At the end of my rope....hang on or walk? Help!

Post Reply New Topic

I find the church actually helps my mood more than counselling does. Truth is, I needed a spiritual outlet and I find that my spirit and heart need to grow more than my mind does. The social skills and empathy gave insight to the "self-defeat" part of me (ie, everytime I am enjoying myself, somehow a setback happens and I think too much about it). Anger management has only been one session so far, but the decision was made because of poor impulse control over setbacks.

At the risk of sounding less than sensitive, let me ask the OP this: does your significant other display this behavior towards others, or only to you? The reason I ask is that someone with genuine difficulties in communication tends to display it across all aspects of life, but someone with unresolved emotional issues tends to only display this sort of behavior to a spouse or other intimate partner. (Example: I'm super-high-functioning due to above-average intelligence and special interests like theater and music that helped me socialize when I was younger, but I still have trouble maintaining eye contact and "active listening" with damn near everybody, significant others included.)

Is this behavior new or worsening? Does he have ongoing issues with his ex and son?

As much as you may want to play armchair diagnostician (and believe me, there have been many less qualified folk who gladly strapped on those shoes) there's a difference between being on the spectrum and being a maladjusted ass. Probably the quickest way to the heart of the matter is using his preferred means of communication (such as text) to try and flush out his emotional state. Let him know that you're doing it because he seems more comfortable with writing as opposed to talking (NOT mentioning the Dx if at all possible) and see how he responds. Use a lot of "I" statements and *explicitly* lay out how his behavior makes you feel in unambiguous language. If he still melts down and refuses, even after getting back to his even keel, to see how his actions are hurting you and how he has exhibited a pattern of behavior that makes you worried for him and worried about your future together, so be it, but at least you can say it's not because he's on the spectrum. (Aspies may suck at "empathy" in the traditional sense, but if I'm obliviously pissing somebody off and they let me know in a non-confrontational manner it usually hits me right in the gut that I effed up, sometimes way harder than it should. I don't think I'm alone on the spectrum in this, either.)

Keep in mind that if he's not on the spectrum, he's using this behavior to manipulate you in order to avoid dealing with himself. Let me say this, too: if it's not working for you, it's not working for you. At the end of the day the only person you have a responsibility to is yourself and in the parlance of our times "you gotta do you" and look out for #1.