The Aspgerer's Catch 22 of Dating

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I've pondered this conundrum, and was wondering if any of you have arrived at a solution. It is the catch 22 of dating while on the spectrum.

The first date or two are all about impressions. They can make or break a potential relationship. What I wrestle with is this: if that impression is predicated upon something you cannot control, how do you make that known? I know in my case, I feel that deep down I'm a good person with a lot to offer someone, but it comes couched behind all these little things I have trouble controlling, that are part of who I am: my body movements and tics, my vocal intonation and prosody, my gaze. Everything about me is just a little off. When I told a friend I had autism, she even mentioned that it explained a lot because I did seem different.

So here is the catch 22: do you reveal your autism or not? If you reveal it off the bat, is it TMI, are you revealing too much and heaping baggage upon the other person? But if you do not reveal it, she has no basis of empathy, apart from just seeing you as being off or different. Perhaps the other person might be more understanding if you revealed your status. Perhaps not. Or damned either way?

I'm thinking more and more about just coming out of the closet. Just being upfront. Because I figure, if the other person is too ignorant, that if my autism is a deal-breaker, to hell with them. But if they are good, they'll at least be willing to understand rather than dismiss off hand my not being worthy of them. What is the answer?

I tend to let people know. I'm not sure if it helps or not. I'm kind of sick of other people though.

My own heuristic answer would be: See if she's willing to stick around for a bit, then 'come out' to her.

My reasoning is that if she likes you that much that she's willing to give you a whirl, despite all your quirks and foibles, then the explanation shouldn't be too much of a shock.

And hopefully you can make it clear that it's very very personal, which is why you just didn't tell her on day one.

Disclaimer: I have only had to 'come out' in a relationship once since diagnosis, and my partner was an a***hole to whom it didn't matter a jot. But if I thought I had found an understanding partner, who didn't run a mile when confronted with my weirdie ways, then the above is how I (think) would do it.

This why I started online and did not meet in person for a month. It gave him time to form a better impression of me, and we had an established rapport when I told him of my AS, while it still being before we met face to face.

^^^This attitude is your real problem.

You're awkward but rather than being accepting of this fact and embracing it, you resort to full blown Self-deprecation (which couldn't be more unattractive, fyi.) Either you're compatible or you're not. Simple as that. The right person will be accepting of you, quirks and all but only if you're accepting of yourself first.

As for your specific question. Just say "I'm shy around new people" or "I'm kinda socially awkward." You'll get the point across without appearing like you're gunning for a pity party.

I play it by ear. If it seems to come up easily in conversation before meeting (i.e. with online dating), I'll mention it. If it comes up easily during the first few dates, I'll mention it. If it doesn't seem appropriate then I'll wait a while, but I think if it doesn't seem appropriate then the person I'm dating is probably not really suited to me.

I think this guy is right on the money. AS is important to you. It is how you understand yourself, but the other person on the date doesn't attach the same level of importance to these things. There are some women who will like a person like you, and there are some women who won't.

The thing in regard to coming out of the closet, my first thought was just to say, "I'm a bit nervous." Everybody is nervous on a first date because they want to make a good impression and not get rejected. Plus it is just an awkward experience because you are forced to come up with conversation and entertain someone you barely know. Chances are she will say she's nervous too or try to comfort you. At least saying you are nervous will give an excuse for some of your behaviors. Take this advice with a grain of salt. After all, I am autistic, but it seems reasonable.

Here's my personal suggestion: If, like me, you don't think you can date many girls, you don't have to try. All you need is one that's your type, and you can determine that by observation. It seems silly enough, but you can briefly get to know someone and see if they're your type.
With Asperger's myself, I've realized that the main obstacle to being in a relationship is reaction time. I take lots of time to analyze things and take a very slow, logical approach. It's best to date someone else with Asperger's or a related condition, because they don't have as high of standards (which makes them much more realistic than NTs) or as much competition.

I don't see any point to tell them on the first date, it will lower their opinion of you. Is it justified, no, but that won't stop them. How bad is your aspergers?

Can't you just act like you and not think about being a diagnosis?

It won't necessarily lower their opinion, it depends on the person. If I find out someone I'm getting to know is aspie or thinks they might be, a) it's not a surprise because that's probably the reason we were getting along so well, and b) it raises my opinion of them (or doesn't change it).

Doesn't apply because you have Asperger's already and know what it's not necessarily about. People who don't have that "luxury" are going to make unfair judgements when they're not knowledgeable enough about the condition itself and resort to stereotypical views of Asperger's instead.

Why doesn't apply? Isn't the OP allowed to date people who know about AS? There are plenty of such people.

I never tell unless we get closer together or more serious. Other than that, a person would never know I have Autism unless I told them. When you tell a normal person about Autism, stereotypical thoughts invade their mind. But its best to not tell them on the first date. Just wait til you're well-acquainted at least.

My condition shaped my life when I was a child because I didn't understand why I was compelled to do the things I did. As an adult I've become self-aware enough that I can identify behavior that would seem unusual to most people and choose an option that's more or less neurotypical. I sometimes have trouble doing it on the fly, but I'm much better at it than I used to be. Since I can pass as decently NT (albeit introverted), I never bring it up. The only people that know are the therapists that diagnosed me, and my mother. That's how I intend to keep it.

This can be a controversial subject, and by no means do I think my choice is the best for everyone. Different positions on the spectrum require different strategies.

Nope, I did not mention it. But I did not hide it either. The person, my opposite was meeting, was me and I am autistic. A written document changes nothing, about me being the person that my opposite is actually meeting, and either they are able to have fun spending time with me, or not. If they dont enjoy spending time with me, a written piece of paper, wont change that.

I went for diagnosis and told my partner about it, when we were planning for children. So as a grown up, I trusted my partner to be able to decide if he likes me or not, the way that I am. But when it came to the desicion of children, I wanted him to know, that parts of my personality are physically caused, and might be inherited to our children.

But when it comes to me: What you see is what you get. If you need some sort of paper, to be willing to be tolerant toward others being beyond the norm, I hardly think that an relationship will work.

That's why I think that AS is a disorder a person can "grow out of" in a lot of ways, but not all of course. Kids with AS are often totally oblivious as to how their behavior is really viewed by others unlike most adults.