talking to a woman not sure what to do next or just move on

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Okay I am currently on OKcupid and I have been talking to this woman for about 3 weeks or so. She basically said she was intrigued by me but said I was not a match per se. Needless to say we have been talking and it seems like she still has interest but the next part is where it is getting a little weird.

First of all if I do not send a message to her she does not initiate at all only if I send a message first. Generally the conversation is extremely casual and not long and drawn out usually a few messages back and forth about daily life. Basically just small talk and I am doing fine. I always have something to say back.

The next thing that started happening more recently is giving me red flags. I felt that we had talked for a little while and I thought we could just meet for coffee. So I asked her and she said she already had plans. And then she said she would be more free during the next week since my son will be away and it will give me more time to go out. So can we work something out? I then said how about next tuesday or Thursday night. The next thing she said was "that sounds lovely, I will check my schedule and get back to you. Well that week has already passed and I heard nothing.

I then waited about four days with no contact. I felt I should maybe back off a little. Then 2 days ago I sent another message and she mentioned nothing about not letting me know about the little coffee date. So I guess I decided to mention it again. It has been two days and no response. Should I make it clear that I really only want to meet her and see if there is a connection if there isn't I would like to be just friends.

At this point I think I should just blow the whole thing and not send anything at all ever again. Who knows after a week she might send a message wondering what happened. My gut is telling me she is avoiding the issue.

The other thing is she is talking about how she has a few problems that I will not mention here out of respect for her. It just seems that she is trying to send hints that she is not interested although I could be interpreting this all wrong she is a very busy single mother with a full time job. Although this could all be made up. This is why I do not like meeting women online since you have no idea if they are who they say they are.

Anyways, I just want to do the right thing here and not get all crazy or something and send another message this soon about the date which is really not a date at all just going to coffee.

The reason I want this is because I cannot really tell if I am into someone without meeting them. I cannot really feel any sparks but it is really hard to do this through a computer screen. Honestly I would love to continue a friendship with this lady and I am not really that interested in actually dating her at least from what I have been feeling so far. If I started to have feelings after we met and she did not than I would probably end the whole thing at that point. But like I said I feel I would like to be friends with her since I think it would be good for me to have another female friend since I only have one right now. I mean I honestly do not have loads of friends so having someone I could hang out with who is a women would be fun without any expectations.

My rule of thumb is to try 3 times.

1 for an honest busy schedule

2 for a fence sitter

3. for a last charge.

Sorry she is not interested in you.
She isn't going to reject you and say no, because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings and it is not nice rejecting someone. So she is kind of blowing you off.

It's ok. Just move on.

If she was interested in you, she would make time to see you.

But why go to all the trouble to respond in the first place. That does not make sense she said she wouldn't of said anything if she was not interested at all. I do not really interpret that line about being a match per se as a rejection. If someone wants to do this then this a pretty bizarre way of showing lack of interest.

It's polite to respond. Also I think she did find you interesting so wanted to chat with you, but she isn't interested in you relationship wise.



That's what she said.

Well that's what I think.

I don't think women reply online just to be polite. Maybe she saw something and was a little curious.

Oh okay I understand. I mean honestly I only want to be friends as this point should I tell her that? Maybe she thinks I am interested in dating her. I mean I wanted to try but I am just not feeling anything with her except friends.

I am assuming she wants to be friends at this point. I mean it seems to always turn out this way. I mean I am interesting and I am jut not sure why I never attract women. I mean my confidence seems ok and not bad or anything.

I mean do I just need to send like hundredns of messages to hundreds of different.

I mean I have tried the advice to comment on the profile and ask a few questions a method which only works 5% of the time.

The problem is that by responding this gives the impression that they are interested and then to just blow you off. It really pisses me off. I feel disrespected and I am thinking they are not even giving me a chance. The point is most women if they are not interested do not even respond once. I mean I am tired of reading about all these aspies who have relationships and I cannot seem to get one. I need professional help because I cannot deal with this anymore. I am trying to get help but everyone says I need to work on myself.

Oh I read this wrong before. I mean honestly this person is extremely busy it seems and has a lot on her plate. I mean that is why I did not just move on because she always responds almost immediately when I send a message.

I do not know my emotions are all over the place. I need perspective. I am getting brain overload.

I think your backing off after setting up the coffee date/meet was a bad sign to her. Since the meeting was a week later, it would be more appropriate to stay in touch and continue talking the way you two did. The fact she didn't hear from you was probably a red flag for her.

You do what you like, it's your life.

If she wants to be friends that is good, if she doesn't that is ok to. Remember it's a dating site not a friendship site.
If you have feelings for her relationship wise it's probably not a good idea to be friends with her.

Last edited by MR_BOGAN on 29 Jun 2013, 8:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hmm you have a point there. Honestly I thought it would be safer. I honestly was taking the advice of only talking briefly and talking only to set up a time to meet and leave the long conversations for a face-to-face. I made the mistake with the last person of having four hour conversations with this woman. And then when we met it fell through.

I fact is I said lets do something tuesday or thursday and she told me she would find out her schedule on monday. Should I have pushed her on tuesday to get an answer. I was just avoiding being too pushy because I do that sometimes. I mean I should of asked since it does not take a whole week to figure out your schedule for the week in question. Maybe she meant her schedule in the future.

I think I backed off too much since I was worried about being too pushy. I need to find the right balance between the two.

I mean I think that somehow I gave a "false-positive" where she interpreted my behavior as "not interested" when I was actually interested. "False-positives" happen a lot with "aspies" because we give the wrong signals at times.

Well ,honestly it takes me awhile to have feelings for someone plus I have to actually meet them in person to gauge it better. I can tell when I am attracted to someone because I get really really nervous around them and I get "butterflies" and my face gets all hot.

I guess I want to take a chance on friendship and then if I feel those feelings I just call it off. I mean I probably will not feel that with this person since this only has happened to me like 8 times in my life all crushes actually. I just know when I am attracted to someone and I usually have no exact reason for why I am attracted. I just am. Something about them that turns me on and not just phyiscal it is their personality or their mannerisms. Plus it is mostly a feeling without any logic.