being asexual and trying to find a partner...

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I'm extremely frustrated. It seems futile. I don't know that I'm capable of "falling in love" after a few dates with someone. At the very least I need to develop a certain comfort level that requires interaction in a private setting without noise and distractions. Maybe I need to communicate this with a friend I've seen a few times over the past month. I'm feeling it's too late now though.

Also bothered by "advice" that being lonely is not a good reason to want a partner. I think I know enough about myself at this time to be aware that I need a deeper connection than what is provided by the majority of friendships I witness out in the world. I just don't see how I can build any sense of closeness with someone I see for an hour or two once a week or less. I just don't get this society. I'm tired of patronizing advice from more sexual people who really don't understand.

Aren't there websites and forums for asexuals? You shouldn't have to feel restricted, but maybe there are others near you who are more understanding of the way your emotions work.

Well, I'm not a very sexual person. Not sure if ace is the right label, but if not, really close. So here's my advice - don't let other people tell you what should make you seek a relationship. If you're lonely, finding someone to fill that void isn't bad. Do you need a relationship label? (As in, does this have to be romantic, or can it just be someone you're close to?) Otherwise, you can find a friend and just hang out with them more frequently. My college roommate was enough to suffice for my desire for deeper connection, without any sexual or even romantic overtones - I think a good roommate would probably do that.

And here's a website with a forum of its own for you to check out.
http://www.asexuality.org/home/

Yea. The thing is I'm not sure if I'm capable of "falling in love" in the sense that some people do, yet that feeling there's something missing must be telling me something. I'm not sure a friend I arrange to go out to see maybe once a week will ever satisfy me. I want something more intimate than that.


Maybe, but there's something I desire about connecting with a woman that just isn't the same as it is with another man. Yet, there aren't a whole lot of single women who'd want to hang out frequently and/or live with a man if they're not interested in a romantic relationship.


I've been on that website, but I haven't found any good site for asexual people that's specifically geared towards dating. There are some but people that do connect are always separated by long distances. It's sad.

Well, on the positive side, there are a fair number of aces. Seriously, until I went to college I never knew that was a thing (I assumed romantic feelings were the same as sexual ones, so I didn't even recognize it in myself), but out of thirty people, my floor in the dormitory had 3 open aces (I'm including myself, even though I'm not sure I'm 100%). Not typical odds, but my point is it's not as rare as you'd think. And, barring other aces, ace-sexual relationships can work. I have a friend who's doing a great job in one right now.

A great place to meet aces seems to be at LGBT groups. There was a large group of them in my school's club. (Enough that in a small get together, by coincidence, the aces happened to actually outnumber the sexual people.) Also a good place to meet and make accepting friends in general, so I'd recommend checking one out.

Well, you're talking to one right now. Although it sounds like you do seem to have at least somewhat of a romantic tendency, if not a sexual one - am I reading that right?

Also, missed addressing this before...

Your friendships don't have to be like the majority of friendships. Our sorts of personalities may be in the minority, but they do exist and there are other people looking for a deep connection just as much as you are. You just have to find them.

I messaged most of the openly asexual people in my area on OKC and didn't even get a response. I feel like I'll have to settle for a relationship with a sexual female. I have one female friend I met on OKC who I've met for coffee and/or dinner several times, but I don't really know if it's ever going to be anything. She's gotten stressed out with graduate school work and doesn't seem to want to get together anymore. I feel like I should just give up on that.


Yea. It just seems like the way the world works makes it hard to meet people. Everyone is "busy" and there isn't much sense of community. It's almost impossible once you're over 30 like me. I feel like I've missed the boat.

I share a lot of these feelings, even though I am not asexual.

Don't do it. Unless you want a sexual female who grows to hate herself and becomes bitter and unfulfilled. I know. It's a horrible life.

Same! Particularly the bit about falling in love after a few dates. That's one of the reasons I don't really "get" dating.

I can only imagine how difficult it would be to make things work with a sexual female for an asexual male. It's difficult enough for many sexual ones, as you can read right here!

There's probably some value in the advice of not to get into a relationship because you're lonely, but I think that advice is for "regular people". I'd say you're unusual enough that you can safely ignore it. Whatever reason works for you is a good enough reason.

Last edited by FMX on 19 Oct 2013, 7:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

I share quite a few of these feelings, and although I'm not asexual, I myself would rather like a relationship with someone that was asexual or damn near it. Simply because sex will turn my brain off however temporarily, or however long, so I would like to experience a relationship without lust, without sex, and without my brain turning off, or, yet again, damn near it.

People fall in love after a few dates???

I'm not asexual, but I think maybe (maybe...I could be way off the mark here) I desire something similar to what you are looking for. For me, it's a close friendship, one where we catch up often and share everything, we think in a similar way and have really great conversations. There's an intellectual closeness and also frequent company that doesn't drain me.

I really only get this closeness from partners, because that's the only scenario where I manage to connect properly with someone. I don't know how to do it in a platonic way. I wonder if that's essentially the same problem, that we have. I'm not sure.

I don't know if that's typical, but when my mom was dating she certainly did. Or at least she got really gushy and the guy was all she would talk about. (If, of course, she liked the person she went on a date with.) I myself have actually never dated on top of the whole probably ace thing, so no clue there.

I don't know any sexual females in relationships with asexual males - the only relationship I know is actually the opposite, but since the guy believes in no sex before marriage and they're not married, they haven't run into any conflict. Also, post-marriage, if he really wanted to (and I don't think he'd push it) I'm guessing the girl would be willing to have sex just to make him happy, even though she doesn't care for the idea herself.



Okay, so I'm going to take a wild guess and say you didn't manage to message all of the open aces. To use my area for an example, even if you found a bunch of open aces online and messaged, you still wouldn't have found my friends and I. You might have to do this the old fashioned way - in person - since online doesn't seem to be working for you. I really would recommend visiting some kind of LGBT group and seeing if there's anyone there. Even if there's not, you can ask around and see if they know someone - they're more likely to know people who are openly ace. Also, if you're missing a sense of community, you'd find one there.

It does sound like your female friend is sending off signals that she doesn't want to hang out as often. Don't take it personally or anything, but she just doesn't sound like she's capable time-wise of increasing your relationship into something you want right now.

I don't think over thirty means you've missed the boat. It just means you're dealing with a different dating scene.

Yeah And a different boat.

That seems really f*****g shallow to me. If a woman needs a man to want her body in a sexual way to have self-esteem she must already hate herself. I don't like judging because I can relate to having self-esteem issues, but it still hurts a lot. It's not even that I don't experience physical attraction to the female form or want to cuddle. It's just that physical attraction doesn't make me "hard" or make me want to have sex like it's supposed to. The feeling in the genitals is something totally separate from the attraction. That's all it is. It's also not like I'd be unwilling to experiment with medications and/or "kinks" and such if sex is deemed necessary.

That's exactly what I want. I want physical affection too though. When I date people I end up having really deep conversations that I can't get otherwise. Yet somehow I don't "click" fast enough romantically because I'm not comfortable initiating flirting or physical affection. Or maybe women like me as a conversationalist but don't have "chemistry" or whatever. I'm boring, not funny enough, etc... Ugh. Whatever the case, it the friendship seems to dwindle off if they find a different partner and I end up feeling abandoned. It really sucks.