How often do men approach women platonically?

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DevilKisses
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20 Feb 2016, 2:46 am

I know that when guys randomly talk to girls in public it's almost never platonic. Even when it is "random", it's often just an excuse to talk to a girl non-platonically. I don't want to lump all men into one category. I'm sure they talk to women in a platonic way once in a while. I feel very uncomfortable with non-platonic interactions, so I often gravitate towards gay men or men who see themselves as my mentor. How can I make it clear I only feel comfortable with a platonic relationship. My body language gets awkward and anxious when I'm dealing with them, so I think I send a lot of wrong messages.


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Yigeren
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20 Feb 2016, 3:27 am

I really wish I knew. I'm horrible with deciding whether someone is flirting or just being nice. It's actually something I've been concerned about lately.



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20 Feb 2016, 4:12 am

well, as a guy. I cannot say this for all men, but I have a three prong rule

1.unless a girl visibly flirts with me FIRST, (and it has to be dead obvious as I am dense) I will make every point to only appear as a possible friend.

2.if they are a work person, such as a waitress or someone working at Fast Food joint, I immediately avoid any and ALL flirtatious comments. It is simple really, they are PAID to be nice.

3.if they are not working, I have not noticed a flirt; and we have very little in common, I will find the quickest way out of the conversation politely.


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Spiderpig
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20 Feb 2016, 5:22 am

DevilKisses wrote:
How can I make it clear I only feel comfortable with a platonic relationship. My body language gets awkward and anxious when I'm dealing with them, so I think I send a lot of wrong messages.


That much would be really easy with me: "I know you're dying to have some sort of physical intimacy with me. Guess what? Not gonna happen, sucker!".


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20 Feb 2016, 5:34 am

there really isn't much harm to a normal conversation with someone. as long as they aren't aggressive or obviously flirting, you can just act normal about it.. they aren't hurting anyone. but if it's truly making you uncomfortable, just give short replies. people don't like talking to people who reply with only 2 or 3 words.


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goldfish21
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20 Feb 2016, 1:50 pm

In the initial conversation you could say something that indicates you're not looking for anything more with them.

ie "My boyfriend.." or even "My girlfriend.." indicating you're taken. Or, if appropriate, you could tell them you just got out of a relationship and are enjoying your solitude for the foreseeable future. Or you could indicate that you're focused on an interest, studies, hobby or something so intensely that they realize you're only interested in that thing and have no time or desire for a relationship and that it would be a waste of their time and energy to try to pry you away from that special interest because it's all you're focused on.

Or, knowing yourself, maybe you just really are better off having a "GBF" as they say (gay best friend) and just having a platonic friendship with a gay guy because it's just so much easier than trying to figure out how to keep things platonic with others. Nothing wrong with that approach at all if you happen to have a gay dude in your life that's an ideal platonic friend to you. Also nothing wrong with seeking it out as there may be some local gay guy with similar interests and friendship desires.


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kraftiekortie
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20 Feb 2016, 3:06 pm

More often than you think--especially in non-pickup venues. It happens all the time in places like jobs and practical-life sorts of situations where men and women deal with each other as HUMANS. Men don't always think about sex, and neither do women.

The best thing to do is stick to human topics, and avoid gender topics.



Spiderpig
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20 Feb 2016, 3:33 pm

I don't get why everybody seems to imply you can't perceive sexually attractive humans as humans.


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rdos
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20 Feb 2016, 3:39 pm

I never approach women I have a romantic interest in. I admire and flirt at a distance, and if they don't reciprocate, nothing more than that will happen.



rdos
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20 Feb 2016, 3:39 pm

Spiderpig wrote:
I don't get why everybody seems to imply you can't perceive sexually attractive humans as humans.


Maybe because people in general cannot? :wink:



DevilKisses
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20 Feb 2016, 4:05 pm

Spiderpig wrote:
I don't get why everybody seems to imply you can't perceive sexually attractive humans as humans.

You can't. You can try your best to tone down your feelings, but I can always sense sexual undertones. It drives me crazy when I just want a platonic interaction.


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kraftiekortie
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20 Feb 2016, 4:41 pm

When I say "human," I mean a situation where gender is de-emphasized and humanity (as a collective of men, women, and non-binaries) are emphasized.

Men and women work and non-binaries work together towards common goals all the time. Men and women and non-binaries strike up friendships all the time where sex is irrelevant to the relationship. They don't always think about getting into each other's pants.



Aristophanes
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20 Feb 2016, 5:01 pm

I'm with Spiderpig on this one. I just basically don't approach women at all, rarely on forums even, because the common interpretation is that I'm playing some "game" for something other than conversation. Doesn't matter that I'm high on the asexual scale (I can count the number of times I've felt sexual attraction on one hand, pun away) and really just want to be friendly and get to know someone. It's a sad state, I actually prefer female friendships far more than male ones: males are hyper competitive about too much s**t that just doesn't matter while females tend to be more into collaborative interaction like I prefer.

To this day I'm perplexed when a woman gets offended that I want to know about her interests and not her assets. I mean the number 1 complaint you tend to hear from females about males is that they're pigs that only care about sex...then when you're not that guy they totally lose their s**t. My theory is that basically no one wants to be objectified as only the sum of their physical parts, but society trains women to believe their only value is their sexual assets. Therefore when a man doesn't display overt sexual interest, even though that's what the female wants is a pure platonic friendship, she doesn't know how to react because on one hand she doesn't want to be objectified but on the other she's been trained to seek out that objectification as a form of social validation.



DevilKisses
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20 Feb 2016, 5:17 pm

Even when men are not sexually attracted to me, I still notice gendered dynamics that I don't like. Like kraftie said, some interactions can be be focused on your humanity instead of your gender. I don't like gendered interactions with women too much either. It's fine for a while, but it gets superficial and unsatisfying. Gendered interactions with women feel more like a game than an actual interaction. All these annoying gendered interactions make me want to disassociate with having a gender all together.

I could identify as agender, but that will make me stand out as special snowflake. Since being a "special snowflake" is coded as feminine it will only make my situation worse. It also draws attention to my gender and that doesn't help my situation at all. I'd rather draw attention away from it. Dressing super androgynously will only draw more attention to my gender.

I just dress however I want. That happens to be feminine or hipsterish clothing. I'm happy with a female body and appearance. I just hate gendered interactions with a passion.


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Yigeren
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20 Feb 2016, 5:55 pm

I'm not sure what a gendered interaction is. If it means something that is exclusive to males or exclusive to females, I am generally not interested in those things.

But I'm not interested in most things that other people like. I don't necessarily care whether I'm interacting with women or with men. The underlying personality is more important.

The only trouble I have had with men is that many have had feelings for or sexual attractions to me, and I was unaware of it until they hit on me, or admitted to those feelings. It has led to some awkward situations. And also some dangerous ones.

I am afraid that I give some men the wrong impression by being friendly, even though I behave that way towards everyone. Or maybe they just see an opportunity. Even though I mention that I'm in a serious relationship, it makes no difference.

I feel like I have no way of detecting whether or not a man is sexually or romantically interested in me, and it makes me very uneasy.

I don't think you should worry so much about what everyone thinks. You can't please everyone.



Sabreclaw
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20 Feb 2016, 8:50 pm

I see no reason to speak to women platonically. If I want friends men do just fine. The problem with women is if I spend too much time talking to them I could end up developing feelings for them, which is a major problem. So I solve the problem by not talking to women when unnecessary.

I've got nothing against women. It's simply to stop my own emotions from running wild and causing me discomfort.