Is it wrong to cheat if no one finds out?

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JanuaryMan
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14 Jul 2013, 1:54 pm

Kurgan wrote:

Why is there less stigma attached to a woman cheating on her boyfriend than it is to a man cheating on his girlfriend?

The same reason there's a stigma about women that sleep around (the derogatory namecalling) but little controversy about men doing the same thing. People are idiots.

Stargazer43
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14 Jul 2013, 2:02 pm

Kurgan wrote:

Why is there less stigma attached to a woman cheating on her boyfriend than it is to a man cheating on his girlfriend?

If there is, I certainly wasn't aware of it.

EmberEyes
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14 Jul 2013, 2:04 pm

Kurgan wrote:

Why is there less stigma attached to a woman cheating on her boyfriend than it is to a man cheating on his girlfriend?

I don't think it's more socially acceptable for a moman to cheat, rather the other way around. Maybe it's an american thing?

Kurgan
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14 Jul 2013, 2:07 pm

Stargazer43 wrote:

Kurgan wrote:

Why is there less stigma attached to a woman cheating on her boyfriend than it is to a man cheating on his girlfriend?

If there is, I certainly wasn't aware of it.

If a man cheats, he's a pig and everyone cheers on his ex when she goes through an elaborate revenge scheme (destroying his pricey car, publicly humiliating him, etc.). If a woman does it, it's romantic and the man she's cheating on is expected to just man the f*ck up and will be seen as petty if he tries to get back at her.

LookTwice
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14 Jul 2013, 2:26 pm

@OP in your profile it says you're male, so that lead to a bit of confusion

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JanuaryMan
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14 Jul 2013, 2:32 pm

LookTwice wrote:

@OP in your profile it says you're male, so that lead to a bit of confusion

What's confusing about it? Gay people cheat on their partners too you know :lol:

LookTwice
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14 Jul 2013, 3:04 pm

JanuaryMan wrote:

LookTwice wrote:

@OP in your profile it says you're male, so that lead to a bit of confusion

What's confusing about it? Gay people cheat on their partners too you know :lol:

It's confusing because some people address the OP as a woman, while others have addressed the OP as a man. I first assumed it was a woman (reasonable default, I suppose), then saw Fnord's posts and confirmed that the profile says "male", but then I had a quick look at OP's post history and so figured out that OP apparently has a vagina, which I took as a strong clue that OP is actually female.

aspiemike
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14 Jul 2013, 3:11 pm

OP... the reason you aren't going to be sold on justification/responsibility is because you don't want to hear the moral speech from everyone else. I don't blame you for not wanting moral reasoning from others. That being said, consider your own boundaries or morals. However, you may have to consider the boundaries and morals of everyone that could be affected by it.

Considering Fnord's argument about what adultery is, and also considering that you mentioned the world "partner's brother-in-law." you have to consider that maybe it's adultery for him to cheat, but not for you. He has more to lose than you do if caught.

Fnord
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14 Jul 2013, 3:31 pm

aspiemike wrote:

It could also be that the OP is looking for approval or permission, if only tacitly so. Why not simply say, "Go ahead ..." and leave the "... but you'll be sorry" part out? Let him find out for himself what it is to betray someone else's trust, and to carry that burden for the rest of his life.

aspiemike wrote:

Considering Fnord's argument about what adultery is, and also considering that you mentioned the world "partner's brother-in-law." you have to consider that maybe it's adultery for him to cheat, but not for you. He has more to lose than you do if caught.

I was wondering who else would pick up on that. The whole "only if you're married" argument would apply to the BIL, and if they're caught, or if the BIL makes a scene about getting hit on, then the OP is in deep doo-doo - not only with his fiance, but with the relatives and all of their friends.

So, go for it ... the OP might learn a thing or two about actions and their consequences.

JanuaryMan
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14 Jul 2013, 3:34 pm

Fnord wrote:

Yes Fnord, this is a thread seeking validation and approval for thoughts or actions - seems to be quite common here in L&D. It's coated up as "seeking advice" but tbh they've already made their decision.

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14 Jul 2013, 3:41 pm

JanuaryMan wrote:

Fnord wrote:

Yes I agree....regarding the purpose of this thread.

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RudeGoldbergMachine
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14 Jul 2013, 3:45 pm

Hello, to address confusion I am indeed female; I don't know why my profile ended up saying male, probly cause I'm a dolt, and I'll change it.

Anyway, no, I'm not just seeking validation. On the contrary, I more than welcome people with strong arguments to challenge my thinking, in case I have missed out on reasons why it could be wrong, because I don't want to do the wrong thing. I already stated I would take the concepts of risk/reward and potential for repeat (or however the person phrased it) and I am, sorry but I just need time to process and pick apart things, that's how my mind works.

I know my view of ethics isn't conventional becauase most people think some things are absolute. But I don't beliefe in any higher power and the only view that makes sense to me is a utilitarian one. So I want to hear other people's ideas and I'm honestly interested in what all you every one has to say. I only argue back because I want to provoke more conversation on the points that on I'm unclear.

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14 Jul 2013, 3:48 pm

IlovemyAspie wrote:

JanuaryMan wrote:

Fnord wrote:

Yes I agree....regarding the purpose of this thread.

Well, that's two, and I detect no sarcasm. Please let me know if I'm wrong.

When people seem to argue against every possible moral or ethical argument, it does seem as if they've already made up their minds, so why not just tell them what they seem to want to hear?

If this thread had been started in The Haven, I'd likely not have even responded to it.

JanuaryMan
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14 Jul 2013, 3:52 pm

RudeGoldbergMachine wrote:

Hello, to address confusion I am indeed female; I don't know why my profile ended up saying male, probly cause I'm a dolt, and I'll change it.

Anyway, no, I'm not just seeking validation. On the contrary, I more than welcome people with strong arguments to challenge my thinking, in case I have missed out on reasons why it could be wrong, because I don't want to do the wrong thing. I already stated I would take the concepts of risk/reward and potential for repeat (or however the person phrased it) and I am, sorry but I just need time to process and pick apart things, that's how my mind works.

I know my view of ethics isn't conventional because most people think some things are absolute. But I don't beliefe in any higher power and the only view that makes sense to me is a utilitarian one. So I want to hear other people's ideas and I'm honestly interested in what all you every one has to say. I only argue back because I want to provoke more conversation on the points that on I'm unclear.

I don't believe in a higher power, and I still think it's wrong.

If you married you made and exchanged solemn vows, if you are in a long term relationship you made a solid commitment the day you went official. If the word adultery is not to your liking or best suited to this scenario, the other words often used are betrayal / cheating.

The thing about traditional or non-open relationships is you are supposed to stop considering the risk/reward of other sexual/emotional partners. If that is not to your liking, then you simply make some other kind of arrangement like a consenting open relationship. If one cannot muster the courage to be honest or ask about this with their partner one must ask why they are with them in the first place.

aspiemike
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14 Jul 2013, 3:56 pm

RudeGoldbergMachine wrote:

I could tell you how a similar situation played out for me if you are interested in hearing about it.

BenderRodriguez
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14 Jul 2013, 4:05 pm

You concentrate so much on it being "wrong" or not that you're missing the point entirely: it's not a good idea.

Whenever people strongly want to do something they know they shouldn't, they tell themselves they won't get caught. Guess what, they usually do and since you're thinking on doing this with someone from the family who'll be around as long as you're married, you're definitely going to get caught.

You're also so sure it will be just one time, but again, these things don't pan out as they're planned.

Would you want this to come back to haunt you 10 years from now? It could destroy your family and your husband will be devastated anyway. Not to mention the rest of his family.

Honestly, I would reconsider getting married or try an open relationship. If you're so tempted already, sooner or later you'll end up doing it anyway and the consequences will be harsh, both for you and others.

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