Relationships with Aspies: They're Possible

Post Reply New Topic

I've been up for a while now, doing what any unemployed, curious Aspie does, research. I've been curious about what marriage was like all my life, but I keep hearing incendiary accounts from the disgruntled ex-wives of Aspies. From what they made it sound like, these women expected their Aspie husbands to carry the burden of the family. They married them with full knowledge of what Asperger's Syndrome was, but they didn't care, they were more concerned about themselves. They wanted all the rights, none of the responsibilities. But on a lighter note, I've noticed posts where women wanted to know how they could make their relationships with their Aspie hubbies work. This...is starting to restore my faith in humanity. C'mon, folks, we can do better, I know we can.

As a curious, unemployed insomniacal aspie awake at a ridiculous hour because of his research, I like this train of thought. Lots. However I have a sizable chunk of my own faith in humanity to restore in order to make this process work, because said process is really making me work.

One thing is for sure, being an aspie generally makes one quite unfit as husband material for the more conservative side of American culture. You mean I have to do nearly all the legwork to start a relationship, pay for everything, and then be in charge of everyone if I get married? No thank you! Can I just have some ice cream instead?

I imagine myself being married within the next 10 years. Not everyone with Asperger's is the same. Some are great family-men, others not.

That is not the pattern I have observed. The women who are most likely to complain are the ones whose husbands are undiagnosed, who faked an NT demeanor during their courtship but reverted to their true behavior after they got comfortable in their relationship. Those are the sorts of situations that give rise to the "Cassandra syndrome" that Maxine Aston writes about.

That being said, I agree with your premise that relationships are possible! There are many examples of good ones here on WP.

Fake being NT? Is that even possible for us?

Off course they are possible

Not with 100% accuracy, no (Aspies who think they have been "passing" all their lives sometimes find out that everybody knew all along when they get diagnosed.) Aren't you able to stop yourself from stimming if you have to, look people in the eye if you force yourself, stay at the party a little longer just to please your folks, that sort of thing? Some high functioning autistics try to live their whole lives that way and have a degree of success in the NT world, but may have trouble with relationships and suffer from burnout in adulthood from keeping up a false front all the time.

I'm an aspie and I approve this message

I call BS.

My husband is still undiagnosed. I never even heard of AS when I married him. OK, I did notice some 'autistic' tendencies, but since he was high functioning, somewhat social, definitely could make eye contact, etc I didn't think it was possible.

I only wanted him to do his share. He rarely did. I compensated. Yes, I wanted him to shoulder some of the burden. Yes, I wanted him to support me. But marriage is a partnership. I was willing to support him and carry my share of the load, too. I did. Marriage is give and take. But on BOTH sides. Not give and take and take and take.

He wanted children. I was a bit concerned because he's so self-absorbed, but I allowed myself to be convinced since he talked a very good dame, plus I guess I kinda wanted kids, too. Destroyed our marriage. He just couldn't handle it and took his sense of inadequacy out on me. OK, I get he gets overwhelmed - but you know what - no excuse. NTs do, too.

I can't understand how you can take away that message. When I read accounts of disgruntled ex-wives I get the sense that they're burned out from taking on too much of the burden of family life. Including often financially and certainly emotionally, socially and in terms of chores, etc while their aspie husbands slunk off to pursue their special interests leaving them to deal with it all.

Aspies who are self-aware can be pretty decent spouses (so I read - and my husband was a lot better partner pre-baby). But if you're attitude toward NT wives is like that, I'm willing to bet you won't make a decent spouse.

But some people w/o Autism blame alot of problems on their spouses Autism/Aspergers; the problem is, some of those problems aren't AS related. I read stories about them and say, yeah, they aren't good husbands, but they shouldn't be blaming Aspergers, because not all people with it are like that

I get what you're saying. But... in a long term relationship sometimes things WILL go bad, either because of poor behaviour by one spouse or the other (not an AS thing necessarily) or the stresses of life. Couples who fall out need to reconnect to keep the bond strong. Perhaps this is more of an NT need. I don't know, but somehow I don't think so - since AS folk seem to need a fair bit of reassurance and nurturing, too. After things started to get stressed in our marriage, I never got those little behaviours that reassured me. Sex was poor and infrequent. He never asks me how my day goes. Never spontaneously provides me with emotional support. So some of the AS tendencies can prevent couples repairing bonds when things inevitably go wrong.

As these needs continue to go unmet, resentment builds. Just as AS people ask NT people to be aware of they way they tick - AS folk need to go that extra mile, too. Meeting some of the fundamental needs of their spouses.

There certainly is A LOT more wrong in my marriage than just AS/NT friction. But the AS makes it harder for him to see the impact of his actions on me or what I need in terms of support. It also gives him a tendency to have black and white thinking, be highly critical, disappear into his special interest, and be incredibly defensive when I ask for a change in behaviour (even a small one!) and go into meltdowns which to me feel unpredictable and are scary. I do not know when he may cross the line and become physically abusive. He hasn't done it yet, and I often feel that he's only restrained because I'm a big girl, strong and a rugby player. He may be stronger as a man, but he wouldn't escape unscathed - especially as my tolerance for taking a hit is fairly well developed and he probably hasn't been physically hit in over 25 years.

I still contend that the OP with his nasty attitude toward women (definitely NOT an exclusively AS thing) would not make a good spouse unless he changes.