Aspie boyfriend has issues with "love"

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Hi everyone.. 1st post

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half. We have become very close, and I was his very first girlfriend at age 29.

The other night we went out for dinner and for some reason we were talking about love. He started off by saying "there's one thing I am not comfortable talking about. It starts with an L and has four letters."

"Love?" I asked.

He looked really uncomfortable and tensed up.

I asked him if he loved his dog, Bo. He only mumbled. I asked him again and he said yes. I asked him to say "I love Boo." He argued saying he didn't want to, but I kept insisting and insisting.

He finally said "I love Boo," and insisted he hadn't had any emotion in it. He then got pretty teary-eyed and looked distraught, which isn't like him at all.

Does anyone else here have any issues with love? Was I pushing him out of his comfort zone? I didn't know if it was a common thing or not.. thanks

it was not the most sensitive to push him after he said he was uncomfortable. we aspies are not always the most in touch with our emotions. that said, NT's can have the same problem. check out paul simon's "something so right" on youtube. "some people never say those words 'I love you.' it's not their style to be so bold."

Last edited by cathylynn on 09 Oct 2013, 11:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It might be best to let him say it on his own terms. Pushing someone regardless of Aspergers will not get the best response, or even a genuine response.

Really? You need to ask?
Of course you were. And you were ignoring obvious signals that he wanted you to stop, but you just kept pushing and pushing. I thought you people could read body language and had empathy.

You wouldn't have even got a second date with me; I might have even walked out on the first one.

maybe the non-love people should stick with other non-love people, and let the love people hang with love people, that would be a better way.

In an ideal world but unfortunately real-life is so much more complicated

This.

If I had been one of your fellow diners I would have been sorely tempted to lean over and tell you to stop bullying the poor guy.

Let people hang with who they want. The last thing the world needs is more segregation (a thing that certainly did not end with the civil rights movement). Just because he doesn't like saying it that doesn't mean it's not true.

First of all.. I am NOT a bully.. At all. I have known my boyfriend for over three years. Yeah, maybe the convo we had was uncomfortable for him, but he also barages me with lots of uncomfortable questions. Maybe none of you have.never been in a relationship before, but please stop treating him like a victim. He's not.

I've spent hours researching aspergers to understand him and our relationship better. I came here asking what your opinions on love were.

I asked about his dog, because I know his dog helped change a lot for him. didn't force him to say he loved me... and for all of you saying you'd walk out of dinner.. We were sitting side by side and holding hands.

To me it is interesting that he was the one that brought up the topic. I may be cynical but I wonder, and I am really sorry if this is completely wrong, but just on the off chance, I wonder if he maybe decided he doesn't feel love for you and was trying to let you know. Do you think he would know how to break up with you if he didn't really want the relationship to continue considering you are his first ever girlfriend at the age of 29?

Another option maybe that he wants to stay with you but is concerned that he doesn't perceive himself to feel whatever it is he thinks love should feel like and this worries him.

Either way, I really must say you didn't handle it well. You should have simple asked him why he was bringing it up.

All the best.

Some of the responses are a bit harsh, to say the least!

It's easy to say with hindsight what people would do or not do. We weren't there. A lot of people respond to posts based on their own experiences, and project themselves into the situation.

The first positive - your boyfriend brought it up. That's good.

Even if you were slightly pushing him out of his comfort zone - is that a bad thing? I don't think you were.

What I would do - naturally - instead of you saying "Love?" - I would have said "Lust?" and made a joke out of it, like grrrr big boy, (or whatever way you could get him to laugh about it) and been silly to have taken some tension out of it.

So there was a bit of sadness. So what? Sounds like a romantic evening, and perhaps a very positive thing. You know your boyfriend's personality better than us! You sound like you're probably very good for him, and I hope he's very good for you.

Okay, let me think...why did he react the way he did?

Maybe that moment he wasn't feeling love, and that's why he was upset, because the way he 'should' have felt wasn't coming. Some days, I can be like that! Can't we all? Maybe right then, in that moment, he didn't know what love was.

And here's another thing. You were in a restaurant? Crowded? STIMULUS OVERLOAD. Possibly too much going on for the emotion of 'love' to be processed properly. You're holding his hand...more (albeit pleasant) stimulus. He was trying to reach inside to describe something, rather than intellectualise it - that takes space, calm and a lack of pressure.

Leafplant - I'm sorry, but your 'cynical' point - I just don't see it. Not here. I don't think any man would have carried on that conversation if he didn't deeply love/respect the person he was having it with.

Interesting points of view.

Not to distract too much from the topic of the conversation, but can someone comment on this on/off feeling of love that aspies presumably have (I am not saying that it is true, just trying to understand this comments about "days when I don't feel love")?

Here's a bone of contention between men and women, and not just when there is AS involved.

A woman springs a random question which equates to love, at a certain time.

The man is not in tune with that, that very moment, and gives an unsatisfactory answer.

Now, for some women this response is unthinkable. It could be simply that the man isn't in a 'feelings mode'. She could take it as the man is an emotionless clot (some are). But, it's just at that moment, he's not in the mode. It doesn't mean that he doesn't necessarily care.

I would probably react the same way. I'd be more comfortable saying it in private than in public though. I would tell her I love her of course, again probably wouldn't want to say it in public but it would depend on how I felt.

Also about the dog. When the dog walks in I feel unimaginable depth and connection but I don't think "I love her" or "I love the dog". I just feel connected. If the dog died tomorrow I would still be here. I do still think about my dogs who have died before and I also think about how we humans can potentially have 10 or more dogs in our one lifetime. I do feel sadness about them but that's just living in the past. Meditation on death is very powerful but I know that the dog like anything is just another fleeting expression of the one unified presence like ourselves. So I can't seem to comprehend how you think about your dog. It's like you regard it as a person which just can't be. I do a lot of emotional development work such as the Power of Now so that's my perspective here.

EDITED
BTW. I think we could be more welcoming to haedis. Usually we're the different one who has to live up to NT standards, now it's her turn so I think we could be understanding about that having been there ourselves. We outnumber her considerably in this situation.

Why can't the dog be a person? I genuinely love my cats more than any humans in my life, including my family. I realise how that comes across and please don't call the men in the white coats but that's genuinely how I feel.

_ sorry if this sounds like a topic derail but maybe it isn't

Also, I hope I was wrong in my cynical scenario. I am just a worst case scenario type of thinker, so that's why.


Sorry if we made you feel unwelcome haedis, I would have thought that just taking the time to respond would be seen as a welcome..otherwise I wouldn't have bothered but ..yeah, weird behavour is how I roll

The scenario would have been quite upsetting to many people. You suggested that her boyfriend might be thinking about breaking up with her but I don't think there's any suggestion of that whatsoever. Now if she doesn't have her wits about her she may feel paranoid, worried or upset. She'll probably just think you're an Aspie nut though! Sorry I said that but I thought it may help you in some way.

She just pushed him to say I love something and he wasn't willing / able, didn't feel right. She was quite interested in this fact and wondered what it meant. Does he feel love? What does it mean to not be comfortable with this? etc. I think he just functions in a completely different way like many of us do.