Anyone else confused about whether they want to be alone?

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I just broke it off with my boyfriend because 90% of the time I didn't want to be around him. I do feel bad but I tried extremely hard for just over a year and the feeling didn't let up. It wasn't fair on him either- he deserves to get what he wants out of a relationship which is something I can't give.
I have a huge huge issue with connecting with people in general, even my family. I have found that when I give myself the huge amount of space that I need, I cope a lot better with life. When I surround myself with people for a long stretch of time I am prone to meltdowns, increased anxiety and depressive states. When I am around people I am constantly putting on a happy/brave face. This occurs to the extent that if I do get positive feelings like happiness, I can't recognize whether they are real or not because most of the time I feel empty and flat inside.
The reason I tried so hard with my ex was because otherwise at some point I will end up being completely alone. Not sure if I wanted marriage or kids or to grow old sharing my life with someone or even any love at all. I find it very hard to give and receive love. All I can think of- literally all the time is college work and my own related research.
I see a lot of people trying to find love/companionship on this thread and it got me wondering whether there was anyone that can relate to my situation/thought process?

I can. Except I tried for a lot longer and it didn't work. I am still telling myself they were all just wrong people for me because I, too, do not want to think about a rest of my life without anyone close to me (apart from cats who are great)

Tbh, if you are that busy with work, you probably don't want a live in relationship or if you do, then with someone who is also on the spectrum and who wants to be sociable/unsociable at the same times as you. Just wonder over to the Engineering department and pick yourself a new boyfriend.. (kidding!! !...sort of)

May find out if my college even has an engineering department. It's a very small college. Not a bad idea though even if you were kidding (sort of).
Your right though, I don't think I want a relationship at all. While I am ok with the way things are at the moment because I still in the family home, it's not going to be like that for the rest of my life.
Are you still confused by this or have you accepted that you will probably be a cat lady? (I probably will be too).

I want more than anything else to get married and have kids one day.

I'd rather have a family and die young than live to be a lonely old man. Because, without someone with whom I can share my life, it isn't living. Just existing.

heh, I'm still hoping I will meet someone ..or several someones I have never wanted family and kids though, so I'm not worried about that - Cat Lady FTW

- if not Engineering, other options are genetics, bioinformatics and physics - all lovely nerds from personal experience and fairly easy going. Do not go out with anyone who is doing arts, humanities, social sciences, medicine or law.

No, I have the exact same problem.
I am constantly in need of my own space, and I am constantly craving the attention and affection of someone I really really like.

It's weird.

^ This is exactly how I felt when I was young and had no relationship experience. ^



^ This is how I feel after three failed marriages and at least as many near-misses. ^

Last edited by Willard on 28 Oct 2013, 6:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

i am confused and don't know what i want. sometimes i think i want a boyfriend, but then am loving the single life.

i more "craving" companionship when i do not have a new video game to play, and when i do... LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME PLAY!

I was married to an NT and one of the biggest problems for me was feeling crowded and not being able to have enough time alone so I found it very difficult then to be affectionate or feel any desire for closeness.
I think relationships can work if there's an understanding for the need of alone time because love can be a very intense and overwhelming experience to cope with.
I think I find life is less stressful being alone, but I'd still like for someone to be there.

<--- Walking, talking cliché: old and alone.

I decided long ago I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to accept just anyone either. My basic criteria (in order) goes something like this...

1) She must be a follower of Jesus Christ (no exceptions).
2) She must agree to save sex for marriage.
3) She must be honest and faithful (no lying, cheating, or manipulation).
4) She must practice personal responsibility (no "blame games").
5) She must prize love and commitment over material wealth.
6) She must be patient (tolerating me requires a ton of it).

Finally (and yes, I know this is politically incorrect)...I want a beautiful wife, who takes good care of herself both inside and out. To those who say looks don't matter, I reply with this: "go marry someone you have zero attraction to, then I'll listen".

My ex was very understanding that I needed space but at the moment I need A LOT of space and find it quite difficult to fit my family, friends and him around that. I barely come out of my room- right now I have college work as an excuse but come summer it causes problems. That's why I also think sometimes I am better off alone because there won't be any friction with other people who expect certain things from me.
The only desire for close human contact I have is hugs and gestures of support from my therapist which help me to release emotions which I find very difficult to do.
I was watching 'The Notebook' a while back and I genuinely couldn't understand how they could want to be so close to each other.

That is the way I tried to work it with my ex but it always got way too serious. Although he was very patient and understanding, he wanted more from the relationship and was slowly trying to ease me into the same desires.



I completely agree with this. I would rather die young than be old and lonely. But I don't want to spend a lifetime trying to meet others expectations. For me just surviving and coping until a natural death is all I can do.

I'm like that^, too-
have conflicting preferences (as to whether I would rather be alone or have someone such as my SO around).

Thing is that I *want* more time with whomever I'm involved with than I *need*,
then I end up being out-of-touch with other people (friends, family-not good) and not having enough "alone time"-
because I'm so caught up in the emotion/relationship with my SO.

So if he asks me if I need more time by myself, I foolishly say "no, of course not"-
not even aware that I really would be better off (less stressed) for it.

This is a problematic pattern in my past LTRs:
I can't justify this, but I used to be bothered when my exes wanted/needed "alone time" or time to go off & do things with other people.
After a while, I would get used to it & I'd be okay, but then they would return & I had to get used to that, which was more adjustment.
Transitions are slow processes for me, it's hard to get used to being alone, then not being alone.

And when I'm alone, I feel lonely-but when I'm with someone, I may feel like I need some alone time-"the grass is always greener",
and I do my best to try to appreciate the moment, whether alone or with somebody.
I'm learning that I do need more alone time (or "other people" time) for my overall well-being, even if I want very much to spend all my time with my SO.

I don't mean to be so difficult to figure out (and self-contradictory), it's confusing for me to be me, too.

I've no reason to believe you wouldn't match her on your criteria 1-6, but I have to say, it's not so much that your final requirement is politically incorrect, than that going by your picture, you're no oil painting yourself.

I am completely and utterly confused on whether I should be alone or not, because I have no idea what being not-alone is like. Plus circumstances might unfold that might force me into the situation of being always-alone.

I'm not looking for a supermodel or a pencil stick (female curves rock), just a woman who does her best to remain healthy. Believe it or not, one thing that attracts me the most about some women is actually their eyes. I can't explain it, but some have this "spark", like they can see right through all your defenses without being threatening. That's one very important quality I'm after.