Marriage, pending divorce of possible Aspie

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Billbaggins
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08 Jul 2013, 6:17 pm

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and after reading around on here I figured I would toss this out for consideration, comment and hopefully some help.

I married my Wife 17 years ago and things were pretty darned good for a while but in the last 10 or so, there has been several bad spots and now what appears to be the end.

When we met, it was the love at first sight thing for me. She was and is beautiful. I was military and she was the nicest person I had ever met. We lived together for 4 years and got married as I was due to get reassigned and it just seemed the right thing. We were happy but in retrospect, there were signs that something was different about her.

I will try and lay it out as best as possible and honestly. I am trying to save my marriage, one because I love her and the kids and two, because I don't think this will be good for her. Please be honest with your replies and let me know if I am off base at all.

Let me preface with the fact that we have two girls. One that just turned 16, looks and is very much like me. Outgoing, vocal, does very well in school and aspires to be a writer and psychologist. Our second daughter looks and acts very similar to my Wife and 3 years ago was diagnosed with Autism/Aspergers. I have long felt that my Wife had some level of the same but really didn't recognize it until I began understanding my daughter.

My Wife is the one intimating divorce and her rationale is that I am a mental abuser. I have asked her on many occasions what she means by this and to try and give me some examples but she tells me she has already told me. I am a man and I know we don't listen sometimes but, I have been doing my best the past several years.

She will always assume that I am saying something negative about her when I make posts on Facebook, even if it has nothing at all to do with her. She scrutinizes them and derives some meaning. I have recently found screen grabs, one titled "billssh!ttypost". It was about the new Android tablet I had tested out and did not like. Because my buddy made an off color comment after that included her, it somehow became me talking neagtively about her.

I have asked her to please attend joint counseling but she refuses and tells me she has enough problems on her own and that I should get counseling.

Typical behaviors for her are paranioa, low self image, shying/walking away from any conflict or stressful situation. She obssesses over her profile pics on FB and takes upwards of 60 or so before deciding, applies filters, touches up and then posts. if someone doesn't comment on it positively, she has actually come to me and asked "Why do you think nobody commented on my picture? Is tehre something wrong with it?" She also tells me not to post pics of my kids because they may not like how they look. I have talked to my daughters and they could care less. I still ask though.

We cannot have any kind of argument and she appears to not take non-verbal cues that I may be upset or hurting in some way. Always has to feel as though she is hurting worse than me and dismisses my emotions. Most often stares at me and offers no support or says "Well I am sick too!"

When I first met her we went to a car dealer and she was terribly uncomfortable. The thought of having to deal with the pressure sale terrified her and she couldn't say no.

That is all for now and appreciate your responses because I am juggling a lot right now and there is much more to the story.



benh72
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08 Jul 2013, 6:51 pm

Billbaggins wrote:
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and after reading around on here I figured I would toss this out for consideration, comment and hopefully some help.

I married my Wife 17 years ago and things were pretty darned good for a while but in the last 10 or so, there has been several bad spots and now what appears to be the end.

When we met, it was the love at first sight thing for me. She was and is beautiful. I was military and she was the nicest person I had ever met. We lived together for 4 years and got married as I was due to get reassigned and it just seemed the right thing. We were happy but in retrospect, there were signs that something was different about her.

I will try and lay it out as best as possible and honestly. I am trying to save my marriage, one because I love her and the kids and two, because I don't think this will be good for her. Please be honest with your replies and let me know if I am off base at all.

Let me preface with the fact that we have two girls. One that just turned 16, looks and is very much like me. Outgoing, vocal, does very well in school and aspires to be a writer and psychologist. Our second daughter looks and acts very similar to my Wife and 3 years ago was diagnosed with Autism/Aspergers. I have long felt that my Wife had some level of the same but really didn't recognize it until I began understanding my daughter.

My Wife is the one intimating divorce and her rationale is that I am a mental abuser. I have asked her on many occasions what she means by this and to try and give me some examples but she tells me she has already told me. I am a man and I know we don't listen sometimes but, I have been doing my best the past several years.

She will always assume that I am saying something negative about her when I make posts on Facebook, even if it has nothing at all to do with her. She scrutinizes them and derives some meaning. I have recently found screen grabs, one titled "billssh!ttypost". It was about the new Android tablet I had tested out and did not like. Because my buddy made an off color comment after that included her, it somehow became me talking neagtively about her.

I have asked her to please attend joint counseling but she refuses and tells me she has enough problems on her own and that I should get counseling.

Typical behaviors for her are paranioa, low self image, shying/walking away from any conflict or stressful situation. She obssesses over her profile pics on FB and takes upwards of 60 or so before deciding, applies filters, touches up and then posts. if someone doesn't comment on it positively, she has actually come to me and asked "Why do you think nobody commented on my picture? Is tehre something wrong with it?" She also tells me not to post pics of my kids because they may not like how they look. I have talked to my daughters and they could care less. I still ask though.

We cannot have any kind of argument and she appears to not take non-verbal cues that I may be upset or hurting in some way. Always has to feel as though she is hurting worse than me and dismisses my emotions. Most often stares at me and offers no support or says "Well I am sick too!"

When I first met her we went to a car dealer and she was terribly uncomfortable. The thought of having to deal with the pressure sale terrified her and she couldn't say no.

That is all for now and appreciate your responses because I am juggling a lot right now and there is much more to the story.


To put things in perspective, I am a divorcee with a 13 y/o daughter, though I have since remarried.
The refusal to attend joint counselling is a dead giveaway; if she is not willing to attend joint counselling and she is the one that raised the subject of divorce, then she has already made her decision.
That said, it would definitely benefit you attending some counselling, as what you are going through is very difficult, and you should get some help and support as you go through this terrible and painful process.

A marriage can only work if there is meaningful communication, love, commitment and understanding.
It doesn't matter if your wife is an Aspie, paranoid, or has any other disorder or illness, she is still your wife and you are still her husband, and if you both cared for one another and wanted to be together you would not be posting on this website, you would be sitting down and talking to her.

You can't make your wife attend counselling, but if you get some counselling yourself you may learn some tools you can use to help you communicate better with your wife.
Remember though, the fact she has mentioned divorce indicates she may not want to put any effort into saving the marriage and if this is the case, as painful as it may be you will need to accept that - it isn't easy, but there is no other option if she won't help save the marriage.

What's important is that you don't forget your beautiful girls; talk to them, spend time with them, and make sure they know they are loved by both of you. Too often kids are the silent victims of marriage break ups, and they show no signs until later in life when they face their own difficulties in relationships; that or they show obvious signs early in which case it can be easier to spot and treat, but likely they are already having difficulty but not showing it, as you and your wife are too busy focussing on your marriage difficulties.

I won't address the issue of the way you and your wife treat each other, and her assertion you are abusing her, only you know what you are doing and whether it is all in her head or not, but regardless it is impacting your marriage, and contributing to difficulties so whatever the cause it needs to be addressed. If she won't attend counselling with you or on her own you will need to step up to the plate; to fail to do so must makes it a game of brinkmanship, and that is no way to live, nor to work out marital difficulties!

So to sum up, forget blame - it only complicates conflict and becomes a self propelling vicious cycle.
Get some counselling for yourself - it may help you deal with the difficulties, it may help you work on resolving conflict with your wife, but it will certainly allow you to vent in a safe environment if nothing else.
Remember you married your wife because you love her, sometimes loving someone means accepting difficult truths, such as that you aren't so compatible, that the dynamic has changed in the marriage, or that the difficulties you are facing may mean the marriage won't survive.
Whatever the case, you need to talk to someone impartial and only a counsellor or psychologist is equipped to help in the way you need.

BTW - I attended one joint counselling session with my ex wife; she refused to ever get any counselling herself, considered the joint session a waste of time, and never resolved our differences - even now coming up to 12 years later there is unresolved stuff as she refuses to communicate or take me seriously - I'm the one with a "mental disorder" (undiagnosed Aspie, previously diagnosed depression and anxiety)
She's been single ever since, has moved house and changed jobs on average every year since - I've remarried still live in the same place after 9 years, and have a loving supportive wife - the ex may have my daughter living with her, but who do you think has the happier life?
All you can really do is be true to yourself and love your family and communicate as best as you can, it's up to everyone to do their bit to hold families together, but you can't force your wife to be reasonable or communicate, you do have to love her and respect her though, regardless of what happens.



Billbaggins
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09 Jul 2013, 12:29 pm

Don't think I am looking to place blame. I am trying to fix or at least understand why this is happening. I love my wife and my kids. As far as talking, that is what I have been trying to do for years. Any discussion ends up being perceived as an attack.

I would love to talk and have requested joint counseling for all of us. Always refused.

I am going to counseling for myself because I need it. She has been going for decades and has been on Zoloft and other drugs. Same issues since before I met her.

I am not placing blame, I want to understand