Delay Wedding for Dad's New Issues?

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My son, who is 10, has Asperger's and lives with me. His father and I divorced a few years ago, but they visit about 7 days a month. Some background into the marriage:

We never planned on having children, but were gifted with our son anyway. His father never could come to terms with this change of plans, and was extremely distant with his son and did not participate or take in interest in his life; he became increasingly emotionally and psychologically abusive towards me. He had a separate, secret life outside our home; his co-workers and friends did not know my son and me existed, and we did not know of them. We finally divorced when my son was 8, but were able to do it in such a way that my son adjusted very well and very--surprisingly--quickly.

His father decided a little over a year ago that he wanted to be a part of my son's life, and now spends quality time with him. My son, finally getting the father he so desparately wanted, has come to idolize him. Despite my personal feelings towards his father, I have encouraged this relationship and tried very hard to foster cordial communications. This has gone very well and my son has been able to easily transistion between our two homes with very little disruption.

I became involved with my fiance over a year and a half ago. When things became serious and we started discussing marriage, I went to my son's therapist to discuss the best way to introduce my fiance to my son. At her recommendation, I told my son that I was dating someone, answered all of his questions, and let my son tell me when he was ready to meet him. After about 6 weeks of questions, he told me he was ready, and they met. They hit it off right away, because both my son and fiance were emotionally prepared. When we got engaged 6 months later, my son was looking forward to the marriage and having a step-dad. We still decided to wait 9 more months for the wedding (5 months from now), just to make sure.

His dad and I agreed during the divorce that we would let the other parent know about any of these big changes before telling my son so we could both prepare him and be watchful of behavior changes. I contacted his father before each of these events to both let him know, discuss the therapist's recommendation, and come up with a plan.

Now, with the wedding 5 months away, his father finally broke the news to me that he is engaged to a woman who is now several months pregnant and they are moving into her home in 4 weeks. Although all of these things are fine on their own, my son does not even know his father is dating anyone, and we have very little time now to prepare him. We also have very little time to prepare his father's fiance because she has never even met my son and has no experience with Asperger's. My son has already very clearly stated that he never wants a sibling, and has been having an extremely difficult time dealing with the impending birth of his first cousin. The therapist is currently on vacation, so I am posing this to all of you. This is going to be a very difficult transition in a very short amount of time. I am very angry at the situation and lack of understanding by his father, but this has already been done, and now I need to figure out the best way to prepare him. Although I very carefully integrated my son and fiance and they have bonded well, should I postpone the wedding until my son has been able to fully comes to terms with his dad's changes? I worry that waiting until he is stable again before making another big change will, in itself, be traumatic and start to degrade his sense of stability; however, I also worry that too many changes at once will be traumatic.

Thoughts?

I reckon that you should go ahead with the wedding, as planned.
Your son seems to be totally okay with that.
He's expecting it to happen, and I think that it would provide a sense of stability for it to go ahead as planned.

As for the other stuff, I really don't know what to say about that.

Did this dad character's fiancee even know about your son's existence, until very recently (if she even knows now ?) ?

I would suggest that you be quite stern with this dad character, and insist on him telling you ASAP how he intends to explain his situation to your son, and how he intends to prepare his fiancee (because she should be in a fit state for your son to talk to, when he next visits his dad) - then make it clear that you expect him to get on with doing that promptly ; before there's even less time for your son to come to terms with the new arrangement before the dad bloke decides to move house.

Are you ever both in the same place at the same time ?
This guy sounds immensely dodgy and/or flakey, so perhaps it might be a good idea to say that you want to be there at the same time, when he's explaining his life choice notions to your child ?

I second everything LadyWoofWoof said. His dad is not behaving appropriately at all or putting your son's best interests first. If I were you I'd be very alarmed. You haven't had any warning about this new person entering his life and have no way of knowing (nor does his dad or even the fiancee herself) how she will deal with your son. So if I were you I would try to get together in person if possible; if not do it on the phone; and tell him that you want to meet his fiancee ASAP and talk to her about the issue, and that you want to ease your son into the new situation even if that means decreased visitation for a while (if you think that would be helpful.) If he's not cooperative, perhaps try a mediation service.

For the future, if you don't have one already, you need to have a custody/visitation agreement and parenting plan in place and make sure both of you stick to them. If you're getting along well right now it may seem unnecessary, but particularly if he's going to pull stunts like this, I guarantee times will come when you WILL need it. It's better for ALL of you if there is a structure in place that you can refer to, especially as your son gets older, so that you aren't responsible for figuring out everything as it arises and therefore breeding resentment.

And no, I wouldn't put the wedding off. This is your life, your son is happy about the wedding, and it would be unfair to both of you to postpone your big day because of his dad being a jackoff. Go ahead with your plans and address the problem with his dad in other ways, would be my two centimos.

Thank you both for the perspectives.

His father has just never been able to see farther than his own nose. As upset as I am over this, I am trying not to react too strongly (outwardly, at least), to preserve the peace. The better my communication with him is (no matter how difficult for me), the easier it will be communicate and (hopefully) work with him on the best plan of action.

I was able to work out with him that he would tell my son he is with someone now (which went very well today), and then wait until the therapist returns before saying more. He agreed to take my son to the next appointment, and (thankfully) to include the soon-to-be stepmom in a session just for them.

He does not want me to meet her (yet). He is dodgy and cannot help keeping secrets just for the sake of keeping secrets. I know I will meet her in due time though, and as long as he is willing to work with the therapist and involve her, I will have to be content with that for now.

He is so used to keeping things from me that even years after the divorce, the thought of exposing any part of his life makes him lash out at me. Now that we are divorced, I am better with treading lightly as long as it makes thing better for my son in the long run. Definately makes it more difficult for me to hold these things in, but I cannot allow my feelings to end up hurting my son if I let them out.

Get on with your wedding. Your ex does not deserve to have influence - much less control - of any aspect of your life.