Am I being an overly fussy apsie ret*d here?
I recently met a Girl, for the first time I think ever I found a person with a mind overladen with as much random pondering's and concerns as myself. What is great is that we are not the same, in our experiences or thoughts, but we think in a similar way, have a similar kind of understanding of the world. Her academic/career direction is very similar to something I very narrowly missed too, so her field of "professional interest" closely matches what I spend a lot of my time thinking about.
We literally hang out, attempt to have deep conversations about a myriad of intellectual subjects which branch into infinite other subjects. But in the end we get lost, give up, in favour of old fashioned giggly smiling and flirting at each other. Like we do not need to speak, like I said we have an understanding of the world, we seem to be of the same "cloth" - discussion is pretty much redundant.
I only just met her but it is like we have known each other forever, even though neither of us have even had any time to talk about ourselves in detail. I have known her for two days, and todays attempted conversation was the biggest clusterf**k of nonsensical gibberish I could possibly imagine, like I was drunk or stoned. But I was not! it didn't matter though, like I said we just ended up sitting with each other and smiling/giggling/flirting.
It is amazing to finally meet someone I feel so connected to, I would be over the moon even if they were the same sex as me, but they are not. They female, a similar age, attractive..
Now for the ret*d aspie dilemma part;
warning; the following will seem sexist, moronic, backwards etc - But this is my autistic side showing, I am lost here.
They are only here temporarily on a exchange programme, leaving very soon.
In terms of physical appearance traits that excite me in particular, she, although is technically very attractive, is not to me. She is aesthetically at best 4/10, in terms of my specific tastes, which do not follow popular notions of attractiveness.
She also has a kind of gross out trait that is extremely off-putting. - Badly stained teeth from smoking.
These however are largely cancelled out by her wonderful, incredible character and mind. And I am very much stimulated sexually in a intellectual/mental way much more so than with pure physical traits.
This brings her up to 7/10.
Now given the very limited time available here (as I am unlikely to see her again, other than perhaps a short visit to her country in a years time), and this very unique opportunity. Should I "escalate" things physically?
I think I am safe to admit in front of my fellow aspies, that I have never even kissed a girl properly, on the lips. So this may be extremely awkward. But then again, we are so much on the same wavelength that the clusterf**k of a conversation I attempted today, where I said the most moronic things, did not matter at all. It was all overlooked because we both feel a huge positivity about each other, understand what each other is really trying to say, and I think at least some chemistry.
So, should I press forward with reckless abandon?
I think I have spent soooo long without any emotional and physical intimacy in my life, that I think it is having a purely negative affect now. I actually think abstinence can be a great thing, but for people who partner up fairly young and get married. But I am getting way too old for this, becoming so distant from healthy human existence. I need to break free and enter normal interactions like physical relations, even if things are not "perfect"
In situations like this, wisdom would say, at least to me, that if you have to ask if it's OK, then it isn't. Some part of you feels like doing this wouldn't be the right thing to do, but the thought of doing something you may (you feel) never have a chance to do again keeps you in it. So the question really is this: Which would be worse, guilt or lost opportunity?
_________________
Everything would be better if you were in charge.
I can be certain of not feeling guilt. Although ideologically I can appreciate the notion of one partner for life. And in my aspie obssesiveness was holding out for that for most of my adult life. That ship sailed a long time ago for me. Now this extended solitude is as I see it massively unhealthy, I have had this mindset for a while now. Over the past couple of years I have become more clear about myself, morals, ethics, spirituality etc. It was a long confusing journey, I used to be very unsure and lost with everything. But not so much now.
My concern and fear was about awkwardness in trying something totally new. This is going to be all kinds of embarrassing and awkward. I think I decided via writing that I definitely need to do it. But I have no idea how!
