Relationship Advice

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Hello,

This is my first time using this website -- so seeking your pardon if I portray any noob-isms

Before I start, let me explain that I myself do not have autism -- it is my partner. I will be explaining things from my side, and I hope nobody takes offence in my explaining or wording as I do not intend any malice

I have been with my partner for three years now, I love him so much in spite of the frustrations. I got with him in the understanding that he suffered with an anxiety problem. I have experienced mental health issues since I was a child, as my Dad suffered from schizophrenia and I had a bout of serious manic depression as a teenager. I felt that my partners aforementioned illness would not be an issue and promised to help him get through it.
As the months and years passed; nothing seemed to work. I got frustrated and thought he wasn't trying, or was just plain selfish at times. During some research I overcame something, that perhaps changed my perspective -- and noticed serious signs that perhaps there was more to my partners 'illness' than anticipated -- autism, or more to the point, Aspergers syndrome. After working together, we were able to pinpoint the direct problem towards suspected PDD-NOS. While we are having great difficulty in getting him diagnosed (apparently the UK has few services for adults with autism? -- this is a different matter altogether) and getting his Mother on board (she works with people who suffer from mental/cognitive illnesses); it is the day-to-day management and problems we encounter that are becoming more and more difficult.

I do everything I can to accommodate and understand my partner to the best of my ability; but unfortunately I am human and prone to making mistakes and getting it wrong. I admit that perhaps at times I have no idea what to do. I read stuff online, while it can give me perspective I feel it's lacking from a certain degree of 'realism'. Facts on paper seem great, but when applying to real-life situations is a different matter altogether.
I have one friend who had a relationship with an Aspergers sufferer, but she ended that relationship several months ago and her advice can be somewhat biased and limited. I do not want to leave my partner, for me it is not an option.
I am here today to seek advice on how to help deal with this -- how can I try to get over the apparent 'cold' and 'distant' attitude he portrays that upsets me? How can I understand his confusing and elusive outlook on the world?

Advice from both sides would be desirable -- but right now anything would help

Thanking you in advance, a very emotionally tired and desperate James XOXO

My best advice would be to browse the boards here, and see if it lends you any insight. I wouldn't use the phrase "AS sufferer", though. We may have problematic aspects that stem from autism, but think of AS as a descriptor rather than an affliction.

Tbh I have started... But thanks for your reply nonetheless.

Apologies for my wording... I never intended any derogatory association with AS itself. Rest assured I do not view it in that manner.

Several books have been written on the topic of relationships involving people with Aperger's Syndrome, such as David Finch's "The Journal of Best Practices", and Rudy Simone's books "22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger’s Syndrome" and "22 Things a Woman with Asperger Syndrome Wants Her Partner To Know", but I have never read them so I do not know how helpful they are. (Sorry I can't be of greater assistance, but I have struggled with life, and I have had very little success with romantic relationships .)

On the issue of getting diagnosed via the NHS, see this old thread:
"Guidance for UK Assessment & Diagnosis through the NHS"
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt227311.html

Brilliant, thank you so much Logan I may consider reading these. The only implication is that we are a gay couple, so I'm wondering if this changes any of the dynamics cited in the literature you've provided.

Thank you pointing me in the right direction about the diagnosis process. I've tried looking everywhere on the Internet, but everything seems so... meh.

I wasn't dx'd until my 40's but I've been married to an NT for 26 years and we have four kids. Now, as anyone can tell by my posts thats had it's ups and downs, but I can tell you what our problems have been, from my perspective in case that helps you.

I had severe panic disorder and agoraphobia years ago, and had it pretty bad for a few years there. I wouldn't leave the house and I needed him with me almost constantly for a while. He helped and was there, but I think we are the opposite of you two. I'm very emotional and needy at times and he's very standoffish and reserved at times except during football season. He came from a family like that so he's not good at showing much emotion, and I do understand, and he does understand that I come from a family of high strung Southerners so this is what he gets. I don't know if ya'lls problem could be because of being raised differently?

One of my biggest problems that I have from the AS is I get overwhelmed and just melt down, lose it, go batsh*t crazy and make no sense when the stress gets too much and I feel like I'm having to handle it all alone. I can handle an enormous amount of stress, but sometimes it just gets too much and I'll take it out on other people by yelling and just being a big ole b***h in general. I'm explaining that because some people can sometimes shut down either completely or partially from being overwhelmed. That may be the reason he's like that sometimes to you. Keep in mind as well that until I was dx'd, although I was very familiar with the feeling of being overwhelmed to that point, and knew the concept of it in other situations, I never applied it to my meltdown situations. Once I learned about it and saw it, and was actually able to recognize that the "too much, can't take this" was being overwhelmed from stress and depression I was able to sometimes back away from situations and prevent it. I was also better able to articulate an apology because even though I knew that the behavior was wrong I still saw it as someone else close to me withholding support from me rather than me not being able to explain what I felt and needed. Which is a shock cause I talk a whole lot and explain things to death at times, but this time there was sort of a hole in my consciousness where that was and I couldn't find the words to fill it.

So, maybe he's overwhelmed by things at times and partially shuts down. That might could make him come across as cold or distant, etc. Different people are overwhelmed by different things, and I'd suggest that you sit down and discuss that idea with him and ask him to think about it for a while and maybe even make a list of things that do that to him and what he needs from you when that happens. Although my idea may be completely wrong, or if it's right he may not be able to really express what it is he's needing at the time.

So, good luck and I'd also talk to him and ask him how much support he needs and wants from you concerning this. I know that if my husband found out he had it and I was doing what I would normally do which is look it up, try to find ways to help him, try and talk to him about it, he might just totally clam up because he's not the type who would want to discuss it, and I'd suggest asking him if he's ok with the effort you are putting into it.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com