Getting a Date?

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So, I mostly lurk, but given that I'm sick of people just telling me to socialize and go meet people and find someone that way, I'm asking here. I've only been asked out twice in person, otherwise I've used a dating site. (I'm female. It seems more guys post about stuff like this here.) Neither have really seemed to work out well, and I've never actually met a guy who's not in a relationship who wants one--at least not that they've said. I tend to like guys somewhat older than me, and they seemed more interested in casual dating.

I've graduated college, I'm soon to get my first car (provided I can pass my driver's test at some point...), I have my own apartment, and I just started my first full-time job. I'm not overweight, I'm working on trying to not look like a geek who lives in her parents' basement , and I have to learn to tolerate makeup for my job. I don't really understand what my age group does to socialize as I'm not much for drinking (I have one drink and am done unless I get a little excited about trying new things and overdue it), and that is all they seem to do here.

I don't like going to new things--I almost didn't go to my Aspie group because it was a bunch of middle-age men, and I was nervous. But they've turned out to be great! I get along better with them than I did with most anyone in college.

I just feel like I'm 22 and never going to have another date ever. I don't want to do online again because one guy I dated seems to follow me wherever I go and stalk me. (He keeps trying to get me to go out with him again because we're both single, and he won't take no for an answer.)

I do not get asked out very often by guys I know in person. I have therefore done the online dating thing. My previous bf I met online through OKCupid but that relationship ended after 4 months. My current possible bf I met online and have been talking to for a month. The biggest thing is weeding though the crazy number of messages that get sent for the guys who actually want a long term relationship and have somethings in common, and who agree with general life ideologies/principles.

I am a guy but I think I have some universal advice that would work for both male and female.

I would say the most important thing is to be yourself. By doing this and putting a profile out there I guarantee there is someone out there for you.

Another thing would be to find someone with the same interest as a starting point. I mean if you like hiking there are groups of people that get together and meet for that purpose. This happens with pretty much any type of activity. They have what they call "meet-up" groups that have hundreds of different activities that are specific to that group. There are even "Aspie" meet-up groups that go out and do various activities. There are so many options for this type of thing.

Another thing, they have online are "niche" dating sites. But there are generally way less people on these so your options are pretty slim with these types of dating sites specific to a certain lifestyle. I mean they have ones specifically for geeks called geek 2 geek, ones for goths, punks, LGBT lifestyle, even "aspie" dating sites, virgins, pretty much anything you can think of they have it for dating sites that are more tailored to what you are into or your lifestyle.


These are just some ideas to help you start.

Maybe try to initiate contact as it is way more accepted these days for women to do this. Also really just try to have fun and do not get stressed out about it.

Another thing if you are on a dating site. Maybe there is someone a friend who can assess it and make sure it is a good profile. Heck try posting it on here I have seen people do this. well they link it from OP or whatever or they say hey I would like someone to look at my profile and tell if there is anything I need to change or remove or even add.

Also keep in mind you can talk to a lot of people and still have trouble getting past a first date or even getting the first one. This happens to everyone even NTs.

Honestly I have been not really been putting myself out there on dating sites enough so I have talked to about a dozen different women and only got three dates out of it and none went past the first date.

But do not give up. It is work to get in a relationship. It is just harder for us (not impossible) aspies because we lack the social skills that come natural to most NTs. Not all though there are plenty that have difficulty in social situations I mean people with maybe social anxiety or something similar. Or if they are just too shy.

I'd suggest trying to join organizations in your area. Volunteer organizations or hobby groups (hiking/running clubs, astronomy groups, that kind of thing). I've volunteered a lot with Habitat for Humanity and have had nothing but good experiences. They're both a great way to meet people, and usually the people you meet through those type of things are of a pretty high caliber. My second suggestion would be to try and get comfortable talking to people and engaging in small talk, if you aren't already. And thirdly, if you haven't been asked out much, try asking some guys out yourself! Even if he says no, I think that the vast majority of guys would be flattered at the least, since that sort of thing doesn't happen often for us.

As for dating sites, I don't think that you should completely abandon the idea, but try the above options first. I think that dating sites are a good way to meet people, but you do have to be cautious meeting with strangers. For example, when I meet someone from one of those sites, I don't provide them with any personally identifiable information, such as last name/residence/workplace, until we've gone on at least 2 dates and I'm reasonably confident they aren't crazy lol. So far though out of ~10 people I've met from them, they by and large pretty normal and down to earth.

And yes, in that age group, most people just go out, get drunk, and act crazy to socialize. But trust me, there are plenty of people out there who aren't like that and have a wide range of other interests, it just can sometimes be a bit harder to find them.

Jeez.... and they call US the socially dysfunctional.

As a female you should not be having this problem. You can literally go up and ask for sex and have a 75% sucess rate. Asking a guy out on a date is about 99% sucess rate. How many guys have you asked out? If the answer is zero and you are just expecting to be asked out and not do any work then this is your problem. Girls need to learn there is nothing wrong with asking someone out. If you want guys to ask you out then maybe you need to be more approchable, work on your apperance, and body language.

It's very easy for us to have this problem. Fear can be a big factor.
I don't have this problem, I guess b/c I look younger than I am or something, but I tend to be taken advantage of easily, so I kinda hide in RPG's for my own safety... I'm overly gullible and I know it. I don't trust myself to tell the good from the bad. I'm not really wanting to go on a date with unknown guys though.

I'm super rambling again, sorry. and hijacking the thread.

Unless she's the next Kate Upton or something, it may be a bit harder than you think, particularly for someone with Aspergers, and I don't think that it's right to trivialize her difficulties. And from the sounds of her post it isn't one-night stands that she's after. I do agree though on the asking-out part, many women play far too passive a role and then wonder why they aren't magically falling in love.

In high school I asked about 3-4 guys out. I got rejected every time. And in college I asked one guy out and also got rejected. 0% success rate and it hurt. So yes, girls do get rejected.

Given that I don't know who that is, I don't think I do. I'm not uber ugly, but I'm not particularly attractive, and my idea of well-dressed generally involves baggy clothes (and I don't have the best hygiene). My idea of socialization at school was going to class, avoiding most everyone except the teachers, bothering some people at work, and talking to my mother on email.

The only time I really got asked out in high school was a prank that kind of back-fired on them because I'm suspicious. Right now, I go to work, talk to my parents, go to the school job that finishes this summer on the weekend, and go to my Aspie group. I don't really "notice" people when I'm out, and I don't generally think about liking someone unless they start it in some way. I don't really pick up on flirting, and I don't know how to flirt. If I was a guy, I'd probably never ask anyone out either, as I don't really like talking to people I don't have a reason to talk to (like being at a work orientation). In theory, I can understand how posture affects the way they're perceived, but in practice, it doesn't really mesh.

I wouldn't like it if a total stranger came up to me and asked me out, so I don't really get why I'd do it to someone. I don't think anyone is asking for me to ask them out either, given the teasing I've gotten from all corners--including my mother.

Your posts present conflicting information. One sounds like you want a boyfriend, the other doesn't.,

I would suggest changing some of the things you identified (better hygiene, more feminine clothing) and then put yourself in a place to meet people and smile a bit.

(ETA: I forgot to say I haven't been feeling well the past couple of days, but I've been reading.)

I am interested in dating, but I don't get the whole walking up to a total stranger thing. I think that's creepy. I mean, I don't need to in-depth know a person, and I'm willing to ask someone I've talked to coffee or something, but I'd at least like to talk to the person a little. I'm easily creeped out, especially after some bad experiences.

Thankfully work is taking care of some of my problems as I have to be "business casual" five days a week. I've tried going to coffee shops and stuff to "meet people", but I feel awkward and go hide in a book store. No one has ever talked to me, smiling or no.

But I look at the way a lot of women my age dress and cringe. I like wearing skirts and these cute knit tops that are flattering and stuff, and I have a thing for capri pants, but I'd honestly rather wear burlap before wearing what my age group does. I can't go shopping alone unless I see something that I adore (those cute knit tops)--I think most everything in the store is ugly and run away to the book store. The only guy I dated for any real amount of time only kept dating me because of my cooking as I wasn't plump enough for his liking. He didn't care what I wore ever.