Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

Messages

Page 1 of 2 [ 18 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

rainbowglowing
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 21 May 2013
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 19

22 May 2013, 4:47 pm

:heart: I adore my boyfriend. I am NT he is AS.

I have been reading and learning from this forum for the last month and it has helped me understand how to better communicate with him.

One thing - Sometimes he is selective in what he replies back to. Any ideas as to why?



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 114,768
Location: the island of defective toy santas

22 May 2013, 5:17 pm

hiya Rainbowglowing :) welcome to our cool club 8)
it could be because 1] these questions cut to close to the bone for his comfort [IOW they are about touchy subjects] or 2] because he simply didn't comprehend the question in the first place, at least not enough to ask "what?"



rainbowglowing
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 21 May 2013
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 19

22 May 2013, 5:26 pm

:D Thank you.

here is an example -

Me - Thinking of you :D hope you had a nice day

him - day was bad how was yours

Me - my day was ok. Why was your day so bad?

no reply...................................so I send another message later - hope you have a restful sleep and tomorrow is not such a bad day.

He replies straight away - goodnight.



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 114,768
Location: the island of defective toy santas

22 May 2013, 5:44 pm

rainbowglowing wrote:
:D Thank you.
here is an example -
Me - Thinking of you :D hope you had a nice day
him - day was bad how was yours
Me - my day was ok. Why was your day so bad?
no reply...................................so I send another message later - hope you have a restful sleep and tomorrow is not such a bad day.
He replies straight away - goodnight.

AHA :bounce: you asked him to explain his feelings or to open his heart to you, which some aspie men have a hard time doing. a lot of men in particular seem to have a limited palette of conscious emotions and have a hard time letting other people know about their sadness or anxiety. it might also be a macho thing, not wanting to discuss feelings. this wasn't very helpful I know, but I tried.



rainbowglowing
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 21 May 2013
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 19

22 May 2013, 5:53 pm

:D You have been a great help. Its a new experience for me so I'm learning lots everyday about how to interact with him.



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 114,768
Location: the island of defective toy santas

22 May 2013, 5:57 pm

rainbowglowing wrote:
:D You have been a great help. Its a new experience for me so I'm learning lots everyday about how to interact with him.

he just might be better at expressing himself in writing? not in text messages but in something like a page-long journal entry? just a thought. I myself am not so good at encapsulating my feelings in a text message, IOW I tend towards verbosity.



rainbowglowing
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 21 May 2013
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 19

22 May 2013, 6:00 pm

He did say that he much prefers face to face interactions with me. At the moment we only see each other at the weekends. Also he dislike calling me so text messaging is the only way .



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 114,768
Location: the island of defective toy santas

22 May 2013, 6:04 pm

rainbowglowing wrote:
He did say that he much prefers face to face interactions with me. At the moment we only see each other at the weekends. Also he dislike calling me so text messaging is the only way .

I guess I muffed it, it would seem that maybe he doesn't write as well as he speaks?



smudge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,716
Location: Moved on

22 May 2013, 6:04 pm

auntblabby wrote:
rainbowglowing wrote:
:D Thank you.
here is an example -
Me - Thinking of you :D hope you had a nice day
him - day was bad how was yours
Me - my day was ok. Why was your day so bad?
no reply...................................so I send another message later - hope you have a restful sleep and tomorrow is not such a bad day.
He replies straight away - goodnight.

AHA :bounce: you asked him to explain his feelings or to open his heart to you, which some aspie men have a hard time doing. a lot of men in particular seem to have a limited palette of conscious emotions and have a hard time letting other people know about their sadness or anxiety. it might also be a macho thing, not wanting to discuss feelings. this wasn't very helpful I know, but I tried.


Agreed. The thing is, I don't know why.

So...why?



rainbowglowing
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 21 May 2013
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 19

22 May 2013, 6:08 pm

auntblabby wrote:
rainbowglowing wrote:
He did say that he much prefers face to face interactions with me. At the moment we only see each other at the weekends. Also he dislike calling me so text messaging is the only way .

I guess I muffed it, it would seem that maybe he doesn't write as well as he speaks?


its such a new relationship anytime I approach him and gently ask him why he does not reply to my messages he mumbles "I dont like messages and phone calls. I like face to face"



rainbowglowing
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 21 May 2013
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 19

22 May 2013, 6:10 pm

smudge wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
rainbowglowing wrote:
:D Thank you.
here is an example -
Me - Thinking of you :D hope you had a nice day
him - day was bad how was yours
Me - my day was ok. Why was your day so bad?
no reply...................................so I send another message later - hope you have a restful sleep and tomorrow is not such a bad day.
He replies straight away - goodnight.

AHA :bounce: you asked him to explain his feelings or to open his heart to you, which some aspie men have a hard time doing. a lot of men in particular seem to have a limited palette of conscious emotions and have a hard time letting other people know about their sadness or anxiety. it might also be a macho thing, not wanting to discuss feelings. this wasn't very helpful I know, but I tried.


Agreed. The thing is, I don't know why.

So...why?


Do you mean he is overwhelmed but may not know why



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 114,768
Location: the island of defective toy santas

22 May 2013, 6:10 pm

smudge wrote:
So...why?

it could be that [at least in America] boys had their little ears bent by their fathers, with words like "take it like a MAN!" "what are you, a girl?" [in response to a boy crying] IOW it is drilled into many boys that only girls express feelings other than anger. so many boys internalize their fathers' machismo and grow up to be emotionally inarticulate. but some boys manage to escape this fate [like myself :oops: ]



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 114,768
Location: the island of defective toy santas

22 May 2013, 6:13 pm

rainbowglowing wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
rainbowglowing wrote:
He did say that he much prefers face to face interactions with me. At the moment we only see each other at the weekends. Also he dislike calling me so text messaging is the only way .

I guess I muffed it, it would seem that maybe he doesn't write as well as he speaks?


its such a new relationship anytime I approach him and gently ask him why he does not reply to my messages he mumbles "I dont like messages and phone calls. I like face to face"

so why not just bring this up with him the next time you are F2F?



rainbowglowing
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 21 May 2013
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 19

22 May 2013, 6:17 pm

auntblabby wrote:
rainbowglowing wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
rainbowglowing wrote:
He did say that he much prefers face to face interactions with me. At the moment we only see each other at the weekends. Also he dislike calling me so text messaging is the only way .

I guess I muffed it, it would seem that maybe he doesn't write as well as he speaks?


its such a new relationship anytime I approach him and gently ask him why he does not reply to my messages he mumbles "I dont like messages and phone calls. I like face to face"

so why not just bring this up with him the next time you are F2F?



I will. I am trying not to make any mistakes as initially before I knew he was AS I almost ended the relationship as his actions were not at all what I was used to.



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 114,768
Location: the island of defective toy santas

22 May 2013, 6:19 pm

rainbowglowing wrote:
I will. I am trying not to make any mistakes as initially before I knew he was AS I almost ended the relationship as his actions were not at all what I was used to.

yes, he is a whole new world for you to explore. he is the road less travelled. and you both will be all the better for it.



smudge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,716
Location: Moved on

22 May 2013, 6:21 pm

rainbowglowing wrote:
Do you mean he is overwhelmed but may not know why


I have no clue, lol. Shame?

auntblabby wrote:
smudge wrote:
So...why?

it could be that [at least in America] boys had their little ears bent by their fathers, with words like "take it like a MAN!" "what are you, a girl?" [in response to a boy crying] IOW it is drilled into many boys that only girls express feelings other than anger. so many boys internalize their fathers' machismo and grow up to be emotionally inarticulate.


I've thought that. It's with the most emotional types of aspie guy I've met...they seem especially awkward with expressing their emotions in words. The pain is literally written on their faces.

auntblabby wrote:
..but some boys manage to escape this fate [like myself :oops: ]


I actually think that's really cute! I love sensitive men. They're usually scared off though by my great ability to decipher my emotions. :wink: