I think I'm beginning to see a pattern here...

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Yes, this is yet another NT girl post in need of advice on her Aspis guy/friend/whatever the heck he is to me.

Alright ladies and gents, settle in and get ready for a long story of epic proportions of I-don't-know-what-I've-gotten-into.

A bit of backstory would shine some light on the subject I think: let's start from the beginning, where all good stories do.

I've first saw C**** at my freshman orientation for college. There wasn't anything much said between the two of us, he just smiled at me and went on about his business of passing out flyers for the religious organization he's a part of. My first gut instinct upon seeing him? "Oh, look, Bubbles (my best friend with me at the time), a hot redhead!" And that was the end of that.

Then came the beginning of the end, as I like to call it. As I walked into my Intro to Anthropology class, almost two years later, there he is. Sitting middle front row, as bored out of his mind as 85% of the rest of his class (I don't know why, I very much enjoyed the class and the professor). Of course, that's when the crushing began. And boy did I crush hard on him. It was actually pathetic really.

Intro the Anthro played out, him with his typical Aspie self with zero indication that he was at all interested in anything besides the possibility of early dismissal; me with my hardcore pining. The closest he got to me was moving his seat unexpectedly in the middle of the semester to the vacant one beside me. I was reading The Lost World by Michael Crichton and we did have a conversation about the parallels between John Hammond's experiments in genetics and Frankenstein and his monster, which delighted me to no end. But afterwords, nothing else was said about friendship. There were offhand remarks here and there in reference to the lecture, but all in all, very little communication. And before I knew it, that semester was over. I was disappointed, but I got over it.

Then there came March 18 of this year. The day I made the willing decision of visit the building on campus were he lives. Yeah, I know, it was all in a vain hope that I'd be able to see him from afar and go home and squeal and do my little happy dance in the privacy of my room but, for someone like me, horrendously shy, just getting there without passing out was something to brag about. So of course, he comes walking into the living room area and plops right down next to me. To wrap up my almost mental implosion in a tight ball, he "asked me out," his words were "Have you ever brought a boy home (to meet my mom)?" I said no. *I've never even kissed anyone!* And his reply was, "Well, how 'bout it?" I chalk this sudden advance of courage up to being at home and in his comfort zone. But I said alright. Then he became iffy, saying that we wouldn't see each other much, because our schedules and lifestyles were so different, which I understood, he's an avid churchgoer and I'm more often than not busy with work and family. I told him that it would be okay; I was still completely infatuated with him.

Now, we've been 'talking' (what the hell does that even mean) I suppose, for a while. He hasn't asked me outright to be his girlfriend, but I think we came to a nonverbal agreement, of sorts. I agreed, in front of his friends (I'm not much of a person who has scores of friends, now that I'm "with" him, his friends are, by default, my friends), that I was his girlfriend to keep the questions (boy, oh boy, do they have questions!) at bay.

Now that spring classes have ended a while back, we don't see each other as much. I know that I'm not the center of anyone's world and that Aspies need solitude sometimes but four texts over three weeks isn't much to go on. He's been busy with finding a job to help with his expenses and I work at a veterinarian's office so my hours are hectic to say the least, which does cut even more into our time that is salvaged.

I also have to ask, he keeps, well not pressuring me, but insisting strongly that I become active in his church. I'm not a person who enjoys the public eye and large groups of people, whereas he can't get enough of socializing. Is this something that Aspies typically relish, may I ask? The large groups of people?

I am not a very assertive person. Unless something is wrong or someone is hurt, I am more than happy, ecstatic even, to let someone else drive the boat, me offering my opinions when asked. I let C**** and his best friend lead the conversation all the time, them speaking emphatically about their views on religion, marriage, and race, and even though my views don't match in the least, I don't say anything for fear of upsetting anyone. In my defense, I don't want to offend anyone and when I get flustered, as I always do when someone disagrees with me, I stutter and blubber and can't even make it through my preplanned explanation/defense of my views and why I see things that way.

Needless to say, I think I built him up in my mind to be something he's not; that I made him over so much in my head that I never thought he'd be anything but perfect...

I'm not posting this to look for sympathy; I would like to simply see if there is any advice that could be given to ease the strain that seems to permeate every aspect of the "relationship."

Feel free to let me have it in your replies, I don't mind at all. I more than understand!

I do wonder... how well do you actually know him? It seems to me that your assesment that you built him up as something else in your mind could be true. Also, how do you know he really has AS? People with AS in general do not like groups, just so you know, although individual cases may vary. Also, sorry if I am being intrusive, but have you two done anything romantic?

disagreeing with him on issues of religion, race, and marriage doesn't bode well for a deepening commitment.

From a pragmatic, AS perspective, the ideological gap can be closed only if you're interested enough to include it in your worldview without compromise in everyday life. I, as something of a humanist, had a difficult time dating a Catholic girl I had a similar relationship with in high school. Ultimately I still accepted some ideas she didn't, enough so that I never learned what those ideas were. However as an aspie I should point out that any grievance I have with organized religion is overshadowed by value I place on spirituality. You won't learn about someone's perception from their devoutness (or lack thereof) but from them. Ask, and tell him to keep it in secular terms! Furthermore, I'll note that schedule and location inconveniences are molehills next to the mountains of social pressures telling us on the spectrum not to do anything, ever. Your friend already overcame the latter, so if he doesn't end up as your partner, it's only fair you stay in contact, to both of you.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Sounds more like a first love crush than any possibility of being serious and long lasting.

The love crush feels very overwhelming, your not in control, you can't think rationaly, you can't believe it's not a match made in heaven. I think everybody gets some of these first up in there dating carreer.

Try to be prabmatic about it. Love is intense, but you must see through the shimming lights to the harsh reality lurking benieth.

When personalities match, there is deffininetly sparks flying in the night sky, for both of you. Aspie or not.

I believe you have a crush. It's the start of bigger things.

Above all else, be wise.

Too much back story. I am not reading all of that.

Ah. First time crushes. I go through one every ten years (more or less). Your story brings back memories. They are painful. I think GregCav said it very well.

I am not one to give romantic advice. I cannot even tell if a woman actually likes me or is just being nice because I'm not a jerk about it. So I'm useless. Wish I wasn't because I would like to give you some pearls of wisdom. I think there others that are doing very well with that.

The point that ShatBat brought up about how you know he has AS was one I was wondering as well?

I thought you sounded more AS then he, but then that leads me to a question (jumping laterally two or three leaps) that cannot be answered here. Research time.

Good luck. You sound like a sweet young woman and I wish you the best.

The title of your post is, "I think I'm beginning to see a pattern here..." What pattern is it?

The only pattern I can think of is that to get girls, I should look hot and ignore ignore them, and when one of them gets a crush on me, I make advances on her and have her do things for me, but don't do anything in return, and distance myself when she tries to get close.