Long-distance relationship - how should I interpret this?

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Hi all,

I'm in a LDR at the moment, have been for 9 months (although we've known each other for almost 2 years). We have always made very explicit towards each other that we value honesty and that we want to be honest with each other at all times. He knows about the ASD, anxiety, depression, and almost anything that goes on both inside of me and around me.

Yesterday he casually mentioned that he'd have a skype call later on and he'd be unavailable. I didn't think anything of it since he has other friends with whom he talks online. He usually mentions with whom the call is, but I just assumed it was one of the "regulars". He said he'd phone me once he was finished. His call took 2.5h which is definitely longer than what his calls usually take. Then when calling me he again didn't mention with whom he was talking, so I bluntly asked if there was any specific reason as to why he wasn't saying who the person was. He then hesitated a bit and finally said it was this one girl (that I know of) with whom he had something with before we started talking. That really broke me. I couldn't (and cannot) understand what was the need of keeping that secret. I then became really quiet and withdrawn and started shaking all over. He ultimately admitted how it could be seen as suspicious but that he didn't think anything of it. I asked him why did he not mention it when 1) he always mentions with whom he's hanging out (and so do I), and 2) it was apparently a special call since they hadn't had a skype call in a very long time (reason why it took so long). He went quiet and had no answer. I then just wanted to say goodnight, and ended the call.

I feel so at odds, because I'm terrified I'm going to be taken advantage of. I tend to love so intensely and blindly and then I always become disappointed when I see that even the most "special" people behave in a similarly sh***y way.

Any input / other perspectives would be very much appreciated. I ended up having a bit of a meltdown and slept like crap, and kind of obsessing about the idea that there is simply no one out there for me that won't ultimately take me for granted and hurt me.

^^ Did you ever meet the guy during the 2 years?

Yes, we've met 4 times and we were going to meet again in May.

sounds like he's not honoring his part of the agreement you two made, on honesty.

being "sloppy" like that might happen when a relationship is no longer new. there's always the possibility this other girl isn't longing to drive a edge between you two, but you're right to be suspicious. i've had those same 2.5 hour long calls with people who were friends, and that is more than enough time to think of some conclusions which may or may not be true. i'd feel the same way in your situation, right down to the shaking. can't get rid of the shaking...

you say you know her, or at least know of her?

@Kiprobarhalto: I don't know her personally, I know of her because he has told me that they were talking before we met, and how he really liked her but something didn't click between them, and how she then later on asked him why he had decided to move along with me but not with her. So, I know they have history, and I know she was hung up on him.

I basically had a shutdown yesterday (unresponsive), followed by the shaking, and it was pure awfulness. All because I cannot understand why he would withdraw of that information (when it's unlike him) and after asking he didn't have a single answer. I agree about the "when a relationship is no longer new". I fear to be taken for granted and neglected because that's what has happened each and every time in the past. It's a trait that seems common in regular relationships, but something I don't personally feel (if I'm in love with someone, I don't wither away in my attention to them just because time passes by). I don't know how to interpret this all but my brain is just alerting me of a red flag

For how long each time? Like a couple of days or weeks?

Minimum it's been 4 days, maximum 7. We do talk every day and have video calls weekly, but that's about it.

How old are you two?

And do you have any plans to live together (or nearby at least)? Personally, it sounds like he's keeping you as a backup but also trying to start a thing with her.

30 and 31.

We live in neighbouring countries but cannot visit each other much. I was planning to get a job in his country but it's all in the air at the moment. I'm mostly afraid that this "lying by omission" thing is something that's here to stay.

Well, people don't live forever, so it makes sense that one would seek for easier opportunities.

It will be very difficult to compete with someone at his proximity. No matter how frequent your video calls are; it's not the same at all.

I think you two need to talk, this thread won't help you to solve this mystery any further.

Just to clarify, this girl is living in another neighbouring country, not where he lives.

But I think you're right and I agree. I was just seeking "the outsider's perspective" here. Thanks for your input!

I wouldn't move if I were you. With my wife, we used skype for daily video calls and I was visiting her almost every other weekend.

Update: words were shared, and clarification was achieved. I think these situations are particularly hard when 1) one has the tendency to completely shut down when overwhelmed (like myself), 2) both people involved in the relationship have anxiety issues of their own, and 3) there is physical distance. Long-story short, he was afraid I'd feel hurt when knowing he was talking with a girl (which has happened to him in the past with other partners), when to me the most important thing is to be honest (not to protect the other person from potential hurt; I prefer to give people the chance to react rather than assuming how they will react).

Thanks everyone for the input, though! I was really anxious and just needed to reach out.

I personally don't feel the need to have video calls daily; we have voice calls daily, and sometimes I can also go without those (writing everyday is the only thing I truly need). That being said, I really like spending time with him in person, but I do need my space. I cannot travel frequently because most of my weekends are not free (I have to work), and he is in therapy for agoraphobia (particularly when it comes to travelling; I have been in a session with him to see how I could be of help, but these things take their time). It's definitely not the best setup for a LDR, but still worth trying when it feels right.