It never lasts...

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Hi there. This is my first message. I was diagnosed with autism (somewhere in the spectrum, most likely Aspergers according to the indications) two years ago. At the same time I am gay...well, I suspect I am actually bisexual, because I do find some women attractive, but my poor social skills have prevented me from actually experimenting.

My parents are separated and, living with my homophobic mother, I had no support network, other than two good childhood friends, who, however, were not always available (at least in the ways I'd expect them). I am not someone who likes to "bug" people with his problems, but I had to survive depression and insecurity somehow. I did this by finding people online and actually starting long-distance relationships with them. This way I creating a sort of a support network.

I have always gotten along with older people better than with younger people. You see, typical activities of people my age, such as going out to clubs (too noisy, too many stimuli) and acting silly, look pretty alien to me. My whole lifestyle largely corresponds with an older person's lifestyle. I am sure some of you may feel the same. Not surprisingly, I am attracted to older guys. As already mentioned, I have had a couple of long-distance relationships in the beginning. This way I had more control of my daily life, but I could still benefit from the relationship aspect, though in a more limited way because we would not see each other very often.

Six years ago I met this guy online. He seemed like a genuine guy and at that moment I was going through a depression (again) and really needed to start my life again. The guy lived in The Netherlands. To make it short, it seemed we clicked. At the same time my mother found out about my sexuality (by reading my diary) and there was a huge crisis at home, which forced me to move out and postpone my moving to The Netherlands by one year. The guy was willing to wait for me and I eventually moved to The Netherlands in 2009. I appreciated he was a genuine guy I could trust and moving in with him gave me the chance to pursue an undergraduate degree there, which I just completed with great success. I am currently busy with my Master's and seem to cope well with the work load, though I have not made any new friendships (only acquaintances), but that's a whole different issue.

Meanwhile, I still live with this guy and he pays, say, 70% of the costs, considering my meager resources as a student. I am just so grateful to him for treating me so well and supporting me in pursuing my goals. I think it is positive that I live in a controlled and familiar environment, which makes me feel safe, but I have started to doubt about the foundations of my whole life. I now realize I do love the guy, but more as a great friend than a partner. We haven't had sex in a while, I just don't feel the need to do it with him (though I have sex with others I meet online and he knows it). I am afraid to tell him my thoughts because he will get hurt.

At this point let me say that back in 2011 I did something stupid and kind of started a long-distance relationship with an old internet contact (while still living with the guy in The Netherlands) and visited back and forth. I regretted it badly after a few months, because I saw he was not the one I thought. I admit that was pretty immature from my side but it did teach me a lesson: to not be impulsive when dealing with relationships and weigh the pros and cons of a situation in a more constructive way. I ended that and went back to my partner in The Netherlands. Since he loved me he accepted me. However, 2 years later I am at the same point, though this time it is from a different base. I want to move on because I think it is time I became more independent for once and stand on my own feet like a grown up. I know it will be hard and extremely stressful, but I feel I really need to take this step, even though it will hurt. I do feel more prepared intellectually than I did, say, 2 years ago. Apparently my studies have helped me think in a more structured way and I have reflected a lot in the meantime, not to mention the diagnosis and the subsequent focus group sessions I followed for a few months. In short, I feel like I am a different person compared with the past...but yet once again I end up wanting to give up a relationship.

Am I being hyper-selfish and ungrateful? Or am I just going through a "phase" again? I really feel bad about all this because the last thing I want to do is hurt this guy, a really rare person. But I do feel this profound desire to take my life in my hands now. At least I am better equipped - educationwise - this time and feel more determined to face the world. Your thoughts would be appreciated.

Last edited by pan_nl on 10 Oct 2013, 9:27 am, edited 2 times in total.

Hi ya and Welcome.

it's really tough, I sympathise, but you cannot force yourself to love people although you could force yourself to have sex with them out of the feeling of duty and because they pay the bills..ask any woman (sorry bad joke)

Have you tried talking to this guy honestly about this? If he is that much older he will probably understand although there is no scenario in which he will not be hurt I think, that's just something you have to accept.

Being human is so tough..

is loyalty obsolete?

pretty much.

OP, your emotional maturity in this case is very well grounded. You actually know what you want in that regard. This should come in handy for you when you finally make your decision.

I feel sorry for the other guy.

Thanks for your replies, guys. Auntblabby, my concern is also loyalty. I just think sometimes "what kind of person am I to be so cynical?". I wonder if it is typical of Aspergers.

Just read a book (which he bought me because he is so thoughtful!) which really helped understanding many of my reactions in the past and present. The book is called "Solutions for adults with Asperger syndrome" by Juanita Lovett. Highly recommended, I wish it would guide me concerning what to do in the end. I'll have to take full responsibility of my actions, I am aware of it. It is just hard to break the pattern on the one hand and know I will hurt another person on the other hand... His best friend will die soon from cancer, so whatever I do will have to wait for a few months.

in life we have to prioritize sometimes, between our wants and somebody else's wants, it is a give and take, and there will be times when we are let down by somebody else and there will be times when we let somebody down. the goal of life is to reduce the occurrence of these mutual let-downs until they vanish with maturing ethics. when young it is all too easy to toy with people's affections without too much concern, the key is to learn how it feels to be the one let down by somebody else. eventually it clicks in the mind that one doesn't want to cavalierly hurt somebody else in the same way. this means choosing one's long-term partners with considerable care.

Does it sound like this relationship can be saved, auntblabby?

it is in your power and your power alone that it can be saved. you have some soul searching to do. how much older is this man? has your sexual attraction to him changed due to something about this man or something about yourself? did you indeed have sexual chemistry beyond the novelty of first attraction? are you worried that he is old enough that he might die on you in a few short decades? lots of questions.

He's 64 now. To be honest, there was some sexual attraction, but I now feel as if I mainly saw him as my gateway to The Netherlands in the beginning. It feels as if I used him, even though I did get to love him on the way. And this feels bad, because I am not that nasty I think. But thanks for your thoughts. More thoughts are welcome, guys.

Last edited by pan_nl on 10 Oct 2013, 5:31 am, edited 2 times in total.

your welcome I did not imply any nastiness on your part but I have to admit that as an old man myself I was saddened just the same. there are ways you could make the breakup much nicer and more gradual. a sudden parting would hurt like ripping off a bandage.