NT woman dating an AS man - punctuality (or rather lack of)

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A newbie here, have been lurking around the forum but this is my first time posting. I've been dating a man I am convinced is AS for about 4 months and things have been pretty good so far, even though he isn't big on sharing his feelings or the biggest romantic he is very big on hugging and kissing.

What has been causing a lot of friction between us lately is when he'll say he'll call me (right back or tomorrow) and then doesn't and that he is always late meeting me (we're talking sometimes over 2 hours) and doesn't let me know if or why he is running late. First I was calm and asked him to please not say he'll do something that he then doesn't do and to let me know if he's going to be late so that I am not sitting around waiting for him. Nothing has changed, rather this is getting worse, with me in tears on two nights in a row, him promising he'll work on it.

He also used to text me most mornings and most nights, 'good morning x' and 'sweet dreams x' but that stopped when the drama started.

I need some advice here, does this mean he's lost interest in dating me and wants out but can't find the words or do I just need to give him some space?

Or he could just have real problems with managening his time?

That's probably very true, it is just frustrating and feels very disrespectful that he doesn't seem to have a problem with being on time for other things in his life, like the gym and the cinema, both play a huge role in his routine.

The gym is good for him. I would believe though that he may need another hobby to take up.
When some drama starts, and I would guess that he might not have any relationship experience, the Aspie is likely to believe the end is near... or at least that was my mentality during my earlier dating experiences. It sounds as if some problem solving skills between the both of you need work (more on his part from the sounds of things). I don't know what to say about his punctuality since I am on the opposite side of that equation.

    You are in tears when he's late?
    AND you're trying to change him?
    AND you're only 4 months in??
    AND you are convinced he is the damaged one (AS)?

this is typical 'GIRL MOVES'. (which BTW, real women don't do, usually) (plus -you poor, poor thing!- you probably thing I'm yelling at you)

do yourself and him a favor, dump him and get a dog you can control.
you'll probably want a small dog.
a yappy, jumpy dog.
something you can put diapers on and play dressup with.
something that's not too hard for your dad to bury when you forget to feed it.

That's quite mean and unproductive. This girl is making an effort to understand her Aspie.

In this instance his AS isn't an excuse for his behavior. He can go to the movies and other stuff but he can't be bothered to text? Sounds to me like he's disinterested and a serious talk needs to be had.

If he isn't moved by your tears that isn't a great sign.

No one's excused from having basic courtesy for their loved ones if not for everyone else.

Try to ask him if he's into the relationship or wants to break up. It can't hurt.

There was a similar topic not long ago maybe you can find and read that one, might have some stuff that could help you too.

His behavior may be AS-related, but that's not a universal excuse.
Tell him what bothers you and how much it bothers you.

"Dump him" may sound rude, but there's no point in a relationship that gives you tears, either.
So if things really don't work out, it's finally the logical consequence.
"Threatening" to leave him is probably not a good idea, but clarify that you don't want to go on like this.

If his AS makes him incapable of maintaining a relationship, that's very sad for him. But there isn't so much that you can do about this.

^Short, eloquent, & true.

lots of aspies, me included, have executive function problems, which include managing time. i have tended to run late all my life. he may be doing the very best he can. you should decide if you can live with it. if you can, drop the requests for change, as it is harming your relationship. if you can't, just break up with him.

I gotta admit, this one threw me for a loop. I totally expected the roles to be reversed.

I can def understand how being 2 hours late would make you very upset, especially if it happens without any kind of notice and more than once. That really isn't acceptable behavior.

I would suggest discussing with him specific ways he can do better. With modern technology, it should be easy to set reminders, or alarms.

If he needs to pick you up at 6pm, have him set an alarm at say 5 to get ready, and 530 to leave to get you.

If nothing helps, then you may have to consider that breaking up his the best option. Relationships should make your life happier, not miserable.

I'm an aspie male...and I do stuff just like that guy! often when there's any emotional pressure some of us feel a need to isolate or escape the situation. it doesn't mean he doesn't like you..it could actually be the opposite and this makes him more worried about the situation. maybe... its best to talk to him openly and make a strategy...probably HE should make a strategy to fix this..and clear penalty if he can't follow what you guys agreed on. don't talk to him for a week if he breaks the rule,etc.. Aspies can't follow others demands well..but if he can't follow what he says he himself will do you probably need to make distance.

Thanks everyone for your helpful comments, I think the best course of action for me is just to back off, give him space and see what happens. I have made my feelings for him quite clear so the ball is in his court, if he wants out so be it, if not then hopefully we can work around this somehow.

See what happens if you stop focusing on the punctuality-. Maybe be a little tardy yourself! this doesn't mean his behaviour is entirely acceptable, but just ease up a little on the drama, as you put it, it might help.

Because it's totally ok to show up 2 hours late for a date.

OP, this is a rude-person thing, not an AS thing.

1401B's response was entirely inappropriate.

It might be an As issue, it might not be, but it's not ok to be 2 hours late to a date.