NT boyfriend breaking up with me

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My boyfriend (only one I ever had, after a lifetime of not wanting any relationship) is breaking up with me. He says I treat him like a pet and just want him to agree with me. He also says I don't care about him and am condescending.
We met a year ago and I fell in love very quickly and told him I had decided I wanted to be with him forever. At first, he was worried I was too naive and had "rose coloured glasses" on but eventually he agreed that we should be together. Now, over the past few months, he keeps coming up with new complaints and threatening to leave me. After moving in with me, he now says he doesn't think we need to live together to be a family and he says he is not sure he wants to get married.
I argue that the only thing we ever fight about is his commitment to our relationship, but he seems to think I should put in all the effort to change and adapt to him before he makes any commitment. After a year, one would think he would know if he wants to be with me or not. We're stuck in this infinite loop of an argument.
He says I can't really love him since I can't describe the feeling and that he is frustrated that I always end up staring blankly at him when he tried to talk to me about his complaints.

Any advice to get things back to happiness?
Any advice to cope with this situation? I feel lost and confused, just like when I was a kid and I couldn't understand what was happening around me. Why would he be with me for a whole year and then decide to leave me?

Just guessing, but it seems that he is unwilling to commit to a relationship with you if you are not willing (or able) to accommodate his feelings.

How to cope? Change to meet your boyfriend's need or change boyfriends.

How to get back to happiness? Stop basing your happiness on other people's willingness to conform to your wishes.

I meant happiness together, I have been happy alone my whole life.

I don't have any demands or wishes he needs to conform to. We agreed we would be together. To me, that's a settled matter. I don't understand how people can change their mind about something so important.

I like his company, we have a great time together, he knows how to be quiet when needed, he rolls over to his side of the bed when it's time to sleep, and he likes to learn new things so we get along great. The main thing I liked about him was how I could be my regular self around him and not worry about keeping up the appearance of normalcy.

Then you know how to deal with it.


Maybe he never committed to you in the first place - maybe he lied. The fact that "... keeps coming up with new complaints and threatening to leave ..." indicates that he may have already decided to leave, and that he is just hoping that you will call it off so that he doesn't come out of it looking like The Bad Guy.


Yet, he is breaking up with you. Why do YOU think that is? The two main reasons for a break-up seem to be: (1) The person not wanting the break-up is somehow stifling the other person; and (2) The person wanting the break-up has found someone else.

Which do you think is more likely?

It may be time for you to cut him loose and get on with your own life. If he's that willing to flake out on you, then maybe you are better off without him.

Chances are you made some mistakes that most people make in their first relationship and never repeat again.

It's a learning experience. There's nothing you can do to keep the relationship.

People change, they grow, they discover that things they enjoyed in small doses or for a while aren't enjoyable in large doses or at length, they find that small problems are actually large ones, they get new information or better understand the old. Or their needs change.



All above here is about you and your needs, even though you're saying "we have a great time together" and "he likes to learn new things" -- you mention it because it's good for you. There's nothing about his needs, what's good for him in the relationship, what you'd like to give him and do for him, even what you like about him (apart from something about you). It's very much the way people describe a pleasant pet; I get no feeling at all about who he is. He probably feels the relationship's very one-sided, and in his vacillating is trying to give you a chance to win him over, make it a good relationship for him, too.

You need to tell him to be very explicit and plain about what he needs, because you won't pick it up with hints. In the end it may be that what he needs is not something you can give. And he may not have known that he needed those things until he had a relationship in which they were absent. It's not to say that any of this is your fault (or his), just that most people have expectations, going into a relationship, that they may not even know they have.

Me neither... I guess sometimes they just feel like changing partners.

It sounds like the two of you have very different perspectives about your relationship right now. You mentioned how your able to be your true self with him & that he moved in with you. Us Aspies can be difficult to live with because of our various issues. It would be good for the two of you to sit down & have a discussion about his perspective of the relationship. Listen & really consider his point of view on what is wrong & causing issues.; don't just stare blankely at him because he'll feel like your tuning him out which of coarse would make him more frustrated, instead try to offer ideas on how to find a compromise/solution & explain things things that could be related to a misunderstanding & try to reassure him & support him, he may feel like your not supportive enough with things unrelated to your relationship & trying to be supportive in various ways might help your relationship alot.

you are the female version of me.

like how am I suppose to think of them all the time. How am I suppose to know what they want if they don't tell me I've been trying this compromise thing but, it eats me. Like a constant mental work out.

There are norms that exist, and you're expected to be aware of them. Likewise most people will think of loved ones periodically throughout the day, remain at least somewhat aware of their needs, and ask questions about the other people's day, thoughts, desires. Not asking, and waiting to be told all the time, is an indication that you don't care. There are normal ways in which those conversations go, too. For instance, here's not normal:

You: [okay, I haven't asked today how her day's going] How's your day going?
Her: Oh, it's [list of things including worries and happy things].
You: [yay, cross that off the list] Well, I guess I'm pretty tired now [or something else you're interested in]

Why not normal? Because you skipped the conversation. You invited her to share, then made clear that you didn't care at all about whatever it was she was sharing -- her concerns, victories, whatever. She'll feel you don't care about her.

If you have kids, you're expected (esp. if a woman) to have an invisible tether to the kids. Where are they? What are they doing right now? Do they need something? Until they're old enough to take pretty good care of themselves -- closing in on jr hi, or older -- you're going to be thinking about these things all the time, it'll just run in the background.

When you don't do these things, other people notice, and that's why you get dinged for being selfish/cold/uncaring. And why you have to make it very clear up front, in dating, that this is how you are, and that it doesn't change, that you're not a fixer-upper, and that if the other person isn't comfortable with being ignored and forgotten routinely, this will probably not go well. That it's like having a cat: the cat will show up only when the cat feels like it or you're putting out food, the cat is not sad you're gone during the day, the cat is not thinking about you, the cat is soft and nice on your lap, the cat will occasionally try to smother you in your sleep, freak out at you and claw wildly, and go berserk at invisible things late at night. I think part of why so many of these relationships go bad is that most people really cannot conceive of someone else's actually being like that.