Has lowering your standards ever worked?

Post Reply New Topic

I'm posting this because I'm theorizing again and I need some input, at the risk that it will turn into another L&D shitstorm...

So, according to my theoretical considerations, there are people of either gender who fail at dating for various reasons... like: being very overweight or very underweight, having an unattractive face, being unemployed, uneducated, having a disability, etc., I think you get the idea.

It's obvious that dating won't work if you impose higher standards than what you can provide yourself. That's the law of the market. But according to that, you should always be able to get a date by looking for someone less attractive.

On the contrary, there seem to be a number of people (on this site, and others that I know in real life, and finally myself) who have never been in the position to define their standards simply because they've never met anyone who was interested in them.

How do you explain that? In my case, it's maybe because I simply don't know so many women, and those that I know get an automatic level-up for being among the female minority of math students. What about others? Has looking for someone less attractive ever worked for you?

Do we need a "losers' dating website" (provokingly speaking) for people who don't get any attention elsewhere?

It has gotten me laid, if that's what you mean.


One already exists.

It's called "Facebook".

Actually I've found the opposite to be true...that raising my standards has yielded better success. Lowering standards does help to get dates, sure...but they are dates with people that you aren't really attracted to or interested in. So in the end, other than the little amount of experience gained, what's the point? However, when I look for people that I'm genuinely attracted to and interested in, it seems to work out better, not only because of my increased interest, but also because they are likely to have more in common with me and be more interested in me as a result. Of course, there has to be a balance. It is unlikely that most of us will ever find a "perfect" partner, but at the same time you shouldn't settle for someone simply because they're available and willing.

If I really wanted to...if just about any of us wanted to, we could get into a relationship with someone more desperate than ourselves. But the real question is: would you be any happier in that situation?

Vector - what would 'success' at dating mean for you? What exactly is it you're looking for?

I'm not going to try this, but I still want to know: How exactly would you do that? I have no idea how to find anyone, independent of my standards. Should I approach the homeless woman by the train station? I doubt that would work.


Right now: nothing specific, I'm theorizing. You can interpret "[partial] success" as "anything that points in the 'relationship' direction".

Actually, that probably would work lol. But I wouldn't recommend trying it.

Actually, that is fallacious reasoning. That doing X prevents A does not imply that doing the opposite of X leads to A. Also, different people want different things in a partner, so comparing standards and how people measure up to them is not straight-forward.


Why would one need to be on the receiving end of romantic interest in order to define one's standards?

Your attitude toward dating seems quite warped to me. I would not even be capable of looking for someone less or more attractive than myself, because it makes no sense and would never occur to me to compare my looks with those of people to whom I'm attracted. I cannot view another person's physical appearance in the same frame of mind with which I view my own, because I cannot date myself.

As for people who can compare themselves with other people in this way, their ideas of what is attractive and what is more or less attractive must be so subjective that I don't see how their responses could even be meaningful to you.

Yes lowering your standards works at the cost of many things, including your dignity, esteem and libido.
You'd have to ask yourself what this is really achieving in the long term, or if it's a short term idea. As well as that does the person you are lowering your standards for know anything? I presume they wouldn't, and if they did they'd probably not want to deal with you.

As for the idea of a loser's dating site, if this place is anything to go by everyone classed as "loser" would ironically go there thinking they were above all the other losers and no one would "settle" for each other on that site because of it. They'd still continue to be losers, come to a forum like this and give the same arguments ad nauseam! Good idea in theory for the lonely hearts, but wouldn't work for the exact same reasons dating sites wouldn't work for them in a traditional sense.

I'll go with Fnord and JMan on this one; it can work for short-term benefit but be prepared to pay a heavy emotional toll when you invest your time and energy to have the person you lowered your standards for lower their own standards for short term gain. Rule of thumb: if they mess around with you they'll mess around on you eventually.

Note that this does not necessarily apply in cases where there's someone that had been previously overlooked in a class/work setting - the classic story of what you've been searching for was under your nose the whole time

deleted

Last edited by tjr1243 on 13 Oct 2013, 12:22 am, edited 4 times in total.

I wouldn't know....I refuse to lower my standards just to finally get a date and/or have sex. Why should I have to? Sure I feel like the biggest gorram loser in the 'verse and I fear I'll end up pining for my best friend until the day I die but at least I don't hate myself for doing something I know I'd regret...

deleted double post

Last edited by tjr1243 on 13 Oct 2013, 12:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

I prefer to date someone who is more interested in me than I am in them. Less anxiety that way. I'm also quite unattractive to guys for some reason when I'm really interested. They only seem to like the side of me that can be indifferent. So, as long as the partner isn't abusive, I don't mind dating him even if I'm not attracted. Being asexual makes me not care how physically attractive they are. If I am super interested in the person, usually the fact of my being very interested turns the person off.

I never really had any standards. There were things I was looking for but it was more about having a better shot at finding someone who would give me a real chance rather than a standards persay. I would consider myself a loser if I compared myself to others(I'm unemployed due to physical disabilities in addition to AS) & I tried various dating sites for people with mental &/or physical disabilities or other weird things with no luck. I thought of it as someone with what others might would call "problems" being more on my level & able to accept mine & also some of my strengths within a relationship are more appealing or useful for someone with so-called "problems". The girlfriend I have now would be considered a loser if judged by similar standards I use when comparing myself to others but I don't think of her as a loser or anything at all. I think of her as perfect for me because we get along well, similar lifestyles & our strengths & weaknesses complement each other well.

I just can't seem to do that.

What puzzles me: Are there people in this world who are literally incompatible with anyone else? Or does it only seem like this because they fail to find each other?

For example, I assume that most people would not date a blind person in a wheelchair. Myself, I don't mind. Does this mean that I should look specifically for a blind woman in a wheelchair, in the hope that she will forgive my shortcomings "in return"? As I'm writing this down, it doesn't sound like it's going to work, and she would probably feel insulted if she found out my "strategy".