suspected-AS. We have been going out for the past 5 months, and things have generally been going well except for a few hiccups along the way. One hiccup included him essentially ignoring me and my feelings after my grandmother passed away 2 months into the relationship. A few other moments where I realized that if he wasn't going to get his way (cooking, activities for a day, etc.), the day wasn't going to work out. We'd eventually choose to work to make the daily schedules together so we both took part in developing our fun. Further, at the very beginning of the relationship, he told me he always wondered whether an open relationship could work as he has met an older couple who made it work. I told him right off the bat that we should not pursue this if this was his plan.

A few major life stressors have recently entered both of our lives. I'm a medical student and have had a busy schedule, and he's a software engineer. We were both planning on moving to NY for a year in the summer from SF. He would be moving to NY one month before me, and in the back of my mind, though I know he never cheated and he assured me he only had eyes for me, him having never lived anywhere other than the bay area of CA, I was afraid he would choose to leave me and pursue sexual freedom in NY from the newness of the situation.

Over the last two months of our relationship, we began to see each other more, take mini-vacations down the coast, met his parents for dinner (initiated by him), talk about how happy we made each other, etc. I should also note that before we officially dated, he pursued me hard for almost 4 months, writing me love letters, and taking me out on numerous casual dates and to his formal.

We had reached the point where two weekends ago, I said I love you, to which he replied the same, even re-telling me in the middle of the night with a smile on his face. However, after this day, his communication shut down to almost zilch. Part of this was from the fact that he was prepping to move to NY in the next 2 weeks and was in the process of getting apartment and other types of planning. However, being confused, I asked him how often he would like to contact me, as I was surprised that after saying something that usually accelerates a relationship, he slowed it down to almost a standstill. He then got really snappy with me, and told me he was wrong to say he loved me, and that he's been thinking about the open relationship thing the entire time. He also said that liking/loving me was an experiment to see if he was capable. I started to cry, and he texted me saying that he did love me and that he was harsh with his words and we would work it out the next day.

The next day he called, and said that he meant everything he said, and that he would want to break up and communicate again when I got to New York. I asked him what if I allowed there to be an open relationship, to which he got really excited and called me the best. I really was surprised how something like that could about face him 180 degrees. I saw him the next day, and while we were seeping together, I told him I can't do it, to which he didn't understand, saying I had seemed so "reasonable" the day before. Further, he explained that other than with me, sex didn't have any emotional valance to him, and was just something he needed to do to get off. Sex with me was MUCH better than with other people due to the emotional connection, but he knew while he was in NYC, he wouldn't see me as much and didn't want to be so tempted to cheat from need to fulfill his physical itch. I tried to explain why he couldn't see that doing that would hurt me, but he just didn't seem to get it. When I asked him again about his definition of love, he said "it's thinking about someone or something night and day all the time." I explained it as a partnership where people grow together. When I asked him to explain how he felt about me, and why he would take me to meet his parents and the like, he answered:
"You are the most meaningful person I've ever met in my life. I've never shared so much with someone and felt so comfortable doing it. I feel like a better person when I'm with you. When you smile and I look at your face, I am the happiest guy in the world. I feel weird when I wake up and you're not there. I'm not ready for a family yet, but you would be the kind of person I would want to have a family with. You feel like home and whenever I'm with you, I feel like my problems go away. I couldn't imagine not having you in my life. Our sex is the best and the definition of special"

I was so confused. I told him, that is what I think love is or could be, and he just sat there confused. When I told him I would need to not contact him for a while and block him to get myself back on my feet after breaking up, he broke down into tears and told me he doesn't want that. He just needs a break to think about his life. He said he wouldn't even need to sleep with other people. After that, we hung out for the rest of the day, and I thought I would feel fine, but the next morning I broke it off with him through an email as I felt the itch of the open relationship wouldn't get scratched until he explored it himself. He also has pressure from random people he met out in NYC who told him he can't go there in a relationship. (When I asked him who these people are, he said friends, who I then asked how many times he's met, and he said once or twice... he doesn't cue onto the fact that people may want to sleep with him and have ulterior motives. I was made to feel crazy about that on numerous occasions. When I asked how many "friends" he has in NY that he's known for more than a month, he stated 2 of our mutual friends, who he did not ask about the situation).

After the breakup email, where I essentially told him we're in different places in life and I'll need some time to heal from this, but I understand where he's coming from, I blocked him on all fronts. I don't expect to hear from him anytime soon as he's still in the process of moving, changing jobs, and getting ready to settle in NYC. I fear for him though, as he doesn't have very many close friends, and he's going to NYC thinking it will change him in some way, and as he's never lived outside of a 1 hour radius from home, I don't think he realizes how lonely he might be, though he's social enough that I pray he finds good people to hang around with (granted NYC gays tend to be pretty shallow... he's more of a lay down in the park and relax kind of guy.)

My question stems from whether this is a meltdown where there is too much going on in his life and when it settles, there may be a chance for reconciliation? He did tell me he thought the move, the job change, and the relationship were a lot of work, and something had to give (making it open or breaking up would remove one of his mental stressors that was currently on his plate... as if he couldn't predict into the future that he may regret it later on (if regret is something that really occurs)). It seems like what he explained to me is love, but I've also heard that some people with Aspergers don't know where certain emotions are coming from, and he may not be able to tie the positive emotions he was feeling to me. He's told me he's missed me in the past, but if he's fed up with the situation, can he reflect to see that how he feels about me could be something that deserves more once the dazzle of moving goes away? Or was I simply an obsession, that he got bored of, and going open was his way of easing his transition out? I wouldn't want to believe the last one given that he's BRUTALLY honest about everything, and his final words and crying make me believe he really does love me, but just can't sort it out. But then can't he easily get another obsession in NY, and I'm gone forever?

This has all driven me quite insane as it feels like love, but I get no feedback. I don't want it to destroy my ability to see love in future relationships. I also want to know that he is OK, but when I wrote him a message saying I hope the move is going well, he didn't respond, and I've not asked any mutual friends about how he's doing. Can anyone give me perspective on if this reaction is normal and will resolve or if I'm done? I understand that relationship compatibility may be an issue that we shouldn't date in the future, but we're not terrible as friends, and I don't want to punish him for something (sexual addiction??? misunderstanding feelings??? unable to understand my feelings??? unable to role play the events of his future self???) that other people could use their emotions to sort through. I feel he's suffering from a case of Grass Is Greener Syndrome, but I'm left not knowing if I'll ever be in his life in any way again (we have a lot of the same friends though.)

Advice from any AS/NT couples or anyone, please

After my recent breakdown before a vacation I went on, I had a breakdown and was forced to call off any friendship with a friend I had dated for a couple weeks because in my mind, I couldn't see how being friends would be "beneficial" to her. I also realized that I felt forced since she turned around on me a week later and turned out to be confused about her feelings between me and her ex. The one before her did the same thing to me and I simply didn't want to play things out that way again. The life events that were stressing me out at that point: I work for a union job and we were about to go on strike, I had a two week vacation to South America (Peru) coming up and didn't speak any Spanish, and my brother was getting married (he lives in Peru). My mind and feelings feel much more clear now.

His actions are likely to alienate himself from the friends both of you have and that you probably won't be abe to trust him again in any capacity. I fear he will be completely on his own.
I wouldn't worry about any possible obsession that might have played out. He just sounds stressed out about life events and confused about the feelings that come with it. Give it some time to see what happens.