Thoughts on Flirting

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From what I've read, seen other people do, and experienced myself, the way flirting works with humans seems to assume that the guy can tell if he is interested in the woman just by looking at her (no one ever talks about women falling in love at first sight), and the whole interaction takes place as a way for the male to demonstrate that he is worthy. It is like the only thing that women have to bring to the table is their fertility, and then men compete for it by trying to demonstrate things like intelligence, social skills, status, etc.

I was thinking that maybe this process is as much a problem for me as the nonverbal aspects of communication because I'm demisexual. I can tell if a woman is pretty by looking at her, but I am not sexually attracted to her unless I form some sort of emotional connection first (I think porn is boring). So when I try to flirt with women, I generally try to find out more information about her so I can decide if I would really be interested in a relationship, but the woman generally makes finding out ordinary information about her extraordinarily difficult, even if it looks like she is participating in the flirt (I think playing hard-to-get is kind of inherent in flirting). And then she often acts like she is confused or hurt if I don't feel like moving things forward after a while.

After reading a couple posts about how men are intimidated by smart women, I realized maybe that men weren't intimidated by it, but just weren't attracted to women who broke the rules of flirting. Smart women who have accomplished something with their smarts are probably proud of what they've done and want people to recognize their accomplishments, but trying to prove yourself in flirting, like I said above, seems like the man's job. Maybe when women demonstrate that they've actually got some skills, men interpret it as the woman trying to prove herself, and that ironically makes her less valuable, because he already likes her enough because of her looks, and trying to add something on top of that is like trying to compensate for something.

And I was just thinking that maybe this is part of the reason why men tend to get into more serious, well paying jobs than women. Men feel like they have to compete with other men to prove that they are good, and to earn cash, whereas women don't feel that sort of pressure at all.

sounds like you hit the nail on the head there.

there seems to be a game being played, with stupid rules, that benefit maybe 40% of the population who are just the average schmuck. and everyone else has to pretend they know the rules or pretend they think the rules are good even though they suck.

My ways:

#1 --- Be confident
#2 --- Be bold but not obnoxious, stubborn, or overbearing.
#3 --- Non-creepy eye contact (don't stare, but just look in a friendly, relaxed way) works in your favour, so take advantage of it. It also demonstrates confidence
#4 Be clever with word play, ironic humor, set-ups (when you see an opening for a non-offensive joke; it's all gotta be context-relevant stuff). I highly suggest studying wordplay, humor, irony, etc
#5 Don't get butt-hurt. Even beautiful, intelligent people can still be turned down. That's life.

Yes, a lot of this IS playing a game of sorts. Little rules and stuff. However, if it's someone you're attracted to - better yet, click with - this is actually VERY fun. It actually becomes less of a requirement and more of an opportunity to enjoy a playful experience. Getting really in synch with someone. Shocking with wit, solving tension with relief. Switching between discussion of shared interests and moments to say something that works in your favour. Laughing with someone. It's all about stirring up good emotions, from subtle all the way to the intense and ecstatic. I think gaining skill and experience in successful communication and emotional response inducing language skills, coupled with confidence, will ultimately make flirting more about the playful side of socializing rather than the intimidating and arduous mess of tasks that it may initially present itself to be.

I have never clicked with anyone, and I have never enjoyed flirting. Several times in High School I appeared to have successfully followed the rules in flirting, but since the woman never reciprocated my effort, I was never attracted to her. When I got women via "flirting," I either never made an attempt to have sex, or if I did, I lost the erection repeatedly.

I think the whole idea of flirting is very dishonest, apart from being exhausting and unfun. The only thing that has ever felt natural to me has been to walk up to a girl I think is pretty and say something like, "I think you're pretty and I'd like to get to know you better," and it has never once worked. Sometimes I even got very unpleasant rejections when doing that. But people basically seem to say that all the time with their body language when they flirt, so the only reason I've ever been able to come up with why that line is socially unacceptable is that normal people never have to explicitly communicate their emotions, so they trick themselves into thinking that they have more noble intentions than they actually do, or maybe they assume that people are being insincere if they have to resort to explicit declarations of emotion. Or maybe talking about how a girl is pretty is code in NT language for wanting to f**k her, which means that there cannot be any honest discussion strictly about the physical appearance of a woman, since this connotation always comes with it. But that is always the initial attractor, so it is frustrating to me to have to come up with some BS excuse that no one really cares about to start a conversation.

Also, even when a woman is playing hard-to-get, she expects you to pretend like you care about her feelings. This is impossible, because if she is playing hard-to-get, that probably means that the guy doesn't know anything about her apart from what she looks like, so it's not likely that he wants anything at that point apart from sex. It is confusing and exhausting to do all this double-think, and I cannot respect a woman who expects me to play this sort of game, who who can be fooled by it.

That is why I highly recommend intensely studying wordplay, humor, and the use of language in social context. Even the "that's what she said" joke helps you understand some of these concepts at a basic level (finding set-ups for humor). It certainly helped me. I'm pretty sure you're just generally lost/inexperienced with advanced communication/social skills, not only women alone. Seriously, studying this stuff is GOOD. Especially mastering ambiguity. <-----Big one there.

Took me years, but I now appreciate what socializing is. Flirting has only become better for me as a result. I look up to people like stand-up comedians. They are masters of something that in fact can be an art: communication and using language to stimulate emotion (although in positive ways... not like how psychopaths do LOL).

I have no fear, I just go up and talk to the ladies.In fact,talking to the ladies is easy for me,
a little too easy. maybe Im too comfortable around the ladies,where I say and act however
I like,which is probaly the reason I don't get dates.

I spent more time studying this stuff than I spent on school work when I was high school, I spent over $1000 on books and things related to social skills, and I have succeeded before in getting into a relationship and in getting into bed with women I was not attracted to. I don't think I lack enough experiance to know that I strongly dislike the whole thing.